Profile avatar
whatsagreenhorn.bsky.social
Yes, the one from Twitter
73 posts 1,047 followers 191 following
Prolific Poster
Conversation Starter
Posts 32 Comments 17

Today I introduced my favorite coworker to the version of Jack & Diane where the guy mostly just sings "suckin on chili dog" on repeat and dear reader she was much less happy about it than I expected her to be

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Textbooks would later describe her as a giant of a woman, scraping the ceiling of the cabin at 5'4"

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

Imagine volunteering for the civil war and you show up to get your rifle and they hand you a snare drum lmao

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

My Sprite can told me to obey my thirst so I put it in the toaster oven with a note that said NO GODS NO MASTERS

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

@ygrene.bsky.social hello Donny

submitted 17 days ago • 1 comment

Citric the Entertainer lmao

submitted 29 days ago • 1 comment

Hard to believe in only 3 short years people are going to say you so 2000 and 20-late

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

groundhog: six more weeks of winter shorts all year guy: i am unphased by this news

submitted 30 days ago • 6 comments

[cookie monster quietly to himself just before going on camera] it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job [camera rolls] (deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE

submitted 31 days ago • 13 comments

I hate Sixpence None the Richer. What the fuck is milky twilight? None of this is sexy.

submitted 57 days ago • 0 comments

Lumberjack pain reliever call that a flannelgesic

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

genie: what are your three wishes me: make me a waffle [suddenly I am a waffle] me: no, like a waffle to eat [in a flash waffle me is on a plate] me: no! for me to eat [a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

submitted 88 days ago • 10 comments

Me: this could have been an email lmao Funeral director: probably not

submitted 85 days ago • 0 comments

Ending the year on a strong note by calling my Gen Z coworker Skibbidi Payroll. She hates it but it's the life she chose.

submitted 92 days ago • 0 comments

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

submitted 95 days ago • 1 comment

Gen Z dermatologists be like "skin issue"

submitted 100 days ago • 0 comments

People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

submitted 101 days ago • 6 comments

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: because of something my boss said Interviewer: it says here you were fired Me: that's the thing he said

submitted 102 days ago • 5 comments

Jon Bovi: Bad medicine is what I need RFK Jr.: *cums*

submitted 103 days ago • 0 comments

Walking through the rain from my car to my office, I thought about people who say things like "it's literally disgusting outside," and how they walk freely among us.

submitted 106 days ago • 0 comments

Football coach on acid throwing the red flag before the game: CHALLENGE YOUR MIND, MAAAAAAAAN

submitted 106 days ago • 0 comments

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

submitted 131 days ago • 95 comments

400 B.C. post: How are your crops not growing bro just make a sacrifice at the temple of Demeter 😂 Reply: Some of us lost our livestock during the Peloponnesian War but go off?

submitted 107 days ago • 20 comments

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

submitted 566 days ago • 1 comment

mike tyson is too old. he should have stepped aside months ago and let kamala take over

submitted 108 days ago • 25 comments

me: *pops collar on jean jacket* my haters: *absolutely seething*

submitted 108 days ago • 8 comments

[listening to another veterinarian because I didn't agree with the first one] it's definitely because you feed it pepsi

submitted 108 days ago • 2 comments

[confessional] me: sometimes i call mustard racist ketchup but i don’t know why priest: i'm going to tell god to kill you

submitted 108 days ago • 5 comments

[opening Pop-Tarts, i find ninja stars] me: what the hell? [Pop-Tart sails by me & lodges into cabinet] ninja behind me: what the hell?!

submitted 107 days ago • 4 comments

them: hey you can’t just go around saying stuff like that me: stoof them: NO

submitted 107 days ago • 5 comments

mugger: How much you got? me: *looks in my purse and sees two Snickers bars* One Snickers bar.

submitted 108 days ago • 50 comments

bro everyone is kinda pissed about how much you took from the horn of plenty

submitted 107 days ago • 26 comments