thewokefiles.bsky.social
Here to uncover and report what definitely isn’t happening. Saving America from fake conspiracy theories by inventing better ones. The truth is out there - this isn’t it.
Run by @hallkyle.bsky.social
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46 following
Getting Started
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🚨we've just been informed that after sending this, Donald Trump tripped and thousands of Russian rubles came spilling out of his suit jacket. When asked about it later by the Press, he responded "the rubles that fell out of my jacket belong to Biden and the radical left".
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BREAKING: Our insider within the White House has confirmed Donald Trump has taken to the Presidential bedroom and is playing “Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt as loudly as he can.
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🚨Our insider within the press corp advised after the briefing, Draco Malfoy had a meeting with RJK Jr. to discuss his concerns about Hogwarts’ water being tainted with “mudblood hormones”.
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🚨BREAKING🚨Johnson caught on hot mic prepping other House Republicans on new lie to push that “Joe Biden was the one responsible for the illegal deportations to El Salvador”.
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🚨 We're learning JD Vance is also convinced the Biden Administration was responsible for trafficking weapons to Iran between 1981-1986
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🚨 We've learned the state of Florida also plans to sue the makers of Reading Rainbow. Meanwhile, the MAGA response program "Flames of Freedom", a show for kids that burns piles of books while displaying Home Improvement reruns in the background, is set to debut Tuesday🚨
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🚨 We've learned the real reason these artists have gathered is to use Trump's Inauguration to announce their "Find Us in Your Nearest $5 CD bin at Walmart Tour". 🚨
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🚨🚨We have confirmed reports that Giuliani’s next plan is to wander 5th Avenue dress up like Baby New Year selling 100% all natural ‘Rudy-Milk’. The source of the milk remains unclear. #BabyRudy
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🚨🚨Rumors swirling The House Ethics Committee chose to release the report to ensure Matt Gaetz has a horrible fucking Christmas. #NoGifts4Gaetz
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‼️🔔‼️ Rumor has it Trump made Herschel Walker ambassador to the Bahamas because he convinced Walker it’s a stepping stone to being the ‘Governor of the Caribbean.’
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🚨🚨Positive news coming from Democratic Leadership that their efforts to convince right-wing conspiracy theorists that major constellations are drones when in actuality they are sub orbital satellites tracking down their guns. #Slightofhand
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‼️‼️We can report that Walt Disney Companies Inc. has also announced the opening of “TRUMPISNEY WORLD” - a 40 acre plot located near Mar-a-Lago. Early reports indicate there will be no rides, just fast food stands and self tanner dispensers.
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🚨BREAKING🚨Our insider at ABC has confirmed the Trump Presidential Library won’t actually include any books. But will house all of Trump’s best insults written down on used McDonalds napkins.
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🚨🚨many believe JD Vance is actually a Tesla prototype designed to monitor Trump but somehow malfunctioned when he was placed near a brown leather sectional.
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Rumors swirling as some believe the influx of CEOs into Mar-a-Lago is due to Trump’s newly proposed tax incentive for “Companies that rebrand themselves as Trump Properties”. #Trumple #Trumazon
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‼️‼️We are now hearing Senior House staffers reporting that Mace has also appeared in a neck brace claiming she “felt something snap” when whipping her head around to yell obscenities at a trans activist. #MaceInABrace
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🚨🚨LEAKED DOCS show next CNN Poll: Most Americans expect Trump to personally fix climate change by yelling at clouds, and a majority approves of his handling of his transition to Führer so far🚨🚨
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🚨🔔Sources claim JD Vance is refusing to leave Mar-A-Lago without his new girlfriend - Socialite “Ralph Lauren Brook Street Tufted Sofa in Cafe Estate Leather”. It really looked nice in the foyer. #LetLoveLounge
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🔔🔔MAGA insiders claim Don Jr. ended things with Guilfoyle because she kept referring to him as ‘Daddy Donald’s Bitch Boy’ during arguments. #DonnyBoy
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🚨Leaked reports reveal Trump’s health care plan is still in the ‘concept phase’ because he’s waiting for Elon Musk and RFK Jr to invent a pill that cures being poor. #MAGAcilin
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🚨NEW🚨Our sources close to the Gaetz camp claim Matt Gaetz took the OANN anchor job to secretly broadcast coded messages to his Venmo contacts. #VenmoVision
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🚨🚨 Chatter within Democratic circles is that the next move is to have Nancy Pelosi convince Trump he wasn’t born in the United States. #BirtherBackfire
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🚨NEW INTEL🚨 Our insider on Musk’s team had confirmed that Elon has nearly completed his ultimate plan of making Trump completely fucking forget about JD Vance. #VanishingVance
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🚨RUMOR🚨 We are hearing Charlie Kirk spends every weekend trying to summon Ronald Reagan’s ghost for political advice, but all he gets is George HW Bush asking about his weird shaped head. #ReaganSeance
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🚨🚨We have it on good authority that if confirmed, Hegseth plans to hire his mother for a new position titled “Director of PB&Js with the Crust Cut Off”. She will also need Senate approval. #MommaHegseth
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🚨 STILL CONFIRMING 🚨: While Pete Hegseth vows not to drink ‘a drop of alcohol’ if confirmed as SecDef. Instead, insiders say he plans on directing military R&D funds to develop a way to absorb whiskey via tactical skin patches. #WhiskeyWars #SecDefScience
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🚨DEVELOPING STORY🚨 We are also hearing that Hegseth’s mom has requested that some of the older Cabinet nominees hold Pete’s hand when crossing the street together in DC. #HegsethHelpers
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🚨🚨Reports suggest MAGA Republicans are designing stained glass windows featuring Trump surrounded by adoring angels holding buckets of KFC. #SacredFastFood
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More Context: Some Senators have serious hesitation about Pete Hegseth’s first proposed initiative - designing ‘edible American flags’ soaked in Jack Daniel’s - so you can ‘eat and drink freedom’ simultaneously. #PatriotSnacks
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New details emerge: Mike Lindell has been appointed to lead the newly created Department of Imaginary Numbers, specializing in ‘proving’ Trump won the 2020 election. Our insider reports the data is just incorrectly filled out sudoku games. #LindellLetdown
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What’s next? Well we’ve learned that Billionaires are testing ‘oxygen rights’ in controlled zones, where every breath is taxed. #DontTaxMyO2 #PayToBreathe
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🚨🚨Whispers in D.C. suggest Tulsi Gabbard fears her FBI check will reveal she once tried to pay for groceries in rubles ‘just to see if it worked.’ #CurrencyConfusion
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RUMOR: In private, Trump is reportedly annoyed by Elon Musk’s constant "weird" energy and his "battery-like" odor. "He may have bought me the election, but this guy creeps me the fuck out". #ElonIsOut
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That's all we do around here 🕵️🏻♂️
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New Leaked Documents: CVS isn’t locking up items to prevent theft—it’s a test run for their future business model: CVS+, where you pay a monthly subscription fee to bypass the locks. #PayToPlayPharmacy
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NEW INTEL: Elon Musk’s Twitter/X chaos is part of a long game to buy TikTok and merge the platforms, creating ‘XTok,’ where tweets are limited to 5-second videos of racists screaming. #TikTokTakeover
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NEW INTEL: Elon Musk’s Twitter/X chaos is part of a long game to buy TikTok and merge the platforms, creating ‘XTok,’ where tweets are limited to 5-second videos of racists screaming. #TikTokTakeover
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Rumor: Stephen Miller was caught Photoshopping old family photos to make his ancestors look even paler, claiming ‘a healthy glow is a slippery slope to multiculturalism.’ #FiltersOfFascism
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WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR: J.D. Vance allegedly wrote a fan fiction novel where he’s Trump’s doting spouse, titled The Art of the Matrimony. Rumor has it he’s shopping it to publishers with no success. #MelaniaMoveOver
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Breaking Now: A source close to RFK Jr. says that Kennedy has convinced Elon Musk to develop ‘Ant Neuralink,’ a brain chip for ants to communicate directly with humans about the dangers of vaccines. #AntTech