Aye girl, are you looking for a gentleman, cuz I’m the most gentle man, so gentle I’ll never physically embrace you, in fact I won’t even acknowledge you exist
A man calls 911.
"Help!" he cries, "My friend and I were hunting and I accidentally shot him and I think he's dead!"
"Okay, calm down sir," said the operator. "Can you confirm that your friend is dead?"
"Yeah, one sec" replied the man. Then a gunshot, followed by the man asking "Okay, what next?"
A hitman was hired to kill a cow in a rice paddy with 2 small porcelain figurines. It was the first case of a knick knack paddy whack.
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I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong, and being wrong is for women.
I was on my uncle's boat in Florida and kept trying to convince my aunt to go swimming. "No!" she said "I told you I'm on my period!" she's no fun shark fishing.
A bear walks into a bar
The bartender asks, “What would you like?”
The bear replies “I’d like some rum…
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… and a coke.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Had em all my life”
A man walks into a bar and orders a Grasshopper. As he walks home, he sees a grasshopper on the ground. He says, "You know there's a drink named after you?" The grasshopper said, "There's a drink named Earl?"
Comments
A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."
Up his sleevies
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you."
She said yes, the others were 7's and 8's.
My foot.
Don’t call me
Sometimes, they come up short
They’re Endor pets 😅
I said Maybeee.. 😅
To get to the other side.
They ordered a sausage pizza but all they got was plane.
You might think it's RRRRRR but his first love will always be the C
At first I was afraid...
"Help!" he cries, "My friend and I were hunting and I accidentally shot him and I think he's dead!"
"Okay, calm down sir," said the operator. "Can you confirm that your friend is dead?"
"Yeah, one sec" replied the man. Then a gunshot, followed by the man asking "Okay, what next?"
Aware wolf.
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I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong, and being wrong is for women.
I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.
Make me one with everything!
🤏🤏🤏
The bartender asks, “What would you like?”
The bear replies “I’d like some rum…
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… and a coke.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Had em all my life”
It has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
The men were worried they'd have small parts!
It becomes apparent.
Mourning Wood
T’aint funny.
-Don't you just love autocorrect.
Because I ducking hate it...
-Why did the rooster get arrested at the grocery store?
Because he grabbed a pair of chicken breasts.
Son turns around and says, “Dad? I’m over here!”
They're both meat substitutes.
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What do giants and strippers have in common?
They both grind men's bones to make their bread.
"I'm so stuffed I can't swallow another mouthful." 🤣😂
One less drunk at the funeral