I also tried my hand at family gatherings. It’s a risky venture, but if you can pull it off, it WILL pay in the long run. The Onion: Paper Edition is a much less risky alternative to getting into your elderly in-laws’ good graces. But you should still help them with their wills. Hey, you never know.
I'm from Czech Republic; I didn't get any notification / warning that CZ would be outside the viable places to send the paper to. This being The Onion, I can totally imagine it being some kind of prank, but I'd really love to receive the paper.
Have you ever asked yourselves what in the heck they need YOUR measly cents for when they can doe LEGAL INSIDER TRADING on the STOCK EXCHANGE?! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5udtSQ-LtM0
I ain't ever gonna give these fuckers a dime. Once they start physically removing those who want to destroy our democracy then I might consider it. They work for us, we voted them in, they need to listen to us.
Man this one hit a nerve. My congressional rep held a telephone town hall last night and it was all about lawsuits wending their way through the courts.
Too long, too little, too late. When are you going to start playing hardball?
I mean, we kinda did collectively let this happen. And we're probably not getting out of it w/o a massive popular movement in opposition (which no one seems genuinely interested in).
I will be replying to every Dem fundraising email I get and every Dem fundraising social media post I see and every infuriating Dem fundraising text message I get with this photo.
Your writers are phenomenal. As crazy as the world is getting, legislators proposing “Red, White, and Blueland” and you still find a way to write funny, poignant satire.
The Democrats should all resign. They have screamed Fascism and Dictator for 12 years and they are completely unprepared. They won’t get another dime from me.
Ah, so US senators ONLY have power when they have a supermajority? They have no other authority at all? No security clearances? No authority over police forces? They can’t physically impede things?
It’s their fucking job to govern, not ours.
We aren’t smug, we’re ANGRY. This is gallows humor.
Can you point out in the constitution where it says congressional members can just sit around with their thumbs up their asses if they don’t control a majority of congressional seats?
Or explain why it’s fine that they’ve been alienating voters for years, allowing this to happen?
First off, you shit-hearted asshole, “too bad, so sad” about people I love are going to be unpersoned or murdered is pretty fucking smug, and makes it clear you don’t give a metric shit about people’s lives, only about your team’s good name.
Second, you don’t have literally any info on my voting history (more smugness), but I’ll tell you for free it’s been straight-line Dem every election since I turned eighteen, so fuck you there too.
I did my alleged job; how am I to blame for the fuckups of my employees who didn’t do theirs?
It’s weird for this to be so abstract for you, like it’s a sports team that lost, since you’ve got literal skin in the game.
Your mother failed you, and by extension of your dumb ass speaking in public, failed U.S. all, and there’s no marginalized people there for you to blame.
Covid hit and they sent us $2000 each. The rest was stolen by congress people and their families. Then they said those loans are forgiven (for themselves).
Exactly PPP was a giant grift. The rules the first 2 weeks allowed consultants with 1employee ,themselves ,to get $100,000’s to millions in forgivable loans
The money was then gone for many small businesses
Republicans are stealing our tax 💵’s
They will again
How many trillions added to deficit?
Yeah. The ones who try to prevent student loan forgiveness (mostly for people who have more than paid back their initial loan) couldn’t wait to grab “loans” (much greater than the average student loan) with NO intention of ever repaying. (Looking at my rep, who got a million dollars.)
Everything the GOP did when they were in the minority: file procedural motions, invoke parliamentary privilege, disrupt hearings, have someone speaking on the floor non-stop so the c-span cameras are forced to cover it even if no one else is there.
We need to find out h is w his net worth increased 1000% in the last 5 years.
I'm going to find out exactly what U SAID has uncovered about these so-called leaders.
Pete Hegseth says blacks need not apply for the military a General remarks , ''Pete thinks we are cutting into core demographic for ,for-profit prisons ''
I usually use stop because I'll never, ever send money by clicking on a blind text link sent in a text, but I definitely want some of them to get the message that way.
I legit got that text this morning. “SAVE NPR AND PBS BY GIVING US MONEY!!” In light of y’all’s track record I’m just going to give my money directly to NPR and PBS.
It's sad, but hopefully they'll just do that to appease and keep hiring like DEI going away wasn't a thing. You can both resist and trick the idiots into thinking you're falling in line.
"President Donald Trump has repeatedly said Canada should be the 51st U.S. state as he proposes to erase the 5,525-mile-long border that separates the two countries.
Here’s what it would take to transform Canada from a nation to a state."
Where "but hopefully" gets you. PBS sanewashing fascism.
Yep. And "but hopefully" was the action plan as the alarm bells for election fraud were ringing years ago. I'm not against optimism, I'm against it being the only tool in the box.
The whole party is feckless. We really need a movement to unseat them and replace them with representatives who will actually fight for their convictions instead of try to make peace with authoritarians, wring their hands, and insist that there's nothing they can do for us.
If it's truly "the whole party" then it's game over. There's no math where a third party becomes relevant in the foreseeable future.
You have to primary these people and shift the existing party, which is theoretically possible, if difficult. a bunch of self-described "teabaggers" managed it.
"Yeah, I can. You just did, but I will do my best to prevent it from happening as a citizen and I will also elect someone who can challenge you in primary." I reply back that goes immediately into their spam.
I’m reg independent so I never received this stuff, but if they’re really still asking for donations, all I can say is they got a LOT of nerve at a time like this.
Related: "I appreciate your email, but I won't consider your comments because you're not my constituent. Please email your own representative. Please also donate to my campaign."
Don't forget the partner headline "leftists who spent 10 years spending all their energy shitting on Dems now upset that Dems don't have power to stop fascism"
They're not the same. The job of Republicans is to implement rightwing policy. The job of Democrats is to absorb and neutralize leftwing movements and ideas that might get in the way of the Republican agenda.
A lot of us didn’t vote for this. We did our part. Congress doesn’t legislate anymore, leaving the Executive and Judicial branches to fill the power vacuum. Tag Congress, you’re it!
Sometimes I just want to lightly spank the wrist of The Onion for being so on the nose. Like a passive aggressive little slap. You’re doing your job, but like, stoppit
I donated too much money to the Harris and various other Democratic campaigns last year. I’m tapped
Out. It really sucks that the system doesn’t function without donations being made to both sides because we all know who has the most money. Can we get representation without having to “chip in“?
I'm old enough to remember a single republican senator holding up votes so that they wouldn't get passed while the republicans were in the minority. Now we're witnessing the Dems begging for more money to do absolutely nothing to uphold their oath of office.
In truth, the moderate Democrats are most comfortable when they're not in power. That way they can sit back and bleat about what the right are doing, rather than make any real effort to improve the country.
Holding up votes is great for stopping the government from doing anything constructive.
Holding up votes does not in any way slow down an unelected billionaire from tearing down the government. Stopping that would require positive action from the legislature. The minority party can't do that
They could at least try to slow the Republicans down, rather than just sit on their asses and email people. I know they’re the minority party but they can do SOMETHING.
If the courts don’t allow them to combat Republicans in any meaningful capacity, then they should go outside of the courts to combat them. Don’t aim high when they’re aiming low.
Easy to wonder if they ever do anything else aside from texts & emails & phone calls asking for money. And, no matter what, they always need it more than I do. You want me to go out and sell plasma, too? Got it!!
I'm sick of those fundraising emails. Why is it WE can't let this happen? They are the ones in government. They shouldn't be letting it happen. I feel like I'm being held hostage with those emails - "Give me some money, or else." Or else what? You'll give more speeches? 😱
This (×) infinity and reason all their bs Democratic fundraising emails go straight into the spam folder that gets ERASED every day. Their calls don't get answered and if they text- that number gets blocked.
The head of the DNC was recorded saying that the 1st Trump presidency was the biggest money maker for them. This was a yr + before his reelection. Now I get multiple texts and emails begging me to donate on a daily basis! The DNC is a corporation & Trump is big business 🤬
Comments
Ultimately cheaper than joining a cult. Become an Onion member today. Join America's Finest Membership here:
https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5udtSQ-LtM0
Folks who actually could do something…and aren’t.
You want money? Send me the email showing me the RESULTS of you impeding this slow walk into a fascist oligarchy.
Upon reflection, I suppose you'd rather be doing that as well.
Once again satire and reality become one.
Too long, too little, too late. When are you going to start playing hardball?
You know it’s bad when you report more accurately than the others
It’s a part of thinking critically. I can support and vote for them while also criticizing the thing they do which don’t represent me.
Also, learn about self-deprecation.
Not really defending the company. More making fun of your undying loyalty for the ass party.
...when they start burning shit to the ground, & hanging fascists from trees, they can drop me a line...
Because there’s no other options.
Good joke though.
Venmo us @ DNCCaintfree
It’s their fucking job to govern, not ours.
We aren’t smug, we’re ANGRY. This is gallows humor.
Or explain why it’s fine that they’ve been alienating voters for years, allowing this to happen?
Ain’t got time for people who think their feelings are facts. Bye. 😘
I did my alleged job; how am I to blame for the fuckups of my employees who didn’t do theirs?
Your mother failed you, and by extension of your dumb ass speaking in public, failed U.S. all, and there’s no marginalized people there for you to blame.
She just sucked.
Fully deserved, though (with exceptions like AOC).
Well done sir! 👏👏👏
Y’all Better Wake Up!!
The money was then gone for many small businesses
Republicans are stealing our tax 💵’s
They will again
How many trillions added to deficit?
Once they were elected…crickets. October 2024, here comes the screams about DeJoy again!!
They. Are.All. Corrupt.
PeriodT!!
DON’T IGNORE THIS MESSAGE! WE ARE $32,000 AWAY FROM OUR GOAL OF STOPPING TRUMP! YOUR DONATION CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING!
YES! I WILL DONATE:
$3.00
$5.00
$10.00
$20.00
$50.00
CUSTOM AMOUNT
😑
If only they were this aggressive, say, at doing their job?
Other than slow walking stuff, assisting with lawsuits and holding press conferences, which they already do, what else can they do?
I'm going to find out exactly what U SAID has uncovered about these so-called leaders.
Me: Well, let me get started drafting this bill, then oh wait THAT'S YOUR JOB
So cathartic
Here’s what it would take to transform Canada from a nation to a state."
Where "but hopefully" gets you. PBS sanewashing fascism.
Pro-Tip: even when you unsubscribe from DNC mail lists, the damage is done. By then they have shared your email with a bunch of satellite “causes”.
You have to primary these people and shift the existing party, which is theoretically possible, if difficult. a bunch of self-described "teabaggers" managed it.
#Democracy
#WeNeedALeaderNow!
https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/einstein/1948/12/02.htm
Glad Einstein was anti-Zionist though.
https://archive.org/details/AlbertEinsteinLetterToTheNewYorkTimes.December41948
https://www.cf.org/news/heres-the-lawmaker-who-accepts-more-blackrock-money-than-any-other-member-of-congress/
Reality has usurped your place as the source of lunacy.
All you're doing now is reporting regular news.
Sincerely,
Probably Many Of Us
-genocide
-brutalizing unarmed voters with fascist police gangs
-expansion of the militarized police state
-cop cities
-inhumane border policy
-record oil drilling
This is the reality...........fundraising over action
Out. It really sucks that the system doesn’t function without donations being made to both sides because we all know who has the most money. Can we get representation without having to “chip in“?
@schiff.senate.gov
@hakeem-jeffries.bsky.social
@aoc.bsky.social
Holding up votes does not in any way slow down an unelected billionaire from tearing down the government. Stopping that would require positive action from the legislature. The minority party can't do that
You might even get George Conway or Adam Kinzinger to cameo
[True Story]