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nehemiah0.bsky.social
23 posts 57 followers 172 following
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me: good morning Killbot killbot: good morning sir, shall i kill you this morning sir or prepare a smoothie me: smoothie please killbot: excellent choice sir i shall try again tomorrow

submitted 3 days ago • 122 comments

Skip Intro would be a great name for a boy

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

Happy Rush Limbaugh Death Day to all who celebrate.

submitted 6 days ago • 24 comments

Walt Whitman was a great poet but he really knocked it out of the park with his chocolate sampler.

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

looking back, AOL had it right. 30 hours of internet per month was the right amount.

submitted 10 days ago • 212 comments

I had lasik 15 years ago and its starting to slip. the guy who did it, who i prepaid for a “touch up” if i need it, is in jail for hiring a hit man to kill his brother in law who was also a lasik surgeon. anyway. if i need glasses again. im just getting sunglasses and ill be a sunglasses always guy

submitted 18 days ago • 1 comment

I never wanted to be this politically informed.

submitted 21 days ago • 3 comments

It's just me and my melon baller against God.

submitted 19 days ago • 14 comments

Akash Bobba, Luke Farritor, Ethan Shaotran, Gavin Kliger, Gauthier Cole Killian, and Edward Coristine. Spread their names, spread their shame. These are the unelected Musk lackies with no Congressional oversight that broke into OUR data.

submitted 20 days ago • 20 comments

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

I finally wrote about my favorite movies of 2024

submitted 27 days ago • 26 comments

"The people who run this country should not lead comfortable lives while the rest of us suffer. If decorum is dead, let it be buried." damn that is a BAR. made me pause reading so I could find out if the writer's on bluesky lol (she is btw @mckinneykelsey.bsky.social) defector.com/the-old-rule...

submitted 30 days ago • 27 comments

We don’t care how many times you’ve seen Teen Wolf. Do not try to play basketball with the wolves. They will eat you.

submitted 31 days ago • 6 comments

fostering a dog and he just tried to eat my lasagna. you’re not a cat bro. that’s cultural appropriation

submitted 33 days ago • 203 comments

Before the pandemic hit, I was documenting all the costumes in Blake's 7 and I left off just when things were getting kinky, so here's what I have so far. I will make more as I have time, including THAT leather outfit (and that and that and that)

submitted 34 days ago • 32 comments

“We’re all god’s children.” I say, trying to order off the kids menu.

submitted 36 days ago • 9 comments

I actually can make a horse drink. I figured it out.

submitted 39 days ago • 19 comments

something beautiful about this happening in a way that saves Chinatown while still making Parker look like a clown and exposing a bunch of council members as the lickspittles they are

submitted 42 days ago • 22 comments

Woof woof mush mush

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

Cinderella should've killed those bitches

submitted 49 days ago • 12 comments

how come the employer doesn’t have to wash their hands

submitted 49 days ago • 10 comments

Is he not?

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

I like when people look like how their names sound. Like Merle Haggard, or my friend Jimmy Fuckface

submitted 51 days ago • 10 comments

“Can you explain the gap in your résumé?” The boys were back in town

submitted 57 days ago • 18 comments

submitted 64 days ago • 60 comments

guy who shoved me at the bar last night didn't know he was pushing a trained speed walker but he sure as hell found out

submitted 63 days ago • 8 comments

Who up Crowding they House

submitted 64 days ago • 1 comment

me: we should try tantrum sex her: you mean “tantric”? me: *stomping foot* NO

submitted 540 days ago • 4 comments

Me and the boys 12 beers deep about to hit midnight mass Christmas Eve and make a spectacle of ourselves.

submitted 70 days ago • 2 comments

People always wish for the ability to talk to animals. Bro, you can, just do it.

submitted 68 days ago • 9 comments

Jackie Chan's Police Story is a Christmas movie

submitted 77 days ago • 12 comments

Cause

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments

What I thought would kill me, by age: 0-20: Russian nuke 20-30: AIDS 30-50: Terrorists 50-present: the people who copied off me in high school.

submitted 72 days ago • 97 comments

[ four dentists coming out of the woods ] me: hey weren't there five of you them: (in agreement) no

submitted 570 days ago • 11 comments

Hi. I’m the lemons life warned you about.

submitted 88 days ago • 10 comments

Ordered poached eggs and they took them off some other guy’s plate.

submitted 74 days ago • 48 comments

Listen, I don't know why I am itchy all the time, I just am. Now are you going to pass me the sacred severed hand or not?

submitted 74 days ago • 4 comments

Little moosh moosh kitty

submitted 75 days ago • 0 comments

giant sized bag of candy: i'm resealable me: that won't be necessary

submitted 77 days ago • 12 comments

[reunited with a friend I haven’t seen since we were babies] Me: You still into peekaboo?

submitted 459 days ago • 10 comments

Giving the McDonalds that turned the guy in a 1 on Yelp

submitted 76 days ago • 1 comment

There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s unless you’re married

submitted 77 days ago • 12 comments

if i see a frog with a gun. honestly good for him

submitted 79 days ago • 5 comments

Must be terrifying knowing that someone who you’ve never met has the power to destroy your life

submitted 79 days ago • 4 comments

Sure yeah you all hate CEOs now, but you'll change your tune when you need someone who can disrupt workplace engagement paradigms and offer bold innovations in the metrics sector

submitted 79 days ago • 68 comments

I wrapped my cat in aluminum foil so government spy satellites cannot monitor when I kiss him on the lips

submitted 305 days ago • 16 comments

All jokes aside it's really fucked up to see so many people on here celebrating murder. No one here is the judge of who deserves to live or die. That's the job of the AI algorithm the insurance company designed to maximise profits on your health and no one else

submitted 81 days ago • 203 comments

"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."

submitted 82 days ago • 1 comment

I just learned Michael McDonald named his memoir "What A Fool Believes" and I pumped my fist like a head coach watching the game winning field goal go through the uprights

submitted 83 days ago • 4 comments