samotarski.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

a tanning bed is just an air fryer for cannibals.

submitted 3 days ago • 19 comments

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.

submitted 4 days ago • 53 comments

[first time at the strip club] DANCER: you don’t know how this works do you ME [almost fully naked]: I thought I did

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

Now I'm the fuchs in the entartete jagd--how did I not-see that coming?

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

i’ve seen plenty of cybertrucks in the wild by now, each one very disruptive to my mood but i just saw one pass by my home and let me tell you that is an entirely new level of spiritual violence

submitted 8 days ago • 11 comments

seriously tho what is the deal with the insanely exaggerated bronzer makeup who told them this was a good look lol

submitted 8 days ago • 161 comments

There it is. The clam before the storm.

submitted 8 days ago • 693 comments

horns would really suit me ive been saying

submitted 8 days ago • 13 comments

Me: can Bigfoot mate with a Yeti Google: ok one more then bedtime for real

submitted 8 days ago • 9 comments

perhaps unfair but the truth is being an extremely annoying vibe-ruiner compromises your message. if you find yourself embroiled in never ending arguments in every room you enter it’s probably worth asking if you are the most effective messenger for whichever ideas you’re attempting to communicate

submitted 8 days ago • 57 comments

I'm just filling in for the person who's supposed to be here

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

I got a bucket of sidewalk chalk and some bubbles if you wanna come over and maybe forget about things for a while

submitted 8 days ago • 31 comments

David Byrne timidly exits a waterlogged suit and scuttles across the sizzling sand. Until he locates an improbably larger suit, he will be left vulnerable to seagulls and other hungry predators. At last, salvation: He finds an abandoned gray suit in a tide pool and crawls into his spacious new home.

submitted 9 days ago • 10 comments

The weight of the world is fine. I work out.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

Let's agree to stop declaring "justice is blind" in front of the private equity managers-- they may be getting the wrong idea

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

the cheesecake factory menu can be used as a ouija board if you want to summon the golden girls.

submitted 10 days ago • 13 comments

random men in camo gear approaching me: We need to ask you a few questions me: Hey fellas! Lurking hard or hardly lurkin'? [hood getting pulled over my head]

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Dolly Parton didn’t spend her dollars on space travel or a trip to the titanic because she was writing checks to put 150 million books in the hands of children.

submitted 12 days ago • 1 comment

I accidentally said I love you at the end of a call with my mechanic, so I'm just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

submitted 14 days ago • 36 comments

My dentist said my teeth were stained. He asked, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?". I said, "I drink it".

submitted 14 days ago • 55 comments

I had a joke about Cassandra but no one would listen

submitted 17 days ago • 16 comments

sitting at the dinner table, i finally break the 20 minutes of pure silence as my wife stares at the ‘fortune favors the brave’ tattoo on my forehead to tell you the truth, i don’t even notice it anymore.

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

Not to be too harsh about it, but what are we good at manufacturing, besides lies?

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

pickleball is ping pong where you can stand on the table

submitted 20 days ago • 14 comments

Applebee’s new slogan is concerning

submitted 20 days ago • 57 comments

Does he at least play an ok round of golf?

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

feeling bad for The Onion writers having all their ideas stolen by reality

submitted 21 days ago • 12 comments

Kirkland Brand Doomsday Bunker

submitted 21 days ago • 11 comments

okay now that you all have gotten a taste of America's rational and predictable new trade policy, everyone who wants to build your new factories here just form an orderly line

submitted 21 days ago • 434 comments

I got this FYP on my feeds but if it were for me it would be FMP: should I forward this to you? It's all pretty lame

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

submitted 25 days ago • 29 comments

the only celebrity in my village is my uncle plaxico who came in third place on a tv game show called ‘so, you think you can name the five parts of a burrito?’

submitted 25 days ago • 1 comment

The old woman began a slow clap. "Bravo for once again not listening to me about the clams."

submitted 26 days ago • 13 comments

Did you need some woodsy nighttime sounds?

submitted 27 days ago • 4 comments

I stand with the penguins of Heard and McDonald Islands!

submitted 27 days ago • 386 comments

Great! Now I can't take my magazine on the aeroplane without being menaced by the 5th column

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

I may be tired and a little hoarse, but as I said again and again on the Senate floor, this is a moment where we cannot afford to be silent, when we must speak up.

submitted 29 days ago • 10901 comments

what booker is doing right now is an example of what i mean when i say things like “we need more ambition right now.” there is room in american politics right now for people with ambition to take big stands and reap the rewards. he’s doing it!

submitted 29 days ago • 530 comments

When I watch drug commercials on the television, I get anxious because I keep expecting ICE agents to appear on the set and take one of the performers away

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

Please… No more fools… We have so many fools already.

submitted 29 days ago • 2 comments

a terminator from the future at my front door: you’ve been targeted for termination. me, eating spaghettios right out of the can: that makes sense.

submitted 29 days ago • 2 comments

A Complete Unknown answers the question “what if we spent $60M filming reaction videos to bob dylan songs”

submitted 32 days ago • 2 comments

The crank spins and gears whirl. You apply pressure to the wound and pray to hell whatever pops out next is just a weasel.

submitted 32 days ago • 1 comment

[ordering at drive thru] her: may i have a large coffee him: could i please have a bagel sandwich with egg and cheese glovebox: yes can i get like twelve to fifteen napkins

submitted 32 days ago • 15 comments

I bought Twitter for $44,000,000,000 and sold it back to myself for $33,000,000,000. I have 43 kids and no friends. Everything I make explodes

submitted 32 days ago • 852 comments

Traitors to democracy? Traitors to Christianity? What's the best thing to have on my phone to go to federal prison?

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

[Driving by a massive pile up] SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash. ME: It’s a collidascope. SON: WIFE: I hate you so much.

submitted 33 days ago • 7 comments

one time i went to a theme park that had a goodfellas ride where i just rode around in the trunk of a car for 3 hours until, eventually, three guys named vinnie killed me.

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

Purpose is not where it's going or where it's been, it's not even a waiting to use it like an engraved swiss army history. You want it moving and being reached for so here's what you do. The final installment on a layaway that's all yours, a tiny knife with a flag that says bang

submitted 35 days ago • 3 comments