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dadback.bsky.social
It's just jokes
685 posts 300 followers 400 following
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Posts 45 Comments 5

new goal set

submitted 3 hours ago • 3 comments

hello and welcome to poundtown, I am the mayor due to gerrymandering

submitted 1 day ago • 7 comments

me: good morning Killbot killbot: good morning sir, shall i kill you this morning sir or prepare a smoothie me: smoothie please killbot: excellent choice sir i shall try again tomorrow

submitted 1 day ago • 122 comments

i get that my dog has to shed but why is he so good at it

submitted 1 day ago • 9 comments

I'm 0 for 7 with getting anyone to appreciate my "let's make this urinal an ourinal" joke

submitted 1 day ago • 35 comments

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

submitted 53 days ago • 49 comments

damn jonathan taylor thomas save some first names for the rest of us

submitted 2 days ago • 6 comments

Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet? Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we have a few years

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

No, officer, I don't have car insurance. That's like betting on yourself to fail, and gambling is illegal.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them. Next day F *screams* I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes

submitted 42 days ago • 8 comments

Me: *trying to sleep Brain: If Matthew McConaughey starred in a 70s detective show, it would probably be called "McConaughan". Me: Stop Brain: *imagines opening montage* He'd definitely slide across the hood of a car. Me: Yeah. He would.

submitted 34 days ago • 6 comments

Me: I'm so tired. Can't wait to go to sleep. Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here's a random shooting pain in your hand. Me: No. Brain: Here's that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep! Me: Myclonic jerk! Stop! Body: Name calling, eh?! Here's an Itchy back!

submitted 259 days ago • 6 comments

-So, you actually like me? No kidding? (Me, flirting)

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

I agree crackly knees, I SHOULD stay on the couch

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

When I say "I got that dog in me" it means I just ate a corn dog

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

When someone says "no worries" You can bet your sweet bippi there are many many worries

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

Darth Vader storming through the Death Star turning off lights mumbling about we ain't lighting the universe

submitted 2 days ago • 52 comments

[museum] Her: So who are your favorite artists Me: uh...I like Michelangelo Her: Oh, me too Me: and Donatello is pretty good Her: Me: Raphael Her: Me: [sweating] also casey jones

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

If it's called a sleeve of crackers, I just ate a sweater.

submitted 3 days ago • 7 comments

You want All Ye Faithful to do what?!?

submitted 3 days ago • 11 comments

Tomorrow is a new day (threatening)

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

me: i didn't get the job wife: why not? me: something about my eyesight wife: what EXACTLY did they say? me: that i needed “adult supervision”

submitted 3 days ago • 6 comments

Mrs. Doubtfire, or Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dad

submitted 542 days ago • 1 comment

Just Admit You're Wrong

submitted 3 days ago • 6 comments

Parenting is tough. Letting your kids fail isn't easy, but it provides them with opportunities to grow. As tempting as it is to intervene, hardships can prove to be a gift, but you've got to make those calls. For example, my son just picked up a glue stick he thinks is chapstick.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

From the makers of "Snakes on a Plane" comes a new aviation thriller for our times: "On a Plane"

submitted 3 days ago • 20 comments

The plastic surgeon uses a sharpie to mark everything on my body that he would want to fix. By the time he is finished, my body is an inky black void. I am one with the shadows.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

Pronouncing ripples like knee-pulls

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

[threatening a baby] here comes the airplane

submitted 3 days ago • 136 comments

look, if you don’t trust the geniuses behind businesses that go bankrupt, rockets that explode, and cars that kill people, who can you trust

submitted 4 days ago • 8 comments

You’ve angered me. You’ve angered me and now I have to put on my frog costume about it

submitted 3 days ago • 7 comments

God slowly turning a dial that says "Chance of asteroid hitting Earth" to 101% because there's no more good shows on hbo max.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Me: I keep hearing voices, and I'd like to make them stop Doctor: You mean of people who aren't there? Me: No, just in general

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Every day is an exciting new challenge to enjoy things and act somewhat normal despite The Occurrences

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

me: the ball’s in your court. judge who hates fancy parties: well that’s unacceptable.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

big ups mad respect for dogs one of the only animals that will run full speed while looking in a direction other than the one in which they're traveling

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

[commercial for rakes] are you tired of eating leaves?

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

George: are you reading the news lately? planes are falling out of the sky Jerry: falling out of the sky? George: RIGHT OUTTA THE SKY! Jerry: but I'm supposed to fly to Florida to visit my parents! [Kramer bursts in] Kramer: hey Jerry, got any eggs?

submitted 4 days ago • 11 comments

Mayor: You finish that statue of Lincoln for the federal courthouse? Sculptor: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked. Mayor: what

submitted 5 days ago • 44 comments

[ghostly heartbeat from under the floorboards] landlord: the last tenant put a rug over that to muffle the sound. anyway it mainly happens at night, so if you keep out of this room after dark you'll barely notice it.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

He triple dared me,and then did that thing with his hands, like he was making a bow over his head, Your Honor

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

[anxiously looking at doomsday clock] maybe they’ll launch the Switch 2 early

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

When I confidently answer ‘yes’ to a poll asking if I think I could land a passenger plane in an emergency situation this is what I imagine it looks like

submitted 4 days ago • 20 comments