I can't see much wrong with that tbh. I sometimes think these "bad writing" awards are more about how the judges read things rather than how the authors wrote them.
I think this one specifically shows its hand tho; "who was in turn the son of a long list of people who weren’t kings and thus don’t matter" should've ended at either "people" or "kings" depending on if you have to explain the joke or not. As is, it explains the joke too much.
That is a /fantastic/ opening sentence. Establishes the setting, the stakes, and hooks the reader into wanting to hear more about the lawn. It's not quite Gabriel Marcia Marquez, but few are.
I wish all success to the writer of that line, but it feels a little too chatting-with-the-reader to work as a movie unless it's a very loose adaptation.
That's what the chatty narrator is for, so you see, like, the grand melee as a montage, and the chatty narrator is like, "And this guy here, the guy with the white flower and the green ribbon, *that* guy was an *ass*."
What? That makes me want to see what comes next, and surely any opening paragraph that does that isn't the worst! It's completed one of its most vital purposes!
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil.
I literally just finished reading "The Once and Future King" and that is absolutely a line TH White would have put in there if he were writing for today's audience. That is a pitch perfect opening line.
This is like when people put "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." (from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) on a listicle of "worst sentences in English language fiction" a few years ago. Madness and stupidity.
It's a contest the San Jose State University English department has run for decades, I have 3 of their compilations. Submissions are due April 15th every year.
I think I kind of love all of the winners and nominees for various reasons? Like I don't think any novel that came after any of them would have to be bad - especially if the tone was right and properly taking the piss. https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2024
There are a few that I don't particularly like, but the Cthullhu one feels like it's straight out of a teenagers AU fanfic and is definitely going places.
ALL of these, like the Bad Sex awards, the Razzies, they’re all invented by braying idiots who would never take the risk of writing something original in case a braying idiot like them would say it’s bad.
Difference is, the Bad Sex awards and the Razzies have published works nominated by someone other than their creators. The Bulwar Lytton is self submitting opening lines that are supposed to be bad, but these days keep doing all the same tricks and some, like the above, doing them well.
Yeah, the Bulwer-Lytton contest is people deliberately trying to come up with the goofiest, most elaborate opening for a book, patterned after the award's namesake's penchant for verbose, florid openings
guessing it's
“In the beginning the Universe was created.
This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
The original compilation books from...20 ish years ago have genuinely awful but still very funny stuff. "It was a dark and stormy night" and "Son of 'it was a ..." Paperbacks surely only a couple bucks used.
It's the Matter of Britain. All the names are there, and a pretty strong pointer to Malory's version in particular. But it doesn't have to be a Grail Quest or involve samnite-clad arms brandishing swords.
Yeah, you can argue over whether that opened works for you or not but it's not in any way badly done, clunky or melodramatic which I gather should be the purpose of awards like this. It would be like giving the Bad Sex Award to a well-written passage about bad sex
I feel cheated to learn that this is a contest to compose deliberately bad opening paragraphs rather than for actual opening paragraphs. I’d buy this book in a heartbeat.
Yeah, inasmuch as it was always a bit cruel to have a contest for relatively innocent lack of self-awareness, this thing has obviously become the playground of genuinely clever people deliberately "writing bad" and inevitably failing because they and the audience both get the joke.
This is from a writing contest specifically about openings. But I dearly hope this author writes a full book in this style! I'd read it in a heartbeat. https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2024
Reminds me of hearing someone describe the etymology of mausoleum: "The tomb of King Mausolus, commissioned by his wife and sister, who were not two different people..."
i've literally seen a douglas adams bit (i think stolen by a student) on a worst writing compilation (the "hanging in the air in precisely the way that bricks do not" line).
Man, if you’re going to publish a list like that, you really need a friend who’s smarter than you to catch your most humiliating mistakes before the world sees them.
Also, related: I feel healed somehow by finding out that the relevant acronym is BLAFWOP. It sounds like an onomatopoetic rending of a self-important opener falling flat.
This is very obviously meant to be funny (and it succeeds, for me) and establishes tone beautifully - agreed that this is a weird choice for these awards!
Comments
I would be hooked
"We'd made it through another nuclear winter, and the lawn had just trapped and eaten its first robin."
That alone would have made me read the next 2 pages to see whether it kept up.
https://adamcadre.ac/lyttle/
“In the beginning the Universe was created.
This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
The contest is to write the worst opening line.
life goal updated!
Not really a collection, just bits here and there.
Dammit WHAT BOOK IS THAT FROM I WANT IT
its_still_real_to_me_dammit.jiff
Have these people not heard of Sir Terry
Doesn’t deserve the “dark and stormy night” award
The sudden change in style-
The bomb drop of a final sentence-
I'm sorry but this is gold. Actually immaculate.
Only way this is the worst opening paragraph is if the book itself is a Vietnamese-Cantonese fusion cookbook.
And even then …
😂😂🤣 Delightful.
Would totally read whatever comes next.
(the line between terrible and brilliant is so very, very thin.)
--GRRM
Beyond that 10/10. One note (as noted above)
HOW
*how*