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dlafield.bsky.social
5 posts 20 followers 15 following
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Posts 40 Comments 4

submitted 33 days ago • 56 comments

Someone has winked my hood and boozled my bam, and I'm just hoping it's better by morn'

submitted 35 days ago • 2 comments

Shakespeare's brother: Why art thou hitting thyself?

submitted 42 days ago • 5 comments

Me: I can never remember the Prince's love interest in Hamlet. Wife: Ophelia Me: You too eh? Her: Get out

submitted 50 days ago • 3 comments

WIFE: So what did you do today? ME: I wrote a song about the medieval Kings of England. Called 'It's Reigning Men'. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.

submitted 76 days ago • 9 comments

Me: *stands on one leg* My flamenco teacher: No.

submitted 88 days ago • 49 comments

Me, flirting: hey boi, you know why they call my shorts the Bermuda Triangle? Him: because it’s one of the most heaviest traveled shipping lane in the world? Me: no Him: a large number of planes & ships mysteriously disappeared in them? Me: ok, this isn’t sexy anymore

submitted 90 days ago • 2 comments

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol MICHELANGELO: what

submitted 90 days ago • 1 comment

My mother loves nothing more than to send me an accidental selfie of a close-up of her chin and nostrils with the message "LANDED IN SPAIN. THIS IS THE VIEW FROM THE HOTEL"

submitted 103 days ago • 6 comments

GOD: time to decide which things should cause allergies CHUBBY QUIET ANGEL: well I was thinking people should be allergic to bad things like unkindness and lying and fluorescent lighting and… GOD: flowers and kitty cats and peanut butter ANGEL: oh okay

submitted 92 days ago • 18 comments

This aged badly

submitted 92 days ago • 594 comments

submitted 106 days ago • 745 comments

Our koala husbandry program is now discontinued as the koalas just want to play video games and hang with their buds.

submitted 114 days ago • 5 comments

submitted 115 days ago • 651 comments

detective (sighing): this is the hardest part of the job woman (opening door): hello officer what is this about? detective: ma'am there's no easy way to say this... your husband's bingle got bongled woman: i'm sorry, what? detective (annoyed): his whole shit got sproinked

submitted 123 days ago • 3 comments

Darth Vader: [raises his hand to force choke me] Me: [extend mine to his to make a hand heart] Darth Vader: [force chokes me so hard my head pops off]

submitted 121 days ago • 3 comments

*gets bitten by radioactive bear *gains ability to— *gets mauled to death by radioactive bear

submitted 121 days ago • 2 comments

“Dont be afraid to cut people off.”-Lorena Bobbitt

submitted 121 days ago • 0 comments

Today's assignment: Reply to anyone who uses "your" in a post with "*you're" even if they used "your" correctly.

submitted 126 days ago • 2 comments

from “Parable of the Talents” by Octavia Butler

submitted 130 days ago • 375 comments

submitted 129 days ago • 219 comments

[First day working in an optometrists] Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that. Optometrist: Can I see you in my office? Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

submitted 131 days ago • 3 comments

yup

submitted 133 days ago • 349 comments

It never fails: whenever I'm at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I'm CSI.

submitted 134 days ago • 5 comments

Love it.😄🤣😄

submitted 133 days ago • 653 comments

submitted 146 days ago • 66 comments

:))

submitted 147 days ago • 519 comments

I've seen this posted a lot and it just really hits home when you realize that history is truly repeating itself. 😱

submitted 148 days ago • 157 comments

BOSS: you better have a plausible reason for being late ME: applauseable? BOSS: yes ME [clapping]: there was traffic

submitted 153 days ago • 3 comments

submitted 156 days ago • 1750 comments

submitted 164 days ago • 0 comments

Royalty on Hand - Gator Days

submitted 168 days ago • 18 comments

the right is just a bunch of bullies, they get away w/ their shit because they think everyone else is a pussy and count on nobody doing anything about it, which has been the case and why they have taken over. bullies are pussies, if you stand up to a bully, punch em in the face they shit their pants

submitted 169 days ago • 50 comments

Just sayin…

submitted 169 days ago • 295 comments

What specifically is Donold distracting everyone from by calling for war on Canada and Greenland

submitted 169 days ago • 2649 comments

#Caturday

submitted 172 days ago • 246 comments

This remains, and I say this advisedly, one of the best exchanges I have ever seen on social media

submitted 180 days ago • 1151 comments

Hasn’t he ever seen the Godfather? You’re supposed to leave the gun and take the food with you. Not the other way around.

submitted 198 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 210 days ago • 44 comments

submitted 211 days ago • 273 comments