Challenge…
Write lyrics to the theme from Wallace and Gromit.
* Must rhyme
* Must scan perfectly with the melody
* Must NOT be about Wallace and Gromit
GO!
Write lyrics to the theme from Wallace and Gromit.
* Must rhyme
* Must scan perfectly with the melody
* Must NOT be about Wallace and Gromit
GO!
Comments
Said he was feeling quite depressed
“Is there a thing you can give me
To lighten up my life’s mess?”
Has just arrived in town!
His show is sure to lift your spirits and cure your woes!”
The man began to moan
Wept bitterly and groaned
And through his sobs he cried out “But that clown is me!”
Massive Attack and Portishead.
Although for tunes you can whistle,
You’d better look elsewhere instead!
Wherever there's danger he won't rest
He will be there -- he's magnific
The strongest, the quickest, the best!
It rhymes with Power House
The greatest secret agent
Baron Greenback can't crush
When called by Colonel K
He'll come and save the day
But will he ever get Penfold to shush?
something is clearly amiss here
i should go meet the comittee
and ask "What's with all the left-out beer?"
I changed his name to Darth Vader
After I fixed up all his burns
I told a fib, couldn’t save her
Always for Padme he yearns
No longer Anakin, he burnt off all his skin
To fight his master really was a step too far
Kenobi quickly found, he had the higher ground
On that evening in old Mustafar
Only one hump on its whole head
Sorry, no, that wasn't correct
The hump is on its back inste-a-ad
Don’t mention the crashed e-con-omy
Liz Truss is all a-bout free speech
She’ll sue, oh what hypo-crisy!
Along with fixing River Caves up too.
Let us know soon what's going on with the Grand Prix site.
And the future of Avalanche too!"
That it did make me go deaf
But that's not the worst thing to happen
You should have seen me on meth
I star in pantomimes galore
This year, performing in Wigan
Alongside the actor John Thaw
If you thought he had died
He didn't - he's alive
Unless I've overdosed on my medication again
a perfect late night supper,
Brie, Roquefort and Gorgonzola,
paired with a fresh brewed cuppa
(Frankly I lost where to go beyond this and not finding a space for Wensleydale feels like its own crime)
do do do doo do do do doo
Has she been headkicked by a horse?
Liz Truss has the self awareness
Of a thick bush made of gorse, or worse
Of a big dense black hole
Of an old trainer sole
Must be a big horse kicked her in the head, not a foal
Can she learn anything
Can any light get in
Liz Truss has no self awareness
Is she a danger to herself?
Liz Truss is a total danger
To everyone's mental health
Liz Truss has no self awareness
Everyone despairs and tries their best to ignore
Her
Making them throw up is tough
The space they take is expansive
But the noises they make are enough!
Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh-ugh-
ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh Etc. until lungs give out
3/3
PS I used the 1 min 4 second version of the tune from 'afewtunes') Don't actually know how many different W&G variants there are, but suspect several, these days.
They puke all day and night
My caterpillars work so very very hard
It was a government
Official endorsement
This stuff is just as good as yucky old petrol
2/3
Mine has a different trick
I've filled my flat up with insects
And power my car from their sick!
1/3
Everyone knows the cha-cha-cha
Foxtrot and Charleston and rhumba
But there's one dance that's the best by far
(cont.)
Oh yes, the Harlem Shake!
A dance that fills the clubs and makes you drop like it's hot
It makes the dance floor quake
It really takes the cake
It's a legitimate dance and not just a meme (It i-sn't just-a meme)
Dumping dead bodies in the sea
He's simply living his best life
Who's going to tell him to stop? Not me!
Is not for me or you
To poke our noses into, criticise or attack
They've had more number ones
Than I have fingers and thumbs
So don't you think we should cut them
Some fucking slack?
That's why I wear them to the shops
I ran into Judith Chalmers
She was so appalled she called the cops.
Ridden with flies, and out-of-date.
Tried keeping my leaking butt-logs
Hidden inside, but I sprayed!
Wearing a glove upon his head
He tried to burgle a diamond
But wound up in prison instead
Mc-Graw!
Incarcerated, he
Succumbed to emnity
Towards the man who helped to catch him, and his dog
Consumed with jealousy
And he planned
Oh a big machine!
Oh a submarine!
I’ll get you!
And
Your
Dog
Too!
Tomatosoup is my favorite one.
I have a spoon and i love soup,
Chickensoup is also fun
Something that perches in the soul -
And sings the tune lost for letters -
And at no time does it stop - at all -
Harvard has been hogging the works of Emily Dickinson by claiming ©️ on a bundle published ~70 years post mortem. But I claim fair use in turn, ha!
I ate the plums you set aside.
(Also, your huge desert statue
Lies as a wreck of false pride)
Too tasty not to eat
(The legs and sneer remain,
The rest is just sand)
The ones you never use —
I put them for sale, hope you understand
George Harrison & then Ringo Starr
They were a band called the Beatles
With bass and drums and guitar
(1/2)
But then he was shot dead
McCartney is still playing his songs both old & new
George has since passed away
But Ringo's here to stay
Wishing "peace and love, peace and love" to me and you
(2/2)
Maybe a park or a town hall
Arson is cool, it’s my hobby
I will set fire to them all (them all!)
Right on the interstate
I’m going to immolate
The greasy diner that serves greasier apple pies
For turning bricks to ash
I possess great panache
(already posted this on twitter but wanted to post it here as well)
there is but one notable flaw
Nose-in-the-air city elders
Taking a strict view of law
They're offing rowdy teens
Exploding heirs to beans
And making crusty jugglers suddenly disappear 1/2
Unless a Type A cop
Can thwart their vicious scheme in alliance with his peer!
Let's root for Nicholas Angel
chasing this case until it's won
Foiling municipal villains
With timely help from a swan!
Thought him a bird wi’ style and class
We led a life of adventure
Till he ran off wi’ me brass (the arse!)
- Clams and Darjeeling tea –
Till I didn’t know which way was up any more,
Then took the whole amount
Out of me bank account
And left me sweeping the shells off the floor…
I’m gonna give the tyke what for.
He’ll wish that he’d never met me –
Vengeance from Mrs McGraw! (It’s war!)
I hope he’s got letters for me,
Maybe I’ll make him a toastie
But what if he is gluten free?
Words from his mind upon a page
Powerful men feeding off it
Sanctify wailing and rage to all
But what of Devil's due?
and what of visions true?
and what of shattered ego on the edge of a blade?
You have just gotten a text
Might be some words giving detail
Open them now or be hexed
Where did these jars just come from?
They’re covered with odd bits of foils
I’d best just and go tell me mum
the "Rocket Lift Off" track stands out.
It sounds like it is a callback
to the show we cannot write about!
He likes to throw things back at me
He thought the brick was a fake one
Now we’re in casualty (dear me)
(I posted this on Twitter earlier, and then reckoned ‘he thought’ worked better!)
Written from a to zee
If you would like to get with me
You’ll have to listen carefully
Jokes back when Twitter was fun?
An insect that oinks is a pig-bee
That doesn't work as a pun
But hey at least I tried
And also no one died
Unlike the mass destruction
And grievous bodily harm
(1/2)
a swarm of stinging swine
Escaped and infiltrated a
Truffle foraging farm
(2/2)
I'm really coming for all you
Run for your life, little horses,
Time to turn you into glue! To glue!
Butcher man's coming to get you,
Then let a Chef make three courses,
Turn the remains into glue! To glue!
You better run so fast
That your bloodline will last
To be the fastest fucking racing horse in the world
1/2
Or your leg needs a cast
Your time's up- that's how your- grim tale will, be unfurled!
2/2
I've just been up to your room
Hundreds and hundreds of squirrels
Staring at me in the gloom
I went to chase them out
But then I had some doubt
As all their tiny, beady eyes were looking at me
1/2
And now I feel a prat
Because that act of aggression didn't make them flee
I have been bitten by squirrels
I don't want to moan or to grouse
My clothes are in rags and I'm bleeding
I think I'll move out of this house
2/2
Among the birds and the bees.
A little lot of little people,
They call the Poddington Peas!
Theres,
Cree-Pea, Black-Eyed-Pea
and theres Du-u-um-Pea.
Keep it a secret now please.
Theres Zi-Pea, Ha-a-aPea and then theres Swe-e-et-Pea.
And all the Poddington Peas!
From the fine folks at KFC
Promised it was finger lickin'
I said "well, we'll wait and see!"
It was a family feast
It smelt of baker's yeast
It came with far too many fries to fit in your mouth
1/2
But gave me greasy turds
The cooking process playing havok down south
Got my big coat and hat of course
But lo, what is this that I'm seeing?
Invincible postman in shorts!
At roughly two-forty-three
Pointless bad synth-bass glissando
Superman’s now dead to me
Jerry, my friend, drives a Skoda
"Such an eh-con-oh-mical car"
I did a wee in the fuel tank,
Now it won't go quite as far! (Soz, Jar)
You do and you blow us all to bits!
It's a mad life when you're in the bomb squad,
Most times we're just off our tits.
Liz Truss trashed the economy.
(I could go on but at least it does scan. Sorry not sorry for doing the same joke twice. I’m a bit giddy.)
(Not Wallace & Gromit, per the rules),
My lyrics are not exactly Carmen,
cos they no longer teach music in schools.
Emmerdale Farm, Emm-err-dale Farm.
Emm-erdale Farm, Emmerdale Farm.
Emmerdale Farm, Emm-err-dale.
The show title still sounds wrong.
Probly dates back to when they had that horrible plane crash.
It’s shown all weekdays.
The ad revenue pays
for Post Office progs that eat all the cash.
Where you will sing all of our rhymes?
If so I hope you'll be strumming,
Singing alone can be tough sometimes.
Will we be taking you to court to get what we're owed?
Or maybe settle now, forestall a public row
So you can still fund your next episode!
🎵Picking up rice right by a church🎵
🎵Lives in a dream by a window🎵
🎵Wearing the face she keeps as merch (oh yes)🎵
Pushed Illinois Nazis of a bridge.
He was a great comedic actor,
But would get drunk and raid your fridge!
2/5
Pickles and cheese, a brioche bun.
I want a lovely big burger,
Get down to maccies, get me one.
Don't waste my time with cups of tea
Get me a hot cup of coffee
Why are you staring at me?
(contd)
I want it black, you tit
If I had wanted milk I would have asked for some milk
If I asked you for bread
And got some toast instead...
Sorry for shouting I just really need coffee
The NKVD have got it wrong!
I'm not a class traitor or kulak
I praise Comrade Stalin - all - the - day - long!
You see the KGB
Are always watching me
And I can't find a reason why that even should be!
1/2🧵
Of every 5 year plan
And if it's treason you're seeking then go away!
I'm not, not your man!
I don't want to go to the gulag
The NKVD have got it wrong!
I'm not a class traitor or kulak
I praise Comrade Stalin - all - the - day - long!
2/2🧵
He has King Midas's touch
He has got such a cold finger
You could call it a spider's touch
He beckons you to come in
Into his web of sin
Golden words he'll pour into your ear
But pretty girl beware
You'll get a deathly scare
His lies can't disguise what you fear
Lancashire Lancashire and Wigan
Lancashire Lancashire Wigan
Lancashire Lancashire Wensleydale
La-la-la-lancashire
La-la-la-lancashire
No-No not yorkshire, we're lancashire-uns
(Instrumental break)
(Repeat first 4 lines twice)
Wallace and Gromit; they must rhyme
They must scan perfectly with the
Melody and stay in time
The lyrics must not be
About Wallace or G
Instead you’ll have to be much funnier
Perhaps a well known meme
Or a MapMen scene
Or simply running out of charac…
Trashed the UK’s economeee.
Made every one of us poorer,
Briefest PM in hist-reee.
She fucked the interest rates
For her so-wealthy mates.
Very easy to lampoon,
Self-awareness of a spoon.
Etc…
When you are walking on the moon.
I hope my legs do not bre-ak,
When I go walk on the moon.
We’re walking on the moon,
We’re walking on the moon,
My feet don’t hardly touch the ground,
Feet don’t hardly make a sound…
Etc.
wallace and gromit's adventuurreees
waallace and gromiitss adventuurreees
Try real hard to make shit up
She'd grown them when just a little girl
Her back was all covered in stingers
You'd see when her wings she'd unfurl
Her neon mandibles
And teets so bountiful
Provided for a swarm of suckling grubs
A mix of girls and boys
all making clicking noise
Its said that you don't pick your family
And I know that's definitely true
Yet its teatime and dear Nanny's hungry
And that's why I'm feeding her you!
But I thought I'd have a go
I love this theme I'm not lying
More than you will ever know
Are you upset or just aloof?
When winter’s done and it’s balmy
Will you get up on the roof?
(With me)
We’ll have a smashing time
I’ll bring the salt and lime
And you can hide some tequila in your pants
1/2
In summer’s sultry air
And I won’t remind you you don’t know how to dance.
2/2
Or Edam or Gouda or Brie
Cheese will make everything better
On crackers with hot milky tea
As I picked up my groceries
Had some spare clothes in my Mazda
They asked me to not come back please!
ikke fem grader, slaps og regn
Jeg vil ha buss som kan rulle
ikke skli baklengs av veien
Right from the start until the end
Now I'm waiting for more Map Men
It's driving me right round the bend
I really need to know
I want something to watch when I'm at home
If it's not online soon
I don't know what I'll do
I might just DM Mark Cooper-Jones
Has to eat all her life through tubes
She's OK but it's gonna get shady
A shame the technicians are noobs
Then Elon took the site from me
Now it's a hate site and shitter
Someone call up Lui- Uh
A bloody mary for lunch.
Bourbon, a beer and a buckfast,
Maybe a tropical punch.
Perhaps a Jägerbomb,
Or coffee laced with rum?
All of it turns into weeeeeee!
[repeat, increase tempo]
About a colleague who's named Matt?
I do not work with said person
Instead I've a flatulent cat
(Actually autobiographical, although the cat is being disparagedwithout right of reply.)
And it is time to say goodbye
Everything seems to be rotten
You are not mine, don't even try to lie
Limehouse and West India Quay
Stratford and Bow Church (not Bow Bells)
Please change at Poplar for West Ferry
I can see snow out on the roof
Been told to write something silly
(Read the above, there's the proof)
Now well-informed, not filled with hate
Musk, you used to be a good guy
Twitter’s now shite, when once ‘twas great.
Could you doo doo doo doo it for me or something?
What could be on the other side
Rainbows are only illusions
Rainbows have nothing to hide
But what's ama-a-zing
Keeps us star ga-a-zing
What are we looking at, what are we trying to see?
Some day we'll fi-ind it
Rainbow Connect-i-on
Lovers and dreamers and me.
This is a map of Tweedsmuir.
Or maybe it is of a sewer.
A sewer in lo-wer Hong Kong (or Leeds).
I'll give this challenge a good go,
Maybe I'll pull an all-nighter,
I'm really bad at just saying no!
Maybe I need a beer,
Who knows just what will help me finish writing this song?
I'm near the end of it,
Already sick of it,
And now I've used up my letters,
It's very long (I hope... you like... it though)
Who wants to give up all the booze?
I want to drink till my arms aches
And dance round the pub bar in the nude!
"His mind and his body are broken
Consequence of the muttered verse
Quake at the thing he's awoken
As it enslaves the universe"
And it means that the bathroom's out of whack
Just did a shit in a binbag
And I've managed somehow to tweak my back
Like nobody there ever was
To catch them is my real test
And to train them is my cause
I’ll travel ‘cross the land
Searching far and wide
Teaching Pokemon the power that’s inside
Nope nope nope.
Also, minus points for lazily crowbarring lyrics from the Pokémon theme. 1/5.
Wensleydale, cheddar or brie
If you like blue cheese like stilton
Montagnolo's the best, you will see!
Is better than crashing into a wall
Safety is not very much fun
But being dead's not at all
But I believe that it is cursed
Made from the sludge in a gutter
Intestinal flow is reversed 🎵