Have you considered going on CNN as a scouting mission for a hostile takeover? Five bottles of colloidal silver, one gold and a years supply of multi vitamins and fiber supplements should do the trick.
I can't believe I get to have the opportunity to tell you that you are my hero. I've been reading The onion since 1999, I love what you did, it's absolutely badass and I'm thrilled at the schadenfreude.
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Well played!