sjksalisbury.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Hate that some berries are poisonous. What happened to you? You could have been a zesty little compote on the side of some French toast. Instead you've done a murder, a literal crime.

submitted 267 days ago • 4 comments

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

I love to push a button and receive a pellet. A delicious treat for me? Might as well push it again. If it gives me a small electric shock once in a while, well, that's just the cost of doing business

submitted 1 day ago • 56 comments

Teacher at my cooking class repeatedly told me that the missing ingredient from my dish was belief. I just needed belief. And as I was finally beginning to muster a little confidence in my skills she walked over and, in a flourish of exacerbation, threw a bay leaf in my pan.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Hate it when I'm trying to arrange a wet t-shirt competition, just test the absorbency and see how much one of them bad boys can soak up, and then a bunch of ladies turn up and try to sexualise it.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

i'm a sucker for when they swap out one letter in fantasy books. "on black wings arrived a magpye." hell yeah dude. i know basically what that means but also that it's weird-looking somehow

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

My favourite gentle fuck you is to send something with a second class stamp. Oh, you'll be receiving it alright. eventually.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

We need to return to the time when every movie release had a side-scrolling platform game tie-in. I need a 16-bit The Banshees of Inisherin where you're just running across levels while being gently pursued by Colin Farrell.

submitted 4 days ago • 9 comments

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight; I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

submitted 5 days ago • 9 comments

Sick of pretending that “paper covers rock” isn’t utter bullshit

submitted 5 days ago • 109 comments

What do we want? To change the past! When do we want it? Then!

submitted 5 days ago • 3 comments

Unsubscribing isn't enough, I should be able to tick a box that designates me as an undiscovered tribe so that it becomes illegal for anybody to make contact with me.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Most foreign farewells can be used quite casually in English, like ciao and au revoir, but you can only say sayonara when you're leaving someone for dead.

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Excited to announce that this summer I'll be doing Shakespeare in the Park. More specifically, I will be murdering my uncle by the swings.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Bit frustrating that the only reliable way to make a new friend as an adult is to engage in a cat and mouse game with the detective that's obsessed with catching you before you kill again.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

What do we want? For Amy Adams to receive an Oscar for her performance in Arrival! When do we want it? Working within the constraints of linear time would be sort of missing the point!

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

if you thought stephen miller hated immigrants before

submitted 6 days ago • 119 comments

Logging into your boyfriend’s YouTube on the big TV: For You: Medieval historian ranks stews in cinema Building a catapult with dirt from my yard Programming a robot to unwrap KIND Bars Petite woman can eat the hottest sauce in the world The real John Wick was an Irish milkman

submitted 145 days ago • 25 comments

Not sure how to reconcile my love for highly breakable antique figurines with my love for sprinting around my house blindfolded wildly swinging a baseball bat

submitted 8 days ago • 9 comments

ME: finally some me time. it might be nice to spend a little time alone with my thoughts MY THOUGHTS: actually, meant to say, I've invited the first two lines of a song that you don't particularly like to join us for the evening

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

HIM: Sorry, I don't mean to tug at your heart strings ME: I'm pretty sure they're called arteries. And shouldn't I be asleep by now? are you sure you're a surgeon??

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

"Psssst hey... Psssssst... Quit eating my face." -- The Polar Bear Whisperer

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Social media is a fun game where you type words to try and win points but be careful! - if you get too many points you could lose your job.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

So sad how diminished the cultural impact of art is in the digital age. It used to be that a film like Donnie Darko could sustain a whole personality for two to three years. An entire relationship could be furnished with nothing but The Nightmare Before Christmas quotes.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

So weird how babies under a year old can't eat honey... no, child, you are not yet old enough to receive the gift of the bees

submitted 8 days ago • 4 comments

There should be a little badge you can wear to let people know that your hair is 'doing a thing' today. I'm not trying to look like this. This isn't who I am. I invite you to accept it as I have and join me in hoping for better tomorrows.

submitted 8 days ago • 7 comments

I can’t think of anything more Orwellian than waking up to find out you’d transformed into a giant bug

submitted 8 days ago • 149 comments

Today the universe afforded me the opportunity to say 'I'm sorry, but I simply refuse to take legal advice from a man in a Cuban collar' and I am delighted to report that I took that opportunity with grace and aplomb.

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

There are few things I find more awkward than when part of a meal is prepared tableside. This waiter has been plucking my goose for three hours now.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

One must imagine Sisyphus, because he's not real. He's a myth.

submitted 13 days ago • 9 comments

Recommending movies and bands to people is a form of assault

submitted 12 days ago • 1 comment

Just don't think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You're space's problem now.

submitted 12 days ago • 4 comments

You return from exile, but the villagers do not recognise you. 'It is I,' you explain, 'the boy who cries wolves.' 'Do you mean the boy who cried wolf?' 'No.' you reply. There is a howl from somewhere just behind your tear duct.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

Having seen it happen in so many thrillers and action films, today I finally got the chance to copy some files from a computer to a USB drive and frankly it did not live up to the hype.

submitted 13 days ago • 4 comments

[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

submitted 18 days ago • 10 comments

There are few conversations I hate more than having to talk to the mechanic about my car. Like fine, I have no idea what's going on under the hood, but you know nothing of the secrets that her heart keeps.

submitted 14 days ago • 5 comments