quicksilvre.bsky.social
64 posts
45 followers
89 following
Getting Started
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I love your characters! They feel very Dungeon Meshi, but softer and warmer, if that makes any sense?
(If it doesn't... Sorry😅)
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Thank you, and good night 💜
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🎵And it seems such a waste of time
If that's what it's all about
Buddy, if that's loggin' in,
Then I'm loggin' out🎶
*saxophone solo*
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For tonight, I'm stayed out of The Scroll.
Which, having said that, I but now finally remember why I opened butterfly app in the first place 😅
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Does this mean I'm leaving? No. Does this mean I'm going to be around more after all? Maybe. I'm tired of being lonely, & it's not like the butterfly app is the only place I get sucked into The Scroll. At least this way I sometimes get to talk about what I feel about the flotsam that knocked me over
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It's hard not to fall into The Scroll when I open this app. Even if I told myself I could do "mentions only mode" I know that sooner or later I will open Pandora's box
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If they want to break me they will have to come and do it themselves. I am not going to let The Scroll pull me into the depths and drown me before my time
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But it's still a fragile habit and The Scroll has a tendency to break me. This is a bad time to be broken. The people that benefit from my being broken are the same people doing the awful things that make The Scroll so deep and turbulent these days. I refuse to just give in to them.
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And I am honestly proud of having gotten to this point! It was super hard but it helps so much when I do! It's never actually easy to do because sensory overload is common at the end of the day, but it's so much easier to sleep with a clean mouth
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I am deep in the depths of several embarrassing addictions I was using as ways to "grey rock" abusive exes out. I have been working on achieving baseline levels of personal hygiene and nutrition. Like. It has been an incredible struggle to get to the point where I brush my teeth *most* of the time
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I want to know what is happening. It's scary when I don't know. It's also scary when I do know.
But, when I do know - what do I do with that? How am I supposed to prepare for the systematic destruction of the systems keeping me alive, because our new cyber nazi overlords hate the idea of me living?
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& these days the river is especially turbulent (storms all along the river have it overflowing and full of runoff fertilizer, can't see what's going to hurt you before it's too late to get out of the way)
I am still rebuilding the retaining wall. I can't keep the river out when it overflows
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The Scroll is like the river running next to my little makeshift onsen. It is a strong river that can quickly carry messages and news far and wide, but the current is strong & even the strongest swimmers get overwhelmed eventually.
I am no longer a strong swimmer.
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& that warmth is definitely here. It makes me a funny kind of feeling in my chest that I dare to call "happy" that people remember me from the bird site and are glad that I turned up here.
But then there's The Scroll.
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I don't actually want my problems solved! I want to talk about them! Even if nobody listens, it helps to talk. And that truth - that it helps to talk - is what made the bird site so warm. I never really expected any responses, but I kept getting them, & that give me so many feelings
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Telling people what I'm feeling, about any of the many urgently broken things about my life at present, in a direct message of any sort, but especially via text?
Feels like I'm sending them one of those unskippable pop up ads with the helpless freezing lady who needs you to solve her problems
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I got too used to letting people rearrange my life into the wrong shapes & making the situation worse for me. The pathways that light up in my brain when I get exposed to that kind of "love" were well worn already when I was a child.
Too many people have pushed that button. Took charge of my fate
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I got too used to being loved by people who manipulated me, people I couldn't talk to about my needs without doing the mental calculus of "how upset are they already/is what I'm about to say going to tip them over the threshold of Too Much"
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& it makes me wary of the people who might try to push either of those buttons. The ones who will go out of their way to tell me I don't matter, or that I'm wrong for wanting things, will at least be easier to spot, but it's the ones who would hit the green button that really worry me
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Laying on the bed, shivering, frozen with indecision because there are so many things so urgently wrong with the only shelter I have
I might as well have glowing buttons that say "help him" and "abandon him" floating next to me. This storm is awful & it's gonna fucking kill people. Maybe even me
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I literally feel like that lady in all those ads who is trying to sleep in a decrepit house during a snowstorm, mentally
A killing blizzard of Real Life Shit is happening right now and I find myself in possession of insufficient protection from the inclement weather
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Sometimes there were storms and floods and we took shelter together, telling stories to find courage and hope from the knowledge that we were not alone
& I would love to be doing that right now but trying to do that feels like trying to build a house during a monsoon
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But it's like... It used to be like getting into a hot spring next to a river. The river was big & fast & cold & treacherous but I needed it to go places
But whenever I needed I talk to people, I could slip into my own little warm toasty pool of Online, relax & play & be comforted by my friends
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And the unhealthy way to not play the game, which is convincing myself that I don't actually need to talk to people at all. Which is what I've been doing.
The bird site used to be a pretty good chat room in the sense of, it used to be a place I could go to talk to myself to talk to people
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There's the healthy way to not play the game, which is to just fuckin talk to people, just get over myself and do it, acknowledge that it's been a while since I lost contact and just say a thing, and handle their response and my feelings about it after it happens,
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I miss people desperately but I'm honestly terrified of trying to interact with people one on one
My brain gets overloaded with trying to game out what to say and how they might respond & the only way to win that game is not to play
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& if that feeling is only less now than it was on the bird app before (back when it already sucked, but for less horrifying reasons), it's only because I haven't spent enough time here to look for all the people I lost, either via the platform switch, or to the fog of memory loss.
I still feel it.
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& what can anyone who has outlived their destiny do but continue on out of resentment & spite & the barest sliver of bitter hope that there's something more left in the future after all?
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In my heart of hearts I believe that I was destined to be one of those poets who live fast and die young, only I never had the opportunity to do the former, & as a result, I've already lived too long to do the latter
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I've wanted - I still want - a lot of things that I *know* are bad for me, because addiction is like that and recovery only works if you work it.
(So I hear, anyway. I haven't been.)
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I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to be *listened to*
I don't know if it's good for me to get what I want, though. I've wanted a lot of things that ended up being bad for me
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Even when I was still with my partner - even before that, when I was still married - I was still alone, because abuse is isolating like that. Even when you're with other people, you're still alone, because nobody sees what you're really going through
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Maybe it will help someone else to know that what keeps me alive is a probably-toxic blend of hedonism and spite and disassociation. I don't know!
All I know is that I've been alone for a very long time and I'm so tired of being alone
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Maybe it'll help someone else to know that I feel like absolute dogshit all the time, that I struggle to shower once a week, that I only get out of bed in the morning because my cats start knocking things over if I don't feed them
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I don't know if I'm doing myself more harm than good by trying to be here. I don't know if I'm doing the world more harm than good by writing about what it feels like to be an animate open, infected wound. I suspect it's "more harm," though
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I ended up so burnt out that all that was left of me was hard coals of resentment and anger, and then, eventually, just ashes.
Maybe something will grow from these ashes someday, but not now. Not like this. Not when everything around me is still on fire
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I thought it would be enough Resistanceâ„¢ if I could just keep myself and my partner alive. If I could just keep two trans queers alive when They wanted us dead, I thought that would be enough.
I just ended up so burnt out I couldn't even take care of myself anymore.
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I used to try to help. Even after I got burnt out and had to quit my nonprofit job, I still tried to help by staying online and staying informed and signal boosting.
Even after I got so burnt out that I couldn't be online without further harming myself, I still tried to help
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But me - I still need to look to the helpers. Because I'm someone who *needs the help* in order to survive
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The first time I logged on last week I saw someone say that "look to the helpers" was "kid shit" and that we, as adults, needed to BE the helpers & it rubbed me the wrong way
I'm sure there are some people who needed to see that. Maybe even some who saw it decided to take action
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& a lot of the stuff out there in the scroll simply does not account for how many of us are struggling so much just to survive that doing anything more doesn't just SEEM impossible, it IS impossible
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They want us so buried in despair that it feels hopeless to even try to survive. They want us to disappear and to die because it's too hard to live.
I know this. It doesn't make it any easier to resist.
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When this coup started, I was already so mentally and physically ill that basic self care was a struggle. Trying to keep track of what's happening makes that harder. So does not knowing what's happening. And I *know* that's the point!
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Where do I draw the line between staying informed in the name of safety and focusing on my immediate surroundings in the name of being able to continue functioning at all?