imbecillicus.rex.lol
Chaotic good computer booper. I like dogs, metal music, anarchism 🏴, woodworking, video games, vaccines, bicycles, film cameras, estradiol 🏳️⚧️, magic the gathering, and some more stuff I'm forgetting.
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I think shower and try not to think about my face is the move, it's a two hour drive so a small delay isn't a huge deal but no way can I do the whole shaving soap lather safety razor ritual
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the sentiment driving its creation and the goal of its manufacture is sick as hell, the historic role it played whips ass
but on its merits as a gun it sucks
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it was designed and built to suck exactly as much as it could while continuing to basically function; it is incapable of fucking. easiest sucks call I've ever made. still kind of want to take one to a range to see just how low the bar can be set.
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hang on I need to get a slice and try rolling it from crust to point so I can eat it like a burrito this has potential
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yeah. I have a handful of local text files I copy and paste stuff like that into and try not to read just so if I'm ever at a point where I'm doubting exactly how bad it is I've got a way to check in with reality but it's definitely bad for me to actually open them
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oof
though you're probably right that obsessively collecting news is harming you I understand the desire to maintain a record
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worst case he's not into it and I have a spare guitar I can try weird as hell mods in
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ok but building guitar kits with kids does seem kind of fun, I might try and get a couple as a project to do with my nephew or something
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woah sweet wrinkly gubbins
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I'm confident that it's *possible*, but not at all that it's inevitable or already extant
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read this as "it's unethical for trans women to work" which I immediately agreed with but I'll need convincing about what you actually said I think
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I'll also go to bat for at least samurai jack without hesitation
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after a few months a missed dose or two were enough to inhabit my body again and start skipping doses on purpose but that's in the top three worst experiences I can remember, now I'm curious who the hell was in the driver's seat during all that and if me fronting is inflicting it on anyone else
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one source of concern about the idea is how when I was on Prozac as a teenager I was so dissociated I was constantly watching as if through a tunnel into my head while my body walked around telling everybody how much better it felt on an antidepressant for a few months
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it makes sense that the subjective experience is different than Hollywood would suggest; PTSD itself has certainly been different than it looks on a screen.
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one thing I'd be a little excited about if this isn't a "drugs induced an experience suggesting the need for a new exploration of philosophy of the mind" is a part of me having the wild impulse to name itself The Audience, that's so fucking extra
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hell yeah
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yeah this seems like the part that's bait though
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I'm partial to personal website then but that's because I keep putting off starting to work on mine
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which is closest to done?
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Even then I figured I should just treat the mirror thing as a "hah, neat" sort of deal so I guess I just wasn't in the state of mind to consider that thought seriously but 1) I need to be nicer to myself, jeez and 2) what the hell could I have been any clearer with myself
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in retrospect, one of those time "hinting at being trans" was immediately after doing this, when the words "who do you think you're fooling, you've always been a girl you fucking idiot" similarly formed themselves in my mind unprompted
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Noted, I will be more cautious with the reversing window while in vulnerable mind states going forward.
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I have previously just stared into the mirror while on psychedelics to watch the spirals form and crawl across my face as it dissolved into a skull and that was fine but actually engaging actively in that experience sounds like deliberate psychic self-harm
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never talk to myself in a mirror at all, or never do it while I'm on psychedelics because the second seemed very immediately like an obviously bad idea
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Alternatively, maybe that's as simple as"yeah babe you got PTSD about it that's how it works" and "plenty of singlets can set a question to simmer and have an answer show up, that's just offloading thought to the subconscious" could be true
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Some sort of plurality would make sense for at least a handful of things I struggle to explain, like losing continuity ordering the lucid moments between periods of traumatic amnesia in my childhood, or the thing where I can mentally put a question on the back burner and an answer forms itself later
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It was a good time, the time distortion making a bowl of ice cream feel like it lasted for days was extremely nice
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So I guess I'm gonna make some time to talk to myself in a mirror and see what happens, because "in the middle of a powerful psychedelic experience" seemed like the wrong time to tug on that particular stitch
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The first makes the most sense to me, but I'm hesitant to dismiss the second out of hand because if I'm really seriously honest with myself there were similar moments hinting at being trans during prior psychedelic experiences and I could have saved myself some time if I'd listened and thought more.
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either I had a moment of perspective where I could conceptualize the Self That Experiences as distinct, procedurally, from the Self That Observes which has interesting implications about how I conceptualize the mind
or that's my first conscious hint at plurality
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popped into my head and it took monumental effort not to also say it
now, even when I'm tripping balls I understand that reality does not have some tertiary observer
it was almost immediately clear that "the audience" meant one of two things, neither of which was the other end of her call
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bold choice, I hope this works out
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the administration has already openly defied the courts, I don't understand the optimism that a big pile of angry dudes with guns is going to get stopped by a phone call saying a judge asked them to go home
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sitting down in a *mosh pit* is dangerous and everyone there just wants to have fun, not actually hurt anybody
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unfortunately yes