My friends kids have got a bunch of us with "I know a great knock knock joke but you have to start it" and then when you say "knock knock" they just say "who's there?"
Now wondering if kids will get the reference to the dinner dinner dinner version of the joke cos they hadn't seen the old series?? It's still funny tho so it doesn't matter.
I don't know if the joke still lands, but my kids certainly understood the Batman "dinner dinner" tune, and also the Spider-Man theme, without (I think) ever seeing either show.
My son likes
Police knocked door and asked where I was on July 1st 2009 as investigating a murder.
I said I can't remember as so long ago.
I found my old diary...July 1st...morning...went for a walk with the dog. Afternoon..murdered someone..
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Oh and sometimes when my kids are about I walk past the fruit bowl, pick up the banana and holding it to my ear say, “please stop calling me at home..”
That’s not for me to say but for nearly 50 years it’s been the only joke I’ve been able to remember. “Who’s there?” “One up” “Oneupwho?” “Do you? You should go to the toilet”. Like flares it’s popularity has fluctuated over the years.
Customer: "Excuse me, I need a battery so that I can tell the time"
Shop worker: "Oh, is it for a clock?"
Customer: "I don't know, that's why I need the battery!"
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- I don’t know, why did the chicken cross the road?
- To get to the idiot’s house. Knock knock.
- Who’s there?
- The chicken.
A flustered tortoise stumbles into a police station.
"What seems to be the problem sir?" Says the policeman at the front desk
"I've just been mugged by a gang of snails!" Squeals the tortoise.
"OK sir, calm down and tell me exactly what happened." Replied the policeman...
This one is a bit long for 300 characters, but I'll do my best...
Old Bert had been running a manual train signal booth in a small country village for thirty years, and his friends urged him to apply for a long-overdue promotion.
He was invited to attend an interview at head office in the city...
Why did grandma put roller skates on her rocking chair? She wanted to rock and roll.
What do you call a fake noodle? An imposta.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put some boogie in it.
Do we mean actually understood by actual kids or just not dirty? In the latter category: Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" Descartes replies, "I think not." And poof! He wasn't!
Oh that is heaven!! (I remember reading this joke in an email of “clean jokes” so must have been c 2012. I laughed solidly for about 20 minutes. Just could not stop.)
A hen walks into a library and says, ‘Bk!’ The librarian gives it a book. Next day, it returns. “Bk! Bk!” She gives it two books. After five days, the librarian follows the hen, through the town to a duckpond. In the middle is a frog on a lily pad with a big pile of books, saying: “Reddit! Reddit!”
It's not migrated over here yet, unfortunately, but over on Twitter the "kids write jokes" account was always useful for reminding me just how surreal and silly children's actual sense of humour can be.
It's not so much that any of the jokes they post are in any way usable in a professional way, more that reading them helps me get into the right headspace to make kids laugh.
When I was teaching special ed, my whole class of 7-10 yr olds got obsessed with this joke, telling, then completely cracking up at it hundreds of times.
How do you call Alaska?
ALASKA!
My kids loved this one:
Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: You dig a big hole, fill that hole with ashes, then put peas on top of the ashes…so when the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash.
Duck walks into a pub wearing overalls and a tool belt, asks the barman for a pint. Shocked at a talking duck, the barman serves him and asks, “have you ever thought about working at the circus?” to which the duck replies “why does a circus need a plumber?”
I know I sprung this one on you earlier last week but I'm on the verge of being kicked out of my house from repeatedly saying the punchline to this and then laughing:
Me: "what is a pirate's favourite letter?"
Kid: "...arrrrrr?"
Me (pirate voice): "Naay, lad, me first love be the ceeee"
Comments
One says to the other... do you know how to drive this thing?
An elephant married a rhino
The kids were the strangest that I know
When people saw em
They’d say “Whatcha call em?”
I had to reply: ELEFINO!
(Mom was very mad when she heard this on my preschool sing along tape in ‘96)
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 3 wooden heads that can't pronounce the letter 'd'
Ewarwoowar 111
my 8 year old likes that one
Alfred the Grape.
What?
Jean, you’ve got a banana n your ear!
What?
JEAN, YOU’VE GOT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR
Sorry, I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear.
A cow with no lips
Unbelievable
CPArrgghh
A carrot.
@fionawritesbooks.bsky.social 😉
Bubble-oh-seven
a snooker table
"No tomatoes."
Who's there
Dunop
What's a vampire's favourite fruit?
Nectarine (or blood orange)
He felt his presents.
On the dark side.
Why did the elephant wear his blue tennis shoes?
His red ones where in the wash
Whiff whiff whiff whiff...
Whiff whiff whiff whiff...
Whiff whiff whiff whiff...
A hurdler in corduroy shorts
She can't, she's dead.
Wait, I'm certain someone here's possessed by an owl
...hopefully someone say's who [hoo]
...point at them
No longer works with my teenagers sadly, they just look at me as though I'm a berk.
4 yo: What do you call a 3-humped camel?
Me: No idea
4yo: Pregnant!
I had a really good laugh.
A bit later I found out he had heard it when he watched Zootopia. It still hits when he tells it.
Oh, for KIDS. No.
Doctor doctor I keep thinking I’m a moth
You need a psychiatrist
I know, but your light was on
You're under a vest.
One where the actual question is funnier than the answer
Police knocked door and asked where I was on July 1st 2009 as investigating a murder.
I said I can't remember as so long ago.
I found my old diary...July 1st...morning...went for a walk with the dog. Afternoon..murdered someone..
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field!
“Did you know ants are immune to most diseases?
Scientists have discovered it’s because they have tiny little anty bodies”
💀🤣
It scrambled!
He was feeling crummy
Tooth-hurty!
“Get down.”
A stick!
It’s my favourite joke. I’ll get my coat.
A Pritt stick!
Trombones
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I'll get my coat...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The shepherds who tend the sheep.
The shepherd's who tend the sheep who?
No, not the shepherds who tend the SHEEP POOH, the shepherds who tend the SHEEP.
A: Tooth-hurty
They didn't have the right koala-fications
To stamp out forest fires
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out burning ducks
Then get back in again, because that's a good one, I like it.
Because it felt a little crumby!
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
The penguin.
Anyone can roast beef but it’s really hard to pee soup.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
I want up.
I want a poo?
Errr you need a poo, go to the loo etc.
Oh and sometimes when my kids are about I walk past the fruit bowl, pick up the banana and holding it to my ear say, “please stop calling me at home..”
I’ll stop now.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe poo
No, I'm not, you're a poo!
Been having trouble with my car:
The starter won’t start.
The spark plugs won’t spark.
The pistons won’t…well, you know. 🫤
An elephant and a mouse are talking
Elephant: Little mouse?
Little mouse: Yes Elephant.
Elephant: Why is it that I am so big and strong and loud whilst you are so small and puny and quiet?
Little mouse: I’ve not been very well.
Why do squirrels do backstroke when they're swimming?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why can't ants sink?
They're buoy-ant.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Shop worker: "Oh, is it for a clock?"
Customer: "I don't know, that's why I need the battery!"
- I don’t know, why did the chicken cross the road?
- To get to the idiot’s house. Knock knock.
- Who’s there?
- The chicken.
Up his sleevies!
The Doberman Pinscher
Nothing, it just waved
(I use to laugh so hard at this)
Cause it ran out of juice!
Do you smell carrots?
A stick
What did the letter O say to the number 8?
Nice belt
My mother was a lollipop lady… Yeah, long thin body, big round sticky head.
Where does a 300 lb Canary sit,? Anywhere it wants to.
Because their heads are so far away from their bodies.
Because he's only got little legs.
"What seems to be the problem sir?" Says the policeman at the front desk
"I've just been mugged by a gang of snails!" Squeals the tortoise.
"OK sir, calm down and tell me exactly what happened." Replied the policeman...
Sorry Bluesky, but it is a source.
An eleph ant
Badoom tish..
Sits on an acorn and waits.
How does the Elephant get down again?
Sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.
Take it for a drag.
"What's your name, lad?" he barked at the timid young man.
"It's Charles, sir."
"I have NEVER referred to an apprentice by his first name in my life! What's your last name, boy?"
"It's Darling, sir."
"Okay, let's get to work, Charlie..."
Old Bert had been running a manual train signal booth in a small country village for thirty years, and his friends urged him to apply for a long-overdue promotion.
He was invited to attend an interview at head office in the city...
"You're in your booth and you get a signal that trains are coming from both directions. What do you do?"
"Oh, I'd just give both trains the go-slow light and direct one into the siding to let the other past."
"No problem, I'd just run outside and activate the signal lights manually."
"Oh no, there's a power failure and the lights aren't working!"
"That's fine, I'd just use the emergency flares to signal instead."
"Oh, in that case I'd run to my house and fetch my wife and kids and my old mum."
"What? Why?"
"Well, they've never seen a train crash before."
When it's ajar
By the "E" embroidered on his pyjamas.
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a fake noodle? An imposta.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put some boogie in it.
What do you call a three-legged donkey?
Wonky!
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot Cross Bunnies!
A Coop!
What do you call a mushroom who likes to go to parties? A fungi
What are Beethoven and Mozart doing now that they are dead? Decomposing
Because its head is so far from its body.
Toot and come in
https://www.goodreads.com/series/282920-investigators
Tex Mickey.
Because 1 more would make it… too farty!
To get to the other slide.
I recently took a honey making course. In my final exam I got a B.
I recently took a sailing course. In my final exam I got a C.
“Why didn’t you stop him?”
Because I thought he’d take offence.
I recently got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn’t concentrate.
Because she had no arms ...
Knock knock
Who's there?
NOT SALLY
Because he wasn't peeling very well
Three holes in the ground."
(An absolute fave of mine as a child but I was a weird child, tbf.)
Did you mean that LITERALLY, like:
“Q: Why are our butt-cracks vertical instead of horizontal?
A: So they won’t go ‘Bibbidy-bibbidy 😙🤏’ when you go down the playground slide”?
Shoe shoe!
2. What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod.
Same middle name
A Headbanger (ba-dum-tiss)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A Stick
--
Why wouldn't the man give anyone his broken boomerang?
That's just his schtick
Because they have big fingers.
https://x.com/KidsWriteJokes
Because their horns don’t work!
TriceraCOPS
Piiiiiiiiiig.
No eye deer. (No idea.)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you’re a poo!
💩
An escape-pea! 🫛
Where do Batman and Robin go potty? The batroom.
A stick.
“Paris”
No. It’s F.
https://bsky.app/profile/talkwordy.bsky.social/post/3lajpylxobs26
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the MOOOOOOvies!
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow who?"
"MOOOOOOO!"
For my daughter, the punchline is largely that it's funny to suddenly shout "MOO!"
How do you call Alaska?
ALASKA!
Pink fluff.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
There's two birds on a perch. One of them says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: You dig a big hole, fill that hole with ashes, then put peas on top of the ashes…so when the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash.
Cos he only has little legs.
Duck walks into a pub wearing overalls and a tool belt, asks the barman for a pint. Shocked at a talking duck, the barman serves him and asks, “have you ever thought about working at the circus?” to which the duck replies “why does a circus need a plumber?”
Look what Mamma-laid.
Go for the juggler.
It saw the salad dressing.
How can you tell an elephant has been in the ‘fridge?
Footprints in the jelly.
The last one is absurd but funny to me as a kid.
Who’s there?
Twit.
Twit who?
What are you, an owl?
The sock-less monster.
An elephant farted in a lift. It was wrong on all levels.
These have made us laugh a lot recently. Can’t remember where they are from though.
A stick.
A homesick poo.
My brown slippers.
What's brown and sticky and slippery?
Clogs.
No tomatoes
Stereo aspirin!
A four door apple.
A snooker table
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
What's white and blue and can't climb trees?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
What's white, pink, and silver and can't climb trees?
A fridge with bacon stapled to it.
Q: What's big, grey and can't swim?
A: a car park
Monkey sick.
An elephart.
Anything you like, she can't hear you.
A carrot
The Isle of Wight ferry
A brick.
Ba-dump-ch! (Make drum sounds)
About a buck an ear.
Get into the boats!
🦍🍌
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
One says, "Oo-oo-ooo-ah-ah-OOO-AH-AH."
The other one says, "Well, put a bit of cold in then."
Nice belt.
They're pretty light.
It was two-tired.
An egg.
--
What's red when you throw it into the air and yellow when it comes down?
A tomato that's gone bananas.
Rod and Annette.
Because the Seaweed.
Only clean joke I know.
That means plastic dinosaurs are made of real dinosaurs.
Doesn’t explain all the scarves.
Answer: a motorpike
also what’s the fastest thing on washing line?
Answer: Hondapants
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You 'neak up on it
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A. A stick.
(A) Nice belt.
No tomatoes.
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo
O Camel Ye Faithful
Me: "what is a pirate's favourite letter?"
Kid: "...arrrrrr?"
Me (pirate voice): "Naay, lad, me first love be the ceeee"