Profile avatar
xsfleabaggage.bsky.social
Follows with no expectation of follow back. Laughter is resistance, like the shitest version but hey. My crap 👇🏾 https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:5nbpbsgxzkstv4oavt5uzwdl/feed/aaaigjz7b3w6e
1,005 posts 620 followers 202 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 42 Comments 6

You're the super in my glue, You're the mountain in my dew. You're the horse in my shoe, All I need is you to pick up super glue, Mountain Dew, and some horseshoes on the way home from work.

submitted 7 hours ago • 2 comments

“I just want to clarify something.” Gets out some butter.

submitted 16 hours ago • 1 comment

guy next to me at this sushi restaurant looks like jacques cousteau because he is wearing a turtleneck and a jacques cousteau hat and he is on a date with a giant purple octopus

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Life is like a box of frogs: There are some frogs in it

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

I’d love to go to the UP. I’ve never been.

submitted 1 day ago • 23 comments

fridge is milk’s cold home

submitted 289 days ago • 2 comments

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It had mixed feelings about the times.

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

The eyebrows are the tires of the face. A good set will get you through most situations

submitted 22 hours ago • 15 comments

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

submitted 646 days ago • 24 comments

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

submitted 94 days ago • 20 comments

I only want what's best for the squirrels.

submitted 22 hours ago • 10 comments

unhinge your jaw

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

submitted 21 hours ago • 1 comment

Hey girl are you minus two hundred and seventy three degrees Celsius? Cos you have absolute zero interest in me

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

{holds finger to earpiece} I’m being told that the divine epiphanies I’ve been having are in fact just basic pattern recognition

submitted 235 days ago • 3 comments

adult cows wear moomoos & baby cows wear calftans. folks,, this isn’t even today’s worst i have more

submitted 2 days ago • 17 comments

If it weren't for people who don't follow me I would never know that steak knife is funnier than butter knife.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Teacher put a tooth in a glass of cola and it dissolved in a week. She asked, “what did you learn.” I thought, “well I wouldn’t have believed it, but it’s possible to make a serve of cola I’m not keen on.”

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

C'mon Gen X. We survived the Cola Wars. We got this.

submitted 2 days ago • 19 comments

US Post sold to Amazon. Shares values in giant cardboard box factories through roof.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Hippos may be cute, but they don't believe in anything. Except murder.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Put the news on again and it was nice, lots of good, sensible things happening in the world. It’s fine. We’re all gonna be fine.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

Interviewer: Under “Accomplishments” on your resume, all you listed was “Made first-chair clarinet in high school orchestra.” Were there supposed to be other accomplishments? Me: [holding back tears] There were supposed to be, yes.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

mom: What are you reading teen: stuff crows wrote mom: Like what teen: crow stuff. like caw mom: I dont want you reading that teen: i dont care i like it

submitted 220 days ago • 2 comments

Two tickets for Paddington Tastes Human Flesh for the First Time, thank you

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

The girl knew only that the times of light between star rise and set were diminishing with each iteration…and that she was solar-powered.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Air traffic controllers stifle pilot innovation

submitted 5 days ago • 18 comments

INGRATIATE yourself with your fellow co-workers and break the ice at urinals by shouting "OH NO, IT'S COMING OUT" with a mix of terror and confusion as you start to pee.

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Dodgeball but with random people that don't know they're playing.

submitted 3 days ago • 19 comments

I was raised by lego parents that I built for myself. My father was a handless Astronaut, my mother, a cowgirl wearing a scuba tank.

submitted 3 days ago • 8 comments

Hey does anybody know what to do

submitted 26 days ago • 50 comments

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

submitted 2 days ago • 11 comments

Woke up in a desperate scramble for mediocrity again.

submitted 553 days ago • 0 comments

[Asteroid about to hit, everyone is leaving to be with loved ones] My boss: I have a little project for you

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

don't get comfortable we're not into the woods yet

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Me showing Trump how to use Google to check for miss-information. Trump, half an hour later, “son of a b…!”

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I would like to share more with you but I signed an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing an NDA about signing

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Let’s change the national anthem to (high pitched keening)

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Donald Trump licking a toad. The toad’s eyes roll back, completely black.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I’ll make sense when the world does.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

I too hate it when everyone but me is the problem.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment