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mariana057.bsky.social
I’m not a comedian, but I joke a lot. I steal the good jokes. Bad jokes are mine. Resist. NO DMS.
853 posts 100,656 followers 10,699 following
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Posts 35 Comments 15

My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” I texted back “Nooooo!” My phone autocorrected my response to “Mooooo!” Please send help…

submitted 6 hours ago • 56 comments

If you have an iPhone tell Siri very slowly “I see a little silhouette of a man” Trust me. Just do it.

submitted 2 hours ago • 29 comments

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they would have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

submitted 10 hours ago • 27 comments

My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” I texted back “Nooooo!” My phone autocorrected my response to “Mooooo!” Please send help…

submitted 6 hours ago • 56 comments

Paris

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they would have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

submitted 10 hours ago • 27 comments

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person everyday? Also no.

submitted 1 day ago • 54 comments

I'm fairly certain that the guy who put the first "r" in February also decided how to spell Wednesday... Fuck that guy.

submitted 1 day ago • 63 comments

I want to follow 10 new people. The catch is... you can't suggest yourself. Drop some good follows... the 10 with the most likes I'll follow. (I just feel like being interactive. Lol what else is there to do on a Friday night 😛😛)

submitted 1 day ago • 271 comments

I'm fairly certain that the guy who put the first "r" in February also decided how to spell Wednesday... Fuck that guy.

submitted 1 day ago • 63 comments

Governor Janet Mills bringing all the heat. Do not back down. 🔥🔥🔥

submitted 1 day ago • 8 comments

When I was a kid, I distinctly remember a phone call from a telemarketer asking for "the man of the house." My mom's reply: "speaking." God damn legend.

submitted 4 days ago • 24 comments

Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead

submitted 4 days ago • 36 comments

So do I kid, so do I…

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person everyday? Also no.

submitted 1 day ago • 54 comments

This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her. When I got home I told my dog...we laughed a lot.

submitted 2 days ago • 53 comments

Keep scrolling if you’ve already watched a baby flamingo splashing his feet in the water today 🦩

submitted 2 days ago • 150 comments

You know things are bad when you agree with Three Shirts McGee.

submitted 2 days ago • 492 comments

I went for a job interview and the manager said, "we're looking for someone who is responsible." "Well that’s me," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!"

submitted 2 days ago • 47 comments

This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her. When I got home I told my dog...we laughed a lot.

submitted 2 days ago • 53 comments

Excellent substack and follow. Welcome, we need you @resistancesentinel.bsky.social

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Finally a fight I can get my teeth into ✊🔥

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

Excellent podcast and deserves the top honors.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I went for a job interview and the manager said, "we're looking for someone who is responsible." "Well that’s me," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!"

submitted 2 days ago • 47 comments

What if they close grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food? I don't even know where Little Debbie lives.

submitted 3 days ago • 68 comments

Texting your kid is like dating someone who isn't interested in you… Me: I love you, have a great day! Daughter: K

submitted 3 days ago • 74 comments

On a lighter note. 😊

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

What if they close grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food? I don't even know where Little Debbie lives.

submitted 3 days ago • 68 comments

Texting your kid is like dating someone who isn't interested in you… Me: I love you, have a great day! Daughter: K

submitted 3 days ago • 74 comments

Exactly right. @kelseyhightower.com

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

You can have kids, or you can have a complete set of silverware… But you can't have both.

submitted 4 days ago • 45 comments

submitted 4 days ago • 8 comments

Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead

submitted 4 days ago • 36 comments

Tangle at your peril coward. @aoc.bsky.social

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

This thread is so smart and spot on from a true scholar 🧵 @sifill.bsky.social

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments