We can’t succeed in a world where buying a tee-shirt is an ethical decision involving child labour from across the globe. “Failing” and enjoying what we do while it last is good actually™️. I’d even go so far as to say that enjoying your life is a small revolution in itself, no matter the ups & downs
This is also why capitalism is so closely linked to denial of death (both billionaires freezing their heads and injecting themselves with teenage blood and, more broadly, our culture's lack of a way to face and/or discuss death other than by pretending it isn't happening).
@kyleshevlin.com w/r/t what we were talking about yesterday, see above. Re-contextualizing “going through a phase” might could be useful in a wide range of circumstances.
None of those except one are a promise of "until death do you part". Failed marriages are a real thing. Moving on from a business or hobby is not the same. Not even ending friendships are the same.
When you say your vows and they include certain phrases, you are making a choice to adhere to those. You understand the seriousness of those words and you commit in the depths of your heart that you will follow through.
If your philosophy precludes that kind of dedication, then dont say them.
Sure, one could argue a marriage license is a written contract. Sort of? But for a sixteen year old to say some words and then be bound for life is, uh, not great. So yeah. One of those things is different. The one that doesn’t come with many protections and is built upon insane ancient traditions.
So anyway... looking at marriages as failing if they don’t last forever is, well, nah. The OP is a much healthier way to view a conclusion. It’s an end. Not necessarily a failure. Moving on.
3% of species are monogamous; Humans are not one of those. People are hella complex & I feel that people just don’t always evolve similarly & sometimes continued growth requires separation. 🤷♀️
You missed the entire point. The species, human species, probably shouldn’t have ever invented marriage as we’re not wired for it. It’s a religious construct. Our social hierarchies prefer this arrangement for raising children. Ask women how that’s worked out? Love clouds the brain. It’s all complex
Don’t agree w/ the monogamy bit. But the rest? Yup. This person commented to me that marriage was nuts “by design” when I said it’s crazy that a verbal agreement is binding for life. Because they thought love made that ok somehow? Uh, no? The design was to subjugate women and produce heirs. The end.
Ah, so you were not done with the conversation. Yes, in realist/human terms marriage was/is for property and heirs-has nothing to do with love at all. Legally we have tried to make "Civil Unions" an equal to marriage, but most people still want that social/religious connotation of lifetime devotion.
Yea people can choose to be monogamous. That’s the thing, it’s a choice. Or should be. People get crazy with love, ownership, control, religion, etc etc. If two people are the best they can be for each other & they both agree the other is “the one” that’s spectacular. I should always be a choice
My marriage vows didn't include that. We promised to be together as long as we were good to and for each other, and as long as we were each other's easy place in a hard world. Our time together will not be meaningless or less important if it someday ends.
Those *are* great vows! Marriage is (or at least should be) conditional. If it’s not working, it’s okay to absolve it. And don’t get me started on a verbal agreement being binding *for life*. In what other context would we accept that?!
Not to mention the ease of marriage versus the difficulty of divorce. Those should be equal. Harder to marry or easier to divorce. I understand the initial protective intent of the laws. And financial protections, etc, are reasonable. But to have it take ages, cost so much, etc, is insane.
Anyway, I love the idea presented here of a safe place. It’s just lovely. Marriage should be a soft spot to land. A joint venture to accomplish common goals. If those things change, and they might, it’s okay to move on. Not just okay, but the best thing for all.
"Ran its course" is a legitimate way for any number of things to conclude, be it a business, television show, series of books, or relationship. People change and/or outgrow aspects of their lives, stories have conclusions. The best success is being able to recognize the right time.
I mean, I agree in theory. But in practice, all this stuff means assuming debt.
* Start a coffee shop
* Pursue a career in a profession
* Buy into a neighborhood
It all just feels so expensive to flit from thing to thing. And every day closer to old age, when things get even more expensive.
I stopped to read this and got so sidetracked looking for info on the author and reposting on other social media platforms! Thanks for sharing it. It was an adventure.
Absolutely! I've said some of those very words myself, then began to doubt that I even knew what I was talking about – because "society" kept telling me I was a failure for letting it go. Everything in its own time...
My friend has a fun saying: "All good things must come to an end. If it doesn't end, then it was never good."
We usually use it in the context of never-ending film and videogame IP. We often wish things like star wars and marvel would just go away so that new ideas can rise and take their place.
Thank you - that’s a very gentle and good insight. Knowing when to close a door and move on is a great life skill - and shouldn’t change the value of what went before.
we could use "retired" more often - like I sometimes say I'm a retired yoga teacher and I know a retired jewelry maker, folks could retire from married life - that validates the lived experience
If anything this should take some pressure off teens about to enter college who think they *need* to find their "true" calling at 17-18. When chances are you'll have several callings and interests through stages of life, not just the one they think.
Author John Scalzi has written about how - paraphrasing - aspiring writers should just *write* and not bother trying to write Best-Selling Works of Genius That Become Classics.
He fully expects his work to become obscure or entirely unknown well before the century is over. And he's fine with that.
I think this correlates with the American mythos of perpetual expansion. The expectation that everything will get bigger, better, more valuable, additional features, newer colors, higher salary, bigger office, etc
Its also colonizing Christian stuff. They believe that life doesn't end after death and so forever *is* a thing and you *are* trying to reach a perfect state in that forever place.
I feel the same way about musical one-hit wonders. How many of us will ever get to write and/or perform even just one great song that is a hit. It's so strange that we degrade acts that "only" do that.
You know what, this has another consequence. Whenever we do something we feel that it has to turn into a routine or a project instead of just doing the thing as and when it makes us happy and inspired. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be: don’t assign yourself PROJECTS. Just act.
Given that the potential end conditions for everything are either "stop" or "death"...we really do need to get more comfortable with the transience of nice things.
Thank you for posting this, because it resonated with me. If you ever want to search for something, it's not that hard. I typed in >>brightwanderer "forever"<< into google and it was the first hit. I even re-screencapped it because yours was a little blurry.
I am currently in my 3rd major near decadal career as an adult. Military, cable repair, then construction in my mid-30's.
Even now, I just made a major change a few weeks ago by quitting my job for a sizable raise at a different shop.
Now I'm in my 40's, but none of those were "failures". Rather, they were stepping stones. Each career gave me the chance to grow. To learn something about myself and become (hopefully) a better person.
I found it on my discover feed, if you want to know why I'm here.
And I don't think this is new, it's just that we remember the people who dabbled or were even successful in multiple things in the past with a full view of who they were after the fact. As they were alive, they surely dealt with it
When my ex husband and I were in couples therapy, one of the things that they told us changed everything for us both. He asked if we regretted marrying each other and when we both said no because we wouldn't have our kids he said "well maybe the marriage has fulfilled it's purpose".
A feel tangentially related is the belief that steadiness and stability is also frowned upon. A business that pulls a steady profit for years needs to expand and grow beyond its means to be successful. Staying in a job you enjoy and love is sacrificing a career and you should advance until burnout.
There was an arcade I went to in high school with my friends that is no longer there but I made some of the best memories I have as a teenager there, to me that place was successful
There are people out there who think I'm not a successful artist because I haven't sold all my artworks and don't have a lot of money.
They're wrong. I'm very successful because I've made a lot of great artworks. I just have to learn the selling skills to make money off them. #art #artbusiness
OH YES. We're so bad at this, as a culture, but there is real power in being able to end a good thing when it's over. I have worked on building the skill of recognizing when a thing is done, and then saying thank you & letting go. It's wonderful!
Interesting bit of neuroscience is we seem to have two selves, the experiencing self and the remembering self, with the latter being to blame here because the remembering self places emphasis on the highlights and lowlights of an experience, plus how it ended.
So a part of your life could be beautiful and meaningful, and some of those moments do stick around in memory to remembering-self's credit, but it also puts a bow on the experience based on how it ended that slants the entire experience in your mind.
shortly after my last relationship ended i saw a comment someone made where they were discussing this sort of thing to their therapist, and their therapist said "Don't think of your relationship as failed. Think of it as complete."
Comments
(Questionable Content by Jeph Jaques reference added for fun, taken from here: https://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3624)
Everything has its season and some seasons last longer than others, that's all
I don't regret anything.
Well, except that stint as an intern at a wedding magazine. The wedding industry is effing insane)
If your philosophy precludes that kind of dedication, then dont say them.
It's really OK to have things end. Sometimes it means other things (sometimes better things) begin.
* Start a coffee shop
* Pursue a career in a profession
* Buy into a neighborhood
It all just feels so expensive to flit from thing to thing. And every day closer to old age, when things get even more expensive.
We usually use it in the context of never-ending film and videogame IP. We often wish things like star wars and marvel would just go away so that new ideas can rise and take their place.
He fully expects his work to become obscure or entirely unknown well before the century is over. And he's fine with that.
don't come at me I really don't care to argue this point you're just missing the whole point of the story
Even now, I just made a major change a few weeks ago by quitting my job for a sizable raise at a different shop.
it started at
“stopping = failure”
it went past
“Having a year that isn’t your best year yet = failure”
it got worse
“always be zooming, don’t worry about the year you crash, sucks to be a sucker haha”
and so …
And I don't think this is new, it's just that we remember the people who dabbled or were even successful in multiple things in the past with a full view of who they were after the fact. As they were alive, they surely dealt with it
They're wrong. I'm very successful because I've made a lot of great artworks. I just have to learn the selling skills to make money off them. #art #artbusiness
If you run your coffee shop for a while and don't then get a second coffee shop you've failed to expand!
(src: https://metalinjection.net/news/is-linkin-park-coming-back-with-a-new-singer)
I think about that quote I read often nowadays and gets more comforting over time.