I’m a tough as nails assassin with a gaping, potentially fatal wound that I just bothered to douse with whiskey during an ongoing life-or-death foot chase, ask me anything
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If you mean what drives me in general, it’s money. If you mean why did I pour whiskey on my wound it’s because I was well trained by my assassin mentor. He told me “if it’s a choice between your target and germs, kill the target. If it’s a choice between running or killing germs, kill germs.”
This.... "Bruce Willis in Die Hard"-esque affectation you're doing with your voice — it's pretty cool. It's like everything you mutter underlines your coolheadedness in a given situation.
Is it an intimidation tactic? Or is it a result of years of yelling? Would like to know more
I’m from a lot of movies but you can see my techniques deployed as recently as season two of Killing Eve. Villanelle is stabbed in the stomach and gives her escape a crucial “time out” to pour whiskey on the bleeding hole. She is then able to flee while fountaining 100 percent germ free blood
you haven’t asked me anything yet so I’ll get the ball rolling by answering the most obvious question which is “why” and I think you already know the answer, I’m preventing infection. I welcome all followups
Now you’re asking why disinfecting a wound will matter if I bleed out or get killed and the answer is I don’t plan for failure, I got this far by assuming my survival is possible and frankly I’d have died of gangrene 12 wounds ago had I “prioritized” short term survival over sterilization
now you’re asking, clearly sarcastically, if there are other long term plans I begin executing while fleeing Interpol through the streets of Venice clutching a stab-hole. And guess what buddy as a matter of fact I have a whole list and it’s probably why I’m still alive
One of the first things I do as soon as I can find temporary cover: I floss. And I mean thoroughly. Every tooth. Counterintuitive? Yep. Yet here I am, still alive, unlike so many of my colleagues, none of whom flossed during foot chases after getting shot or stabbed
I also check in with my accountant. I do a lot of stuff I guess you think you wouldn’t make time to do while bleeding to death and running. I do it all. And before you ask: no, it’s not a “placebo” effect thing. It’s not a “dumbo feather.” I’m not doing it symbolically or superstitiously.
If you shoot me or stab me,
And I get away, and I’m desperately trying to escape being all the way killed by you, I will first pour whiskey on my wound, then I will floss all of my teeth, call my stock broker and read non-spoiler reviews of TV shows I’ve been waiting to binge
I say that a lot but the truth is, I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I stopped. Being an assassin, specifically a severely wounded one, is literally the one job that combines my two interests: germs and emergency medical care
I keep my cabin very filthy and wear a special hose-lined suit that coats my skin in whiskey. Anyone that enters my cabin is first wounded by a dart trap and then it’s just a matter of time (as little as three weeks) before the surrounding bacteria takes them out
What's your take on "Best of..." albums? Great entry point or not doing the work? Let's say there's an exclusive bonus track - does that sweeten the deal or is the cynicism too much to bear?
Alcohol is what you’re after but you really want to avoid rubbing an open wound. The best thing you can do for a wound is let it yawn wide open so those germs get good and blasted by a generous pour of whiskey, gin, vodka or strong IPA. Bottles are best, the neck creates a high pressure splash
With ice, you’re just numbing pain, reducing inflammation, slowing bleeding... A doctor can do those things IF YOU GET TO ONE after getting the hell OUT of the life threatening situation with gouts of 100 percent DIRT FREE blood shooting in rhythmic arcs through a PRISTINE, whiskey glazed gash
The enemy’s true weapon - bullet or blade dwelling microorganisms - make their home in any wound that isn’t splashed with an alcoholic beverage. I have never tried to use a wound for storage but I did apply for a patent for a tiny bottle of time release whiskey that could be surgically implanted
That makes me think that shrinking an assassin down to the size of a microbe and including them in the 🥃 might be a powerful combination. A single shot of Whiskey Assassin™ could keep you bacteria free for some amount of time for maximal escape possibilities.
I never bring forceps, bandages, surgical thread, hydrogen peroxide or alcohol to any job. To me that’s planning for failure. As soon as I get shot or stabbed, I find the nearest most painful liquid to pour on my open bleeding wound but it has to be discovered “in situ” because I’m an optimist
I usually just wince. It stings quite a bit but I’ve been getting shot and stabbed for enough time now to associate that stinging sensation with what I know is a positive and vital goal: the immediate and thorough sanitization of my wide open, plasma jetting laceration
Absolutely. A great rule of thumb: if it can’t be served to a child, it can and should be used to medically treat a life threatening injury. I don’t personally PREFER syrupy mixers because the stickiness can accidentally “close” the wound, effectively protecting clever germs from alcohol
For me it’s just about balancing science with time management and positivity. Pouring whiskey onto my otherwise ignored wound eliminates my two worst enemies (germs and overpriced brand name ointments) and never bringing or using any form of bandage puts me in a crucial “I can’t get wounded” zone
I do take a belt of it, yes. To make sure there’s alcohol in it and not just a bunch of germs or blood. Those I’ve got in spades! When i get shot. The goal is to cleanse the wound of all bacteria so i test it with a swig and a grimace
I wish! That’s the wound you want to hope for because the liver acts as a “drinker,” drawing the booze to the center of the wound, where the bullet or knife germs love to hide. It also distributes surplus whiskey to the skin surface, effectively forming an anti-bacterial forcefield
I’m not allowed to see my daughter because I showed up to the delivery “smelling of alcohol” (because I had just been at work and had an open wound full of whiskey). I also tried to disinfect my wife (she was bleeding for god’s sake) so it’s supposedly my fault our little girl is an addict #wokeism
I send mom a case of whiskey a year. She is 107 in spite of having been shot by firing squad in 1935. They put her body in a whiskey barrel and the fumes cleaned her wounds enough to keep her alive. I tell her, mom, get those wounds bandaged, she says “it would just shield the germs from whiskey.”
How are you not getting blood on your phone right now? Like smeared all over the place and yet the words aren’t all misspelled? You wouldn’t risk voice to text during an ongoing foot chase and there’s definitely blood all over your hands if you care enough about your wound to pour whiskey on it.
I rinsed my thumbs with whiskey and am hiding behind a large crate. My enemies aren’t far but I need to give this whiskey time to soak into the center of the bleeding wound.. Once I feel the distinct sting that indicates a 100 percent sanitized wound, I will resume limp-running and spurting blood
Woulda been cooler if you used the muzzle of a recently fired pistol to type. The heat of being fired would sanitize and dry any liquids and I think the conductivity of the metal would work on the screen. Wielding akimbo pistols would let you type faster and you’d be ready if your pursuers caught up
Unfortunately, every second counts, so there’s no time to cauterize, pack, sew, tourniquet or apply pressure to my huge wound. Those things can be done IF I survive. To survive I must do two things: run for my life and keep the wound 100 percent free of germs
Great question. I don’t know right now because I’m not close enough to bleeding to death so I’m still pouring painful things on my open wound while limp-running from captors but it’s next on my list to start shopping around for a new provider, right after a quick visit to Zillow (in case I live)
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Is it an intimidation tactic? Or is it a result of years of yelling? Would like to know more
And I get away, and I’m desperately trying to escape being all the way killed by you, I will first pour whiskey on my wound, then I will floss all of my teeth, call my stock broker and read non-spoiler reviews of TV shows I’ve been waiting to binge
I bet that if you shake it up you can really pressure it in there!
🥺