I’ve been estranged from my dad for probably 15-20 years and he passed away over the summer. Out of no where the thought of getting out xmas decorations fully sent me emotionally. Man, life is hard sometimes. Hope this gets easier.
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My father died on Oct. 8th. We had a difficult then non-existent relationship. It is still difficult. Complicated grief is complicated. I think it gets better.
I'll be going through this soon with 15-20 years estranged also. About 2 years ago he got sick and I tried 1 more time. Same result and may never talk to him again. But I get it. There are a few of 'those' memories. Best wishes.
Oh man I an so sorry. Family estrangement is so difficult. Starting in September, my anxiety begins to grow. It is painful, I know. I am sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.
I was estranged from my father for 10 years when he passed in 2021 and can relate to this. His birthday last year hit me like a ton of bricks. Life is hard sometimes. Sending hugs.
It will...you're at a raw stage. It's gonna be a bumpy ride but you'll find a way to process all the incredible feels that come with a situation like yours. Keep going, give yourself all the permissions you need, and ask for help if you can. Sending cheesy big hugs, perfect stranger on BlueSky.
Grief's a funny beast. Especially when tangled with the complexities of a tumultuous parent-child relationship. My dad passed in 2022. I did/still am mourning so many different things. His physical passing, but also all of the unresolved grief from while he was still here. Sending you love & grace
My Mom & Dad divorced when l was in 10th Grade
We always stayed in touch, but he & l always butted head
We would go round & round about religion l being an agnostic
What l wouldn't give to have 1 more debate
Mo
My Mom & Dad Died 3 weeks apart in 2019
I was estranged from my mother for the last 12 years of her life. I spent a decade in therapy to get over the guilt and abandonment (she chose relatives who raped me as a child over me and my family). I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Reach out for help. This is a complex issue.
I was estranged from my mother for abt 3 years when she passed 16 years ago. I had my moments several times after that. I thought I was over it when 7 1/2 years after, I lost it & cried myself to sleep on her grave. It comes & goes, but we have each other. Take your time. 🫂
You are definitely not alone. Many of us have been on a similar journey, feeling pain like you. It bit easy losing your dad, whether near or far.❤️❤️❤️
I was on good terms with my dad though there was a lot of baggage, but regardless, it is sometimes necessary to check out for awhile. It gets better. Doesn’t mean you forget, but it becomes easier to let things be. If that makes sense. Take care.
I lost my whole family. I was putting up holiday garland last night and just started sobbing big time. I know my Mum would want me to. That was the only reason I was doing it.
Some days are better. Some are not.
The older I get the more I miss things and people that I thought I was finished with…but only we know the truth about why they were gone…and what memory brings them back.
I too was estranged, 20 years, found out he had passed away via my aunt’s obit, referring to him as “the late”. Have no idea when he passed though, just sometime before Aug of last year. You are not alone.
Sorry for your loss. I still miss my Dad who I lost in 2016. No one can replace your parents. But prayers you find a way to forgive whatever caused that rift between you.
My Pop died in late August (‘23), the day before my brother’s birthday. He was my best friend. My Pop. As close as I was/am to him, I don’t think that the death of a loved one (even estranged) ever stops hurting.
Small things can bring back long forgotten moments/memories. Hope you feel better.
I'm curious but afraid to read it. My spouse and I have been struggling for several years with an adult son who has a mental illness that causes delusions, and he is estranged from us because we told him he needs mental health care Estrangement is often caused by mental illness, not bad parenting.
With respect, you wouldn't believe how much reading I've done on this subject. I can't find a way forward. Even reading hurts. Although I can perfectly understand why estrangement is a reasonable response in some situations, I suspect that it is a solution being reached too quickly by many.
I lost my dad in 2013. We had a very difficult relationship and it wasn’t great. But every so often I wish I could have a conversation with him. It’s funny, when I was younger I was afraid to engage him as an adult. But now, I’m out of fs to give and I’d love to talk to him now! 😂
My Dad just passed 10/3. We had a good relationship. I miss him dearly! The holidays are really going to suck this year, but we will make it minute by minute. ❤️🩹 my condolences about your Dad! It’s not easy
Losing a parent is always difficult, probably more so if you were estranged. My mom passed two years ago and just today I did something that completely reminded me of something she would do. Yep, you guessed it… I cried. So what? We all have to grieve our own way.
My Dad died in 1983. Our relationship can only be described as a love/hate one, with him having a bad temper and being physical when upset.
Still, every once in a while, an experience or a view,sound, song or smell, that I associate with him, brings me to tears.
This may help. I was the opposite, I was clinging to my dad's pant leg my entire life. I never spent a day without talking to him or seeing him. When I was 22 he died. Even though I consider it a gift, I never had anyone to turn to after that. So, you are ahead of me. Still lost at 50.
I am sorry , I totally understand , xmas was our childhood for better or worse , our parents were the witnesses of our earliest years , and thus it all comes flooding back at these times , those fleeting moments of joy when they were still our heroes , sending you a hug . It'll get easier.
He was your Father, you still have to give yourself room to grieve even if it was not an ideal relationship. I have the same relationship to my Older Brother, just kind of waiting for him to die to grieve what could have been.
Those moments will always get you. I was at Sam’s Club yesterday and they had a sweater that looked just like one my mom used to wear. I was trying not to cry in the store, but that doesn’t always happen.
It gets easier but you don’t fully get over it. You just learn how to live with the grief.
Sorry to read this and hope you feel better as the holiday season progresses. I imagine you'll find that the estrangement was more than justified as you reflect on the situation. At least that's been my experience in relation to my abusive father who I tokenized for the last 20 years of his life.
Grief is not a straight line experience. Stuff will hit you from the backside. Feel the feels. Name them. Ponder over them. Own them.dont allow them to own you.
Yes it is the little things that really hit hard. Old photographs, letters, cards, keepsakes…sending hugs…remember grief has no time table and is very personal.
Joe Biden said, he finally knew he was going to make it through losing Beau, when he could think of him and smile, instead of cry. I hope you can get there. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago. Grief doesn't end, it changes. You learn how to live & cope. 1 day at a time Ryan. You will smile again. 😄
My father passed then 3 years later my mother, I was in denial then in shock. Their absence hit me like a ton of bricks. I had my nieces and nephews to hang on to thank goodness and over time I was able to come to terms with their deaths. 🙏
That happened to me a few years ago. Something about looking at those plastic tubs of Christmas stuff sent me over the edge. And this was months after a bad thing had happened. Maybe just put up 1 or 2 things this year
This is a topic with which I am well acquainted. Sentimental holdings are designed for these feelings, whether our family members are living or dead. Be glad you feel. Then try to view it as a feeling and not a person. Anyway hope this helps.
My parents & I were not estranged & my mom has been gone for 15 years & my dad for 2 years. I can run across something & become a blubbering mess in seconds. It will never be okay, but it will get easier to live with. 🤷♀️♥️
Life is complicated and sometimes sad. But I think it's cool as shit you want to get out those decorations. They must hold some good memories, go with it. ❤️
Wow, I did not expect such an outpouring of support from folks, but I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Its good not to feel alone about it. Thanks to those sharing their stories, and thank you for the kindness, everyone. ♥️
You’re not alone. Last year, my brother told me that he bought a string of old fashioned Christmas lights to put up in his apartment. He died on Dec 1 and when my son pulled the lights from a box, I broke down. He never got to use them. It’s hard to see these again but I honor him by hanging them.
I wish my sister would have felt that way about my mother. Mom did everything to reconnect. She didn’t come see mom when she was sick or to the memorial. She did reach out afterward to find out what mom left her. A note showing the amount of money mom loaned her over the decades she never paid back.
I'm sorry for your loss! I lost my mother last year! We were exchanged for 30 years. I ran into her 10 year ago and she was suffering from Alzheimer's and wanted to reconnect so I did! I won't say it gets easier but I will say you can live with it in time...
I feel your pain, I’ve been estranged from my parents 8 years now, I dunno how I’m gonna handle the phone call when the day comes.
Actually they probably wouldn’t even tell me.
Regardless, chin up. You got this bro.
Easier, not really sure. You learn coping skills but there are still days that train blindsides you. So sorry for your loss, I hope peace comes to you soon. Best.
I'm very sorry. I met my father one time only when I was 53, and the old man was 81. He never wanted me, yet I tried to meet him and have a relationship with him. My mother and sperm donor were married when I was born, so don't go there.
I believe that sometimes the grief we feel is not for the actual person,but for the loss of the possibility the other person will understand and co-create a path for love.
I wish you resolution and peace.
My mom and I were estranged for about 10 years. We buried the hatchet in '19. She passed in '21. I treasure those 2 years. Every now and then, something will remind me of her and I become a mess. Just enjoy the memories.
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We always stayed in touch, but he & l always butted head
We would go round & round about religion l being an agnostic
What l wouldn't give to have 1 more debate
Mo
My Mom & Dad Died 3 weeks apart in 2019
https://youtu.be/o_Qki1PPQc8?si=WE5MT_lLP5XSKfJL
The older I get the more I miss things and people that I thought I was finished with…but only we know the truth about why they were gone…and what memory brings them back.
Wishing peace and love.
Small things can bring back long forgotten moments/memories. Hope you feel better.
Still, every once in a while, an experience or a view,sound, song or smell, that I associate with him, brings me to tears.
It gets easier but you don’t fully get over it. You just learn how to live with the grief.
First the waves are large and rapid. But they do decrease in size and frequency over time.
These days for me, when something reminds me of him, my grief is more of a happy-sad. He was a good dude!
♥️
✌️
I feel you.
Actually they probably wouldn’t even tell me.
Regardless, chin up. You got this bro.
I wish you resolution and peace.