Profile avatar
spoon-fl5.bsky.social
Sublime idiot
32 posts 165 followers 250 following
Prolific Poster
Conversation Starter
Posts 37 Comments 13

[as my home burns to the ground] I must take action but remember: decorum first

submitted 4 hours ago • 13 comments

I am hungry for rich people

submitted 2 hours ago • 11 comments

In Canada, we’ll do dirty things for poutine but not for Putin

submitted 6 hours ago • 34 comments

Doc just said "The human mind" as THE completest sentence and as relaxing as the voice was and as hypnotized in that apparent non-cliffhanger as I was I still Russian roulette acupunctured my hand in the sharps container

submitted 6 hours ago • 4 comments

Strutting around the gym with a Costco-sized block of cheese, asking bros if they even lift.

submitted 9 hours ago • 4 comments

*pronounces “vague” with a hard g

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

*during sex Mind if I put on some Captain and Tennille?

submitted 1 day ago • 11 comments

Better an awkward silence than an awkward conversation.

submitted 12 hours ago • 5 comments

More funny, please.

submitted 9 hours ago • 1 comment

I'm the tired driving at night blind across a desert without man made stops rolling my window up and down promise to stay awake and you're the pull ahead of me out of nowhere with a saving grace tail lights to guide can't thank for all the times you got me safely call you to say I made it home

submitted 11 days ago • 11 comments

The pizza delivery guy is my spirit animal.

submitted 2 hours ago • 0 comments

Welcome to your 50's. You'd think by now you'd have learned how to swallow your own saliva without choking.

submitted 10 hours ago • 53 comments

me: flattery will get you nowhere travel agent named flattery: hey fuck you

submitted 20 hours ago • 1 comment

we've all got that one lovecraftian homie who nobody's been able to describe

submitted 22 hours ago • 5 comments

The first rule of albatross lockets is kind of a knockout, is that enormous seagull your grandmother

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Ordered calamari at Olive Garden and they gave me deep fried Nike wristbands

submitted 104 days ago • 12 comments

her: where did you get that scar? me: (remembering when i accidentally stabbed myself with an embroidery needle) that? that's a knife wound from a bar fight

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

christian bale: i am batman christian braille: ⠊ ⠁⠍ ⠃⠁⠞⠍⠁⠝

submitted 1 day ago • 17 comments

20 likes on twitter: I'm an idiot, a loser, a fraud, universally despised 20 likes on bluesky: well well well look who's Queen Bitch of Fuck Mountain

submitted 659 days ago • 83 comments

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Also, Al Green with the cane is giving Mr. Biggs vibes.

submitted 1 day ago • 20 comments

Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you probably won’t die— and tomorrow will suck even harder. Go big. Take risks. Live in the moment (unless the moment is bad, in which case, live in a different time). Repeat ad infinitum until you finally die of congestive heart failure or measles or whatever.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Hey, Canada? We’re sorry we’re like this.

submitted 2 days ago • 39 comments

Sorry for being a force to be reckoned with

submitted 2 days ago • 9 comments

Make your anxiety more fun by calling it the doomies.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

I want him to die on live feed

submitted 2 days ago • 51 comments

Can’t. Waiting for social upheaval and revolution.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Mixed signals: you turned your defroster on and my headlights went out. We could have kicked everything and made it work but you're not a soccer mom and the last time I tried to hacky sack a sippy cup full of wine to a soulmate I hit destiny right in the modesty, popping the hood

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

an Oscar award but it’s reserved for only the best cosplay garbage cans with weird grouches inside which is pretty much locked up with this place

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Please don’t attempt to humanize me; I am much better as a concept

submitted 3 days ago • 6 comments

if I’m gonna join a cult it’s gonna have a super hot leader and all you can eat shrimp

submitted 3 days ago • 10 comments

There's no punk rock way to run from a cicada

submitted 3 days ago • 11 comments

pussy is one of the 23 dr pepper flavors

submitted 12 days ago • 28 comments

In church I used to wonder if there was a lady somewhere with nothing who was so pure that she survived by only taking communion. And then I'd imagine myself sprouting bat wings and horns and flying around the room upsetting everyone.

submitted 4 days ago • 8 comments

I burned the bacon reposting you shitposters.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Doing a live wedding on tv today. During rehearsals, the director kept asking “How does this end?”. I wanted to say “probably with missionary a few times a year” but realized I still need to eat.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

her: do that thing I like me: *folds laundry*

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments