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maybe.not.ev3r.online
driven to sanity
276 posts 373 followers 198 following
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Posts 41 Comments 7

can you believe fake smart is somehow smarter than real smart

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

i have a migraine the size of yo mama

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

ex-boyfriend [2008]: i hope you die on your way to work me [2025]: i hope i die on my way to work

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

(saturday morning voice) no i must get up early so i can frantically start relaxing

submitted 49 days ago • 13 comments

The solution is simple, really. We need to make money and data worthless.

submitted 48 days ago • 0 comments

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

submitted 52 days ago • 1 comment

You don’t have to block me just change your avatar and I’ll forget you ever existed

submitted 49 days ago • 3 comments

i can’t ever tell if someone’s flirting or if they were sent by the feds

submitted 49 days ago • 1 comment

i hope i’m dead before the billionaires turn breathing into a subscription service

submitted 602 days ago • 1 comment

Its always okay to just say nothing. That's an option too

submitted 50 days ago • 6 comments

have the CEOs given themselves raises disguised as hazard pay yet?

submitted 49 days ago • 0 comments

Still writing "this is a bank robbery" on all my checks

submitted 59 days ago • 1 comment

If I could give one piece of advice, that would be amazing.

submitted 50 days ago • 1 comment

I don’t feel very fresh down there *points to the dungeon where my wife keeps me chained*

submitted 49 days ago • 0 comments

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

submitted 631 days ago • 14 comments

salt diabetes is a fine name. hypertension should’ve been reserved for the chronically uptight

submitted 70 days ago • 0 comments

“Just a little midnight snack”, I whisper, knowing full well I have no concept of what time it is, what day it is, or what the words ‘little snack’ even mean.

submitted 74 days ago • 36 comments

Too many times I think we're really bonding and the other person is wearing a wire.

submitted 74 days ago • 12 comments

sure, everybody hates snake oil — until their snake starts squeaking

submitted 76 days ago • 26 comments

so low-maintenance, being left for dead is romantic

submitted 75 days ago • 0 comments

what a fuckin nerd (complimentary)

submitted 76 days ago • 2 comments

explaining to people why i'm sticky before they ask me

submitted 76 days ago • 32 comments

i know just enough about how stuff works to be able to complain about it accurately

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

whole milk try not to think about that too hard

submitted 76 days ago • 3 comments

and don’t get me started on NYE traditions. there’s a diagnosis for people who introduce superfluous countdowns into their lives “for fun”

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

advent calendars: all the anxiety of diffusing a bomb, but with none of the success

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

woodchuck: (seeing some unchucked wood) what the fuck is this

submitted 82 days ago • 21 comments

*tries softer*

submitted 84 days ago • 0 comments

I wish people who said "It's the least you can do" to me had a little faith. I can do so much less.

submitted 96 days ago • 15 comments

oh, you woke up in a tub of ice missing a kidney? suck it up. women who get c-sections wake up missing TWO kidneys & at least one of everything else, you’re not special

submitted 97 days ago • 0 comments

me: correct me if I’m wrong- the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

submitted 541 days ago • 20 comments

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: because of something my boss said Interviewer: it says here you were fired Me: that's the thing he said

submitted 98 days ago • 5 comments

Look, if you’ve shouted into one abyss, you’ve shouted into them all.

submitted 669 days ago • 2 comments

*surgeons perform 12 hours of life-saving surgery* Them: Thanks to God and everyone for their prayers!

submitted 97 days ago • 1 comment

[pulling the mailman aside] you’re coming here everyday anyway. just feed the cat until we get back from vacation.

submitted 103 days ago • 3 comments

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

submitted 98 days ago • 15 comments

Had to drop out of a Cooking feed due to bad lighting and beige meals

submitted 99 days ago • 66 comments

if I'm ever lost in the Amazon just leave me there

submitted 98 days ago • 0 comments

If good things come to those who wait then wouldn't that make procrastination a virtue?

submitted 99 days ago • 3 comments

enter every room like you’re leading an fbi raid - my dog

submitted 637 days ago • 1 comment

ME TO MY DOG: [pointing at a bear on TV] look, buddy, your guys’ noses are made outta the same stuff

submitted 637 days ago • 0 comments