Profile avatar
scruf3.bsky.social
thought dumpster number nine
107 posts 66 followers 97 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 45 Comments 3

What if…Newsom is playing the long game with conservatives, placating them so that when he brands himself as a “common sense, right-leaning independent” he will have the votes to change the balance of power in 2028? It would be an actual strategy - unlike whatever the Dems are (aren’t) doing.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Dentist: “Please open up.” Me: “Sometimes I get so sad.”

submitted 5 days ago • 82 comments

My next home will be an old Victorian that I buy and renovate while slowly losing myself and sanity in the process until I finally realize something sinister lives there and I must defeat it to survive

submitted 5 days ago • 50 comments

you want me to pray to god? the guy who killed jesus?

submitted 15 days ago • 22 comments

Motion to start referring to automatic transmission as hands free trans

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

It’s so crazy how it only took around 120 days to go from “This country is going to hell” to “This country is going to heil.”

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

after they go to fort knox they’re gonna check out the nuclear football

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

Pro Tip: Teach your toddlers to count to ten as soon as they show an interest in numbers . . . so they can reset the router when needed.

submitted 25 days ago • 10 comments

He was rare, like someone who finishes a full course of antibiotics

submitted 24 days ago • 5 comments

who the fuck looked at a snail and thought i bet you're delicious, they look like boogers wearing crash helmets you silly little freak

submitted 25 days ago • 55 comments

He died doing what he loved: toggling between the same 3 apps on his phone while ignoring a plot heavy hour long tv show he just started

submitted 27 days ago • 38 comments

looking back, AOL had it right. 30 hours of internet per month was the right amount.

submitted 31 days ago • 213 comments

Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.

submitted 39 days ago • 5 comments

someone twist my back like an ice tray

submitted 39 days ago • 2 comments

someday we will have the technology to turn the plastic accumulating in each of our brains into a personalized McDonald’s happy meal toy but until then we must continue gathering

submitted 40 days ago • 31 comments

me: *sitting in dentist’s chair* dentist: how did you get in my living room

submitted 42 days ago • 5 comments

Me: How much for the big goth torpedo? Marine scientist: That’s an orca.

submitted 48 days ago • 21 comments

Inside of me are two clowns. One fucks around. One finds out.

submitted 50 days ago • 2 comments

Started a band called ‘Duvet.’ All we play are covers

submitted 52 days ago • 225 comments

Cowboys really are America's team, both are run by an old fool that surrounds himself with nepotistic and or sycophantic hires, each less qualified than the last.

submitted 51 days ago • 59 comments

Hot dogs for my real friends, real dogs for my hot friends

submitted 51 days ago • 6 comments

every football announcer: “and katelyn miller is with our gold bond star of the game jocko groinich”

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments

my favorite way to frustrate a dude is to ask what his maiden name is

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments

opening biscuit cans probably doesn’t get enough credit for the trauma that it causes

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments

the best position is juxta

submitted 58 days ago • 7 comments

*walks into mattress warehouse with two fully loaded tag-tearing hands* “time to end the madness” *racks weapons*

submitted 61 days ago • 0 comments

I hate it when I find out and I didn’t even get to fuck around

submitted 61 days ago • 9 comments

INVENTOR OF CORDUROY: what if you could wear potato chips

submitted 61 days ago • 13 comments

it’s not a stretch to say that puns about tailors seam to fit here

submitted 62 days ago • 0 comments

hangnails are the kevin harts of hand injuries

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

a punji pit but with fleshlights

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

chicken soup for the grool

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

inside ewe there are two wolves

submitted 65 days ago • 0 comments

Please enjoy this timeline, where Biff got the almanac.

submitted 65 days ago • 86 comments

Ryan Day looks increasingly as if he has gotten some bootleg offshore plastic surgery.

submitted 65 days ago • 3 comments

inside of wolf are two u’s

submitted 67 days ago • 0 comments

ask your doctor if skyrizi is right for you and then ask them what’s the eleventh decimal number of pi and then ask them the name of their first pet

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments

socks that moan when u match them

submitted 69 days ago • 46 comments

The 26.2 sticker on the back of my car is for how many chicken wings I can eat in a minute

submitted 68 days ago • 17 comments

i bet when u get surprised at a nudist colony they say “well well well looks like someone got caught with their pants up”

submitted 68 days ago • 2 comments

shannon: let the music play me (internal): still holds up shannon: he won’t get away me: oh shit

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments

[loud knocking] “OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!” Me: Prove it. “HOW?” Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

submitted 68 days ago • 36 comments

employers tell you to spend the company’s money as if it were your own and ok well i would not buy microsoft teams

submitted 68 days ago • 58 comments

bird flu, dog barkt, cat perd

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments

a reunion show for your sock drawer

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments