So…honest question: how unrecommended is it for me to buy my patient a book for the holidays? (Fiction, we talk about books a lot). She’s had a rough year. #medsky
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Wild, but here's AI: While not strictly "taboo," giving books in Chinese culture can be considered slightly inauspicious b/c of pronunciation where "book" (书/書, shū) sounds like "to lose" (输/輸, shū), so gifting a book could be interpreted as inadvertently wishing someone "loss" in certain contexts.
The homophone of book in Cantonese sounds like "lose" (as in losing s game). I was told not to give clocks as gifts either (it sounds like the word "end")
I gift books to people (not patients) all the time anyway. 😉
My family is very old school traditional Chinese in some ways, in keeping with a lot of old world customs.
My mother in particular, was very superstitious, so I grew up learning and practicing a lot of things that many are not familiar with. Particularly in the diaspora community.
As a patient I would appreciate a gesture like that.
If you're worried about borders and stuff like that, what about finding another physician or nurse who spent a lot of time with her and both of you give it to her?
If you looked at it through comfort theory, you were aiming to help this patient rise above with a gesture that showed you understood this person as a person or are seeking to. Its holistic. Also its a book.
I’m confused by these responses. What’s the big deal? I was talking books w a kid & I gave him one he hadn’t read but expressed interest in. I didn’t make a big deal over it. It’s kind, and it’s just a book. You’re allowed to be a human.
Unfortunately unrecommended unless ‘found within the hospital/clinic library thought I’d bring it up for you’ etc etc ie not a gift 🫣. Very thoughtful though
My (longtime) dentist gave me a bottle of wine after my last appointment. I think if it's something you talk about regularly and you frame it as "no big deal, it's just my loaner copy - keep it! Or pass it on!" they will probably think it's thoughtful
I used to line my shelves with used books and let people take them. I've also had patients leave books there to pay it forward. I just had to check to make sure no weird cryptic notes were inserted.
Vice versa, I have given my GP a book I had read to read that she had expressed an interest in. I don't think I would be happy as a patient if she suddenly gave me a 'present'. She gives me care over and above anything I have ever expected and that is enough.
My therapist bought me a lavender cosmetics care package cos I love anything lavender flavoured. That was the most heard I’ve felt in my life. She saved me.
Honest answer - I’m not sure what the implications or consequences might be... but we are human too and think patients would appreciate a very kind gesture with no expectation of reciprocation.
But whether or not we expect a reciprocation, it can be uncomfortable for patients to feel they owe us a reciprocation. Just saying. It can come from them, and their values, and not from our own expectations, and still be there sitting on the table between us. Which I think is not good.
I used to work in healthcare. I stopped myself from gestures like this. I regret it. Kindness and connection do not impede our professionalism. I think it makes it better. IMO.
My wife and I run a non profit that provides stuffed animal monkeys to children experiencing trauma. I can tell you first hand that receiving a gift in the midst of something traumatic can be life changing. Go for it!
There is no easy answer here, since it depends in the context and the culture in your country; I would not do it over here (NL), mainly since the patient might think it necessary to reciprocate this
I would do it. I’ve occasionally done things like this, and even though it’s not necessarily *recommended* I think the benefits outweigh the risks. I think patients generally feel happy to be thought of
It blurs lines. Your heart is in the right place but it can get complicated. Will she feel the need to buy you something in return?
Will she mention it to others.
From a psych perspective, you're asking her to collude with you around/against her other doctors or other pts of yours she may know. It's unfair to her
Either buy the book & tell her clearly why you are gifting it to her with zero conditions
Holidays were always fraught with what to do. Patients would bring us food. Many had Hepatitis so it went in trash. Gifts were given and others feeling hurt. Bonuses given but not to all. Families that needed assistance but we couldn't help them all.
Maybe you could send it anonymously somehow? Sometimes it can be even better to get a gift of kindness and not know who it's from. But it's not as fun as the gift giver. I agree though, it does blur a line.
The issue for me: above, in: “will she feel she should buy a gift in return?”
If the impulse truly is only for her to be gifted the book, can you do it anonymously? Our pts need to not “owe” (even in their personal tally) us a thing
It's ok -- really no problem -- caring about people you're trying to help/heal is nice. Don't sweat it too much just don't make urselves broke tryna please everybody
I think a book is ok - we hand out books in peds and encourage a lot of reading to babies in the NICU. Maybe if you buy this book though create a free library where people can donate to hand out more books to others too.
Maybe a “hey someone gifted this to me but I already have a copy, would you like it?” kind of thing. It’s one of the “useful” white lies that help with protecting yourself and others. 🤷♂️
I work in a chronic unit that sees patients several times a week. Everyone has created unavoidable connections with anyone - patients to other patients or patients and nurses, etc. Like I said, it’s unavoidable because we’re social and human beings. You can be human and make her happy.
As long as you feel comfortable in moderating the boundary between you and the patient. Sometimes those boundaries are malleable. You’re the best judge.
A book is totally fine. I probably wouldn't wrap it, so it's less of a "thing", but our jobs shouldn't stop us from being nice people who do nice things.
Such a thoughtful idea & question. I feel sad that this kind of humanity & kindness has 2 b feared or questioned. I understand, but it makes me sad. My 2 cents: You can give it to her & say that if she’s uncomfortable with a gift then she can take it as a loan. It’s ok to have care in health care. 😊
It’s borderline, but I have occasionally had colleagues buy longtime patients a present. But also I’m in pediatrics so different dynamic. But I think with that sort of long term relationship it might be okay
I’m torn about this. I lent “Leg” to a lovely hospital inpatient I met as a med student over 25 years ago. She’d been diagnosed with MND and had one weak leg so it was relevant to her situation. She posted it back to me with a really thoughtful letter after reading it. My only regret: I misplaced 1/
the letter. I wish I could reread it and I also wish I knew what happened to her after that. (I still have the book). Part of our job is to also help patients adapt & cope with a disease, and for some, books like this can be really useful. 2/2
As a chronically ill patient, if my doctor bought something for me because it made her think of me it would make me appreciate her so much more than I already do.
I understand it can be borderline at passing boundaries, but as a patient, I would love it. I hated being stuck in the hospital. That would be a kind gift.
Given you're a Pulmonary Doctor and not a shrink of any kind, I don't see any ethical issues in giving your patient a book. Gods alone know how much they are paying you anyways due to your practice being in the US, so a book seems like a totally harmless gesture for you to give them.
I was reading this thread thinking you were a fellow psychiatrist… but you’re not. Maybe give her the book at the next appointment but not wrapped and not specifically for the holidays? I associated both of those things with obligations for reciprocity, and you don’t want that.
as a patient; honestly i'd love that a lot! obviously i don't know how your patient is but i say go for it as long as you're sure they'd enjoy the gift
Depends. Is this book about her health? Some shared experience? If you've thought about it a lot then I say go for it. Sometimes patients give us the most meaningful stories/interactions. Best part of being a doctor imo
Maybe a different time/wording? Like give it some time in the new year along the "hey, I ended up with a copy of 'x', would you like it?". Allows you to still give her the book while also keeping a boundary.
I am confused
We collect clothes shoes coats underwear diapers formula etc for patients and hand them out freely
They are all items not money and I feel a book is an item not cash and is harmless and shows the type of doctor that is nurses love to work with
Go with your gut to give the book 📕
Certainly not one of the endless biographies about Trump. Get a book with a positive message of hope. It could only be a book with glorious photos and thought provoking quotes.
I think it’s incredibly thoughtful. I always struggled with what is ethical, kind, not a good idea in my PT practice. Will it change your relationship with her? Will she misinterpret the gesture? Is it a gift with no strings attached?
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(Gifting books is taboo in Chinese culture.)
At the same time,coming from a patient perspective and in consideration of what you do, I think this gesture of kindness would be greatly appreciated.
I gift books to people (not patients) all the time anyway. 😉
My family is very old school traditional Chinese in some ways, in keeping with a lot of old world customs.
My mother in particular, was very superstitious, so I grew up learning and practicing a lot of things that many are not familiar with. Particularly in the diaspora community.
If you're worried about borders and stuff like that, what about finding another physician or nurse who spent a lot of time with her and both of you give it to her?
A book is not uncommon, either!
You're both humans, a doctor who cares about their patients past the table is wonderful & I hope this doesn't dim your shine!
Book gifting is tricky because we never know if they'll actually like it or not. I get nervous even when I am gifting a friend or a family a book.
Will she mention it to others.
From a psych perspective, you're asking her to collude with you around/against her other doctors or other pts of yours she may know. It's unfair to her
Either buy the book & tell her clearly why you are gifting it to her with zero conditions
or
simply recommend the book to her.
Lovely thought, but do you have to buy it? What about setting up a book swap in your waiting room. Start her off with that one. Many pts can read it!
If the impulse truly is only for her to be gifted the book, can you do it anonymously? Our pts need to not “owe” (even in their personal tally) us a thing
We collect clothes shoes coats underwear diapers formula etc for patients and hand them out freely
They are all items not money and I feel a book is an item not cash and is harmless and shows the type of doctor that is nurses love to work with
Go with your gut to give the book 📕
If you can time it so it's not an obvious holiday gift (requiring reciprocity), even better.
For ex, I'd wrap it in kraft brown paper