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birdiegirl.bsky.social
I would say nice to meet you, but I don’t believe in time as a concept, so I’ll just say: we always met https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:j3den4pqjo6kqybjwxywh2hu/feed/aaabqiqcqj7zg
1,179 posts 5,587 followers 1,059 following
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Posts 28 Comments 3

Women live longer than men because they deserve a little time to themselves

submitted 77 days ago • 8 comments

Okay so this is awkward now but when I yelled, "Get your ass on the tortilla, and stay there," it wasn't for you, it was the shredded cheese

submitted 78 days ago • 23 comments

Kid, it will be your turn when Santa writes my demands out word for word like I asked.

submitted 78 days ago • 1 comment

There’s a specific type of white guy you can just look at and know he cranked that soulja boy hard in 2007.

submitted 78 days ago • 16 comments

You don't get bonus points for detailing your year of naughty and nice in Excel. Santa literally does not give a shit about Microsoft

submitted 78 days ago • 33 comments

Saving up my good jokes like a retirement plan

submitted 78 days ago • 10 comments

The pure of heart have no need to floss.

submitted 78 days ago • 15 comments

Einstein: Question everything. Me: Why?

submitted 78 days ago • 17 comments

Sometimes I like to take a nice relaxing walk on my lunch break and then roll around in pine straw like a dog until I'm covered in it and then sit at my desk in silence for the rest of the day like nothing happened

submitted 77 days ago • 7 comments

The thing I miss most about the 90s is how smoking wasn’t bad for you, let’s go back to that

submitted 77 days ago • 9 comments

Me: I was loved weird as a kid and it sort of made me a butt I guess Therapist: that is verbatim what I just wrote in my notebook

submitted 77 days ago • 0 comments

Nice outfit, loser. 1876 called and the phone has been invented

submitted 77 days ago • 7 comments

Spitting out peace on earth and good will to men because I know imitation flavoring when I taste it

submitted 77 days ago • 10 comments

[rolls down car window] “Pardon me, do you have any morally grey Poupon?”

submitted 77 days ago • 9 comments

putting phish stickers on my car so if i get pulled over i get to meet a dog

submitted 78 days ago • 12 comments

Hoisted by a bunch of other people’s petards

submitted 77 days ago • 1 comment

Being held for questioning sounds so nice

submitted 77 days ago • 72 comments

A special holiday message from our CEO: “Please don’t shoot me.”

submitted 79 days ago • 6 comments

I know I’m a Grinch because my ass has already grown three sizes from all the holiday parties and baking I’ve inhaled.

submitted 80 days ago • 9 comments

When you saw only one footprint, then one more footprint, followed by a set of footprints in the sand, it was then I was hopping on the beach to teach you the Fibonacci sequence

submitted 449 days ago • 12 comments

She had bedroom eyes. Teeth like a porcelain sink. A great front porch. Her foundation was a little cracked, and the basement was kinda dank, but she had a rumpus room that wouldn't quit.

submitted 80 days ago • 17 comments

I can't be the only one that sang I'll make love to you if you want me to in the lap of a fraudulent Santa

submitted 81 days ago • 46 comments

I like the word fisticuffs because it gets me horny twice

submitted 81 days ago • 5 comments

Sex addicts should just be happy that they have the option

submitted 81 days ago • 1 comment

Aren't you sick of pretending you're human and not the universe experiencing itself?

submitted 99 days ago • 23 comments

It’s rude to show up to someone’s house empty-handed so I always bring some fuckery.

submitted 83 days ago • 13 comments

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident Me: oh yeah you bet I rear ended him before I shot him

submitted 83 days ago • 1 comment

Sometimes you gotta put a fork in the microwave just to change the vibe

submitted 83 days ago • 14 comments