verybadllama.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

the Epstein files are like the floating door at the end of Titanic - I'm pretty sure there's enough room on there for both of them

submitted 20 hours ago • 4 comments

we’re probably 2-3 tweets maximum from learning the truth about Trump’s weight or Elon’s botched penis

submitted 20 hours ago • 4 comments

not now, sweetie, mommy’s refreshing the Tesla stock price

submitted 20 hours ago • 0 comments

you're doing great, boys, now release each other's tax returns

submitted 20 hours ago • 5 comments

the thing about “bread and circuses” is that you’re not supposed to double the price of bread and then become the circus

submitted 20 hours ago • 6 comments

clearing my schedule this afternoon to switch back and forth between their social media accounts like I’m watching history’s stupidest game of tennis

submitted 20 hours ago • 3 comments

trying out a new strategy I'm calling "weaponized competence". I will complete tasks with such devastating skill that you burn with shame at the thought of ever asking me to perform it again. You will look at the way I loaded the dishwasher and apologize to me for being born.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Nova Scotia Power leaked my bank account information on the internet and so I have spit-roasted them in the Beaverton.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay were 34 and 39 years old when they reached the summit of Everest, which tells me the over-the-counter painkillers available in 1953 must have been some Good Shit

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

one day you’re young and carefree and then suddenly you can name an exact time limit when using a lawnmower on a residential street should be punishable by death

submitted 2 days ago • 8 comments

Happy anniversary to my beloved French husband. There’s no one on earth whose private message logs I would rather mail to federal immigration authorities. Je t’aime.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

had a bad dream that I somehow mentally paused to go get an Iced Capp from Dream Tim Hortons, which means at long last I have ascended to the final level of Canadian

submitted 4 days ago • 4 comments

she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, we both live in an age of rapidly accelerating climate change where it is increasingly necessary to wear 'warm weather' clothing for growing portions of the year, and it's only getting bleaker

submitted 5 days ago • 4 comments

me: when I was your age, the United States was the greatest superpower in the world my grandchild: 當然，奶奶，我們帶您去睡覺吧。

submitted 6 days ago • 8 comments

small towns have exactly two types of crime, which are "mysterious unsolved case that defies earthly explanations and haunts everyone involved for the rest of their lives" and "Big Jim got into his cups again and threw a propane tank through the front window at Dairy Queen"

submitted 8 days ago • 9 comments

thank you Facebook ads, I was just looking for a 10-pack of steel nozzles for my Formless Pork Horrors

submitted 9 days ago • 10 comments

begging Disney to go back to what they do best, which is creating child-friendly adaptations of unfathomably horrifying adult stories. shove your live-action remakes and give us a G-rated Flowers in the Attic musical, you cowards.

submitted 10 days ago • 6 comments

[my ancestors chilling in England in the year 1066] gosh I sure do love eating starchy root vegetables and hearing news about the King, I hope this continues uninterrupted for the next 959 years

submitted 10 days ago • 6 comments

it's like watching the fall of Rome, except if the Emperor was sprinting through the streets of Rome smashing the place up with a tire-iron for absolutely no reason

submitted 12 days ago • 9 comments

"use AI to summarize this email" no thank you, I'm trying to hold on to my ability to read long-form text without feeling my brain overheat like a cheap laptop booting up twelve Sims expansion packs

submitted 15 days ago • 4 comments

welcome to life after 30, your daily routine is scrolling through posts from old friends talking about how their flesh-eating ghost bones disease was caught just in time because they listened to their bodies while you just ignore that New Weird Pain That Is Probably Fine

submitted 16 days ago • 5 comments

manufacturer: we've invented a lightbulb designed to flip off the sun. a single bulb can light a football stadium and its entire parking lot. the light is so intense it can bake a holiday ham in 17 minutes. every car company: get two of those in every compact SUV immediately

submitted 16 days ago • 3 comments

unclear if this raccoon is casing my parents’ chicken coop or simply looking for an opportunity to ask the chickens about their cars’ extended warranties

submitted 17 days ago • 3 comments

best reason to give your pet a human name is to intentionally confuse people. I’ve been telling an acquaintance about Bianca throwing up in my bed for months and I can tell in his eyes that he knows it’s way too late to ask whether she’s a human child.

submitted 17 days ago • 15 comments

if anyone is in the market for a new political pundit, my dad is available to watch half an hour of news every night while repeating “I just don’t think they should be allowed to do any of this” in increasingly disapproving tones

submitted 18 days ago • 13 comments

I think if you tweet both of these opinions in a 48-hour window, Margaret Atwood should legally get to appoint someone to go to your house and hit you with a shovel

submitted 20 days ago • 12 comments

highly recommend getting a job working with teenagers if you enjoy being told that the music you listened to six years ago is gross old people music, unlike this brand new artist they are just discovering who has been dead since 1997

submitted 22 days ago • 19 comments

RFK Jr makes exactly one decision every day and it’s just deciding whether he wants to spend the day ruining his health or yours

submitted 22 days ago • 2 comments

pleased to announce that I am now offering my services as a paid HBO branding consultant, my main responsibility would be to wander the halls of HBO and slap anyone who suggests changing any aspect of the name, colour scheme or logo

submitted 22 days ago • 6 comments

POV: you are 90 seconds late feeding a chihuahua her breakfast

submitted 24 days ago • 11 comments

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, a woman who generously gifted me her whole entire face

submitted 25 days ago • 2 comments

fly me to the moon before all the moon condos are gone let me see what rent is like on MoonZillow dot com

submitted 25 days ago • 2 comments

got a notification on my phone that my screen time has dropped 30% and was briefly proud of myself before I remembered that it’s because I have been playing Oblivion Remastered for 7 hours per day

submitted 26 days ago • 8 comments

Today, our client Rümeysa Öztürk was released on bail from ICE detention in Louisiana, and she will return to New England to continue her studies. 📸 Giancarlo D’Agostaro

submitted 27 days ago • 563 comments

incredibly funny to convert to a religion that thinks one specific guy is infallible, only for that one specific guy to go on the internet and tell everyone you suck

submitted 28 days ago • 4 comments