I joke about how much I have to apologize to my kids for when I screw up, but it is deeply important to me that they see their first and most significant experience with authority as somebody both capable of making mistakes and also owning up to them
Thank you for this. I was always chapped when flying out of Bob Hope airport in Burbank and seeing his likeness everywhere. So much of his work was cringey, even as a Gen X person who was encouraged to overlook the bad behavior of our heroes.
I grew up in Branson, MO in the 90's. I have a really weird but vivid memory of seeing him speak at a country show matinee, I think it was around veteran's day? He was in his 90's by then but he was ON. Love and compassion age well I suppose!
I honestly think the vast majority of people are genuinely responsive to an authentic apology & we all have the capacity to set aside a ton. A lot will depend on that turning out to be true in the coming years—for us a nation, for the west as an alliance, indeed for civilization globally.
Bob Hope cared about kids which is why he likely apologized so quickly when it was brought to his attention how that slur would harm young gay kids. He was a major philanthropist and disadvantaged youth was one of his big causes.
I had totally forgotten about this but at the time (I was 14) I remember turning almost 180° on my respect for him, especially because his humor was so outdated to me. Much respect.
Same. I love his older work, but watching him host shows in the 80s and 90s, you could just see he'd ran out of gas 20 years prior. The thing is, Bob knew better. He was around many LGBTQ+ show people in Hollywood. He knew them, went to their homes. He knew they were just regular people.
The tricky part of a good apology is that it requires you to understand and acknowledge that your actions were wrong, which many people would seemingly rather drive a Cybertruck into the ocean than admit to themselves
people need to see more examples of genuine apologies and what follows, to realize that it can be a win-win situation. It never erases the original offense (and shouldn't ever) but it is possible to get to a better place.
When I was around the far-right pipeline whirlpool (not proud of that), one guy I watched was complaining how no matter whether you apologized or not, “they” won’t accept it.
What I didn’t realize was that the “apologies” tended to never actually own up to whatever was said/done in the first place.
Reminds me of Louis CK. After he defended using the F-Slur, he did a great apology-episode of his TV show about a gay man explaining how that felt for him.
I'm still upset about how CK turned out. I knew he wasn't better than what he did but I thought he was a guy who learns from his mistakes.
the punchline of that, as with so many of his “oh look how progressive i am i let a gay/fat/assault victim say how they feel on my show” bits was to reiterate the slur and go “oh well i guess i won’t change”. it wasn’t really an apology.
Also it makes you look like a good, thoughtful person to normal people who haven’t been indoctrinated into believing that never apologizing is strength.
Bob Hope was a fascinating, complicated human, as this post from @erikloomis.bsky.social at @lawgunsmoney.bsky.social describes with fairness and nuance.
It used to be a weird hang up for me when I was younger and I of course would end up lying and being shady because the fear is one of incompetency
For me it comes from perfectionist tendencies like I MUST be right and then you go to therapy and figure out that nobody cares. Just say you fucked up.
Seriously, it's like saying "oh, I was wrong". It turns out to be really easy to be wrong about things!!! And like....not much bad happens when you are, ESPECIALLY, if you own up to it immediately and take action to be not wrong. People think that's very cool, it turns out.
From interacting with close relatives terrified of cancellation, it seems to stem from a combination of their not really understanding the changes culture is going through (even if they agree with the changes) and being worried they don’t read reactions well and thinking this puts them at risk.
Sure, but I think there's also worth in "I'm sorry AND here is how I am trying to make things better going forward" which is what some bad people struggle with. The fact that Hope apologized AND made them a PSA at his own expense takes more work and puts more net good in the world
I’m British so I apologise for absolutely everything. For example, if someone pushes in front of me in a queue. I’ve been told off by non-British people for doing it. Apologising is extremely easy for things which actually matter so long as you actually believe it’s the right thing to do.
#gringajane said I'm old enough to remember that. I think it somehow boiled over into Anita's promoting orange juice. I specifically remember orange juice in there somewhere.
It helps if you can let go of the idea that you can never be wrong. I always say it's the one advantage of having virtually no self esteem - I have no ego to double down defending
I apologized for a mistake at work and the way a colleague reacted you would think it was the first time anyone had taken responsibility for their actions.
i use this strategy all the time. it doesn't get you to be the boss but i'd rather take credit for failure and share credit for success than sociopathically blame everything on my coworkers who i like
There is a bio about Bob Hope called “Hope” that is very well written. I didn’t think much of Hope having known him most by The Tonight Show and silly specials, but I came away with great respect. Quite the life. Highly recommend the book.
Some people never learned to apologize because they think it will make them look weak but it, often times, is the quickest way to deescalate a situation. It doesn’t mean you are weak.
Well of course he needs to wear it for the rest of his life. It's more along the lines of, "his victim has forgiven him, so out of respect for her I won't be as massive of a dick to him about it as I ought to be."
see this is how effective apologies are. you can be buddy-buddy with richard nixon for decades but if you just say "im sorry" enough people will go ah what the hell he's alright in my book 99% of the time
I feel like we don’t talk about how American celebrity was really in a better place when the entertainment world was centered around Los Angeles before it got dragged back to New York in the late 90s.
It changed with the rise of Howard, stand-up, and cable news. Not only did it claw back what LA had, Clinton decimating local media gave it more power. We’ve never been more NY centric.
It feels like this tact demands a minimal amount of empathy and modern public figures have that beaten out of them -- if it ever existed in them in the first place.
The popular alternative is to get your back up, believe you're personally being oppressed by a small group of people, join the Prude Boys & get a swastika tattooed on your chest.
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It's been a tough morning and 2 1/2 months.
After my apology, she asked me to join in on a bunch of future negotiations my union had against her, and we developed real mutual trust.
people need to see more examples of genuine apologies and what follows, to realize that it can be a win-win situation. It never erases the original offense (and shouldn't ever) but it is possible to get to a better place.
What I didn’t realize was that the “apologies” tended to never actually own up to whatever was said/done in the first place.
“Oh, I’m sorry YOU felt that way” or “Oh, sorry about this, this, this and that… Oh, that really big issue- Oh, my, look at the time!”.
I'm still upset about how CK turned out. I knew he wasn't better than what he did but I thought he was a guy who learns from his mistakes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDO34rXZJg4
For me it comes from perfectionist tendencies like I MUST be right and then you go to therapy and figure out that nobody cares. Just say you fucked up.
Want to throw your enemies off-balance? Leave them seething? Apologize sincerely when you're wrong.
Senator Byrd sums it up in this article. do it, and then keep doing it.
https://www.spokesman.com/stories/2015/jan/17/byrd-apologized/?amp-content=amp
https://youtu.be/pDO34rXZJg4?si=aNd98I0Ow9K8BPlF
10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope etc. Now we have no cash, no hope blah blah blah