one thing i have come to understand as a parent is the sheer amount of internalized shame about sex and sexuality that a lot of people carry with them. here is a good example.
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I got this book for my son (now 12). He buried it at the bottom of his bookshelf like a cursed object. I try to egg him to read it,
"It's forbidden knowledge woooo."
I learned sex ed from a textbook my mom got me and from cable tv. I hope he cracks it open when he's ready.
I had seen this title on lists/in articles, but only just now seeing this am I realizing that I had that book as a kid!
So wild that is one they're going after
incredible art! the article takes such a strange turn attempting to sympathize with the book banners here. the danger of children seeing sexual material too early is not the exposure, but exposure without context, support, and understanding. context alleviates the trauma of sexual shame
I like that the book's author really zeroes in on why people object--"I, the parent, feel embarrassed"--and makes them confront why they think "I feel embarrassed" should be sufficient cause to prevent everyone from being able to read a book.
This is the book I learned about reproduction from, and I honestly have no idea how any growing child could possibly come to understand anything about this without language this cut and dry. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but sanitizing any of these just defeats the whole purpose.
Yeah, I saw the earlier reference. Had "What's Happening To My Body" counterpart as a kid. Think the Harris books are honestly better, but the older ones are way better than nothing.
My 3 older siblings determined I shouldn't see this, my parents never tried, school had a perfunctory 2 hours, everything was not coming out and Being Catholic. 👍 Do Not Recommend!
Memories of my very repressed dad freaking out circa 1985 at Mister Rogers singing about some bodies being fancy on the outside, some bodies fancy on the inside 😁
I remember how tricky this book was back when I worked for its publisher, Candlewick Press. But we really believed in it! It was meant to break new ground! I’m so glad to this article discussing why it’s so important, even if it’s uncomfortable.
I went to a progressive K-6 private school in Manhattan in the 1970s. We had the book Show Me! in the library. Google it LOL it's been banned since then due to child pornography laws... see also Sally Mann's photography.
As a parent... this all looks fine? If they don't learn it from me, or a book, they'll learn it from far worse sources. This doesn't look any more graphic than sex ed videos I remember seeing in junior school in the UK?
The headline & subhead are what suck ass. The essay itself is pretty good though, just a guy talking about his evolving feelings as he read through the book
The Bush-era demolition of sex ed programs did a real number on people. I'm Gen X, and I'm surprised by how many people younger than me are squeamish about sex ed. (Also I've come to realize that the pretty decent sex ed my generation got was mostly inspired by AIDS panic.)
In the mid-70s, during the first "defund schools" push, our sex-ed materials were, in retrospect, largely Eisenhower-era.
It was all about sex, without ever actually really discussing sex at all. Like teaching JavaScript by talking about binary math and CMOS gates, and then saying "that's it."
Sex in the 90's on MTV was Good, Actually, and introduced me to a lot of issues that turned out to be important later. They should have remade it every 5 years with, IDK, skinny jeans, hipster facial hair, etc.
I was a swimmer and diver growing up on coed teams and clubs and was so accustomed to boys and girls being scantily clad together in a non-sexual context that the weird prudishness Americans and have about bodies never made sense to me.
it's so obvious many parents have a sort of "set it and forget it" mentality about media for their kids. i wouldn't hand this to a child without being there to guide and discuss the topics with them, explain questions, help them learn. too many people don't want to do that or are too ashamed.
This book was challenged at my library last year, along with another aimed at teenagers. I like that it does a lot of work to explain consent and abuse.
Our church has used this book in its sex ed curriculum for many years. Both our sons took these classes and it was very helpful esp in Texas where no legit sex ed exists in schools.
Friendly, illustrated depictions of reproductive anatomy or intimate situations just send people over the wall – folks who might not bat an eye at a page of prose with the exact same information.
My kids had this whole series. They loved the younger one especially- “it’s not the stork” - so much that they asked my mom to read it to them once. I was laughing silently in the kitchen bc I knew she wouldn’t be able to even say some of the words. We have generations of shame to overcome.
I often think of the Stage Manager in Our Town watching the young people prepare to get married and bemoaning how no one has told them anything about sex.
I gave my son this book in 5th grade - he read the whole thing. Good deep talks. Less shame. Understanding how bodies work - and for a boy, especially important to understand girls bodies as well. All helps for the broader concept of 'consent' down the road as well. All of this is so good.
What all parents of children older than yours can tell you, is the question about where do babies come from will happen before kindergarten and at the most random time imaginable. I was not prepared with a good answer for a 4.5 year old. They need simple & direct. Question answered.
The author does seem to come around to the idea that the book is a useful educational tool near the end, which was welcome. I wish the story was framed differently because it actually grapples with the question of "what's a responsible alternative to this?" which most stuff on sex ed ignores.
I used to teach middle school sex ed classes at my (UU) church for years - for the majority of kids*, it's usually weird to talk about sex stuff with parents. One reason it's good to have -other- trusted contexts for them to learn & discuss (especially with other kids) - and books can be that, too.
*plenty of kids are comfortable talking about that sort of thing with family, but my impression is that a majority would prefer not to.
I was always honored to be someone other people would trust their kids with, on those topics.
My best source for these questions as a middle schooler was a friend who was UU! She had actual classes on it & I was so jealous lol (my nerdiness knows no bounds)
(1/2) As a godfather, that was actually my responsibility for some of the kids I helped shepherd along their childhood. We had once a week meetings over the summer where I'd show diagrams and have themed talks on anatomy, menstruation, consent, pornography, masturbation, copulation, abuse, etc.
(2/2) Their parents were equally reticent and my response was simple: You don't get to pick when your child awakens sexually. You don't get to pick when they need to answers to these questions. Life doesn't set an optimal test time. Let me prep them and spare you both the embarrassment.
I think that books like the one in the story provide exactly the kind of material needed to talk about it. Here is what sex is, here is what it might look like, etc. etc.
🎯 That this book was published in the 90s* shows how puritanical we've again become. That I write these words 22 years after 9/11 is probably not an accident.
*"conceived in the height of the HIV crisis" according to the article, that, to be fair comes around to endorsing its utility after wincing
It's taken me a while to realize that the pretty decent sex ed I got as a kid in the 80s and 90s was largely due to AIDS panic, and once that stopped being a prominent issue people went back to telling kids that sex makes women dirty so try not to do it.
The shame can and often is intergenerational. My dad under orders from mom gave me a short clenched-fist rundown with the emphasis that he and mom had waited for marriage. By the time I had a talk with my son he had already bought condoms.
When I was dropped off at college my mom pulled me aside and told me "Don't to anything dumb and if you do, don't be stupid about it, understand." I understood.
I was given It's Perfectly Normal as a kid and it was exactly the right book at the right moment. The explicitness and nudity and body diversity are the whole point. I will give it to my kids.
Books like It's Perfectly Normal are actually a great way to approach it because you let the kid read on their own and come to you with questions, which lets them set the level of conversation.
I was a curious kid and read everything I could get my hands on. One day at home I found a sex ed book written for kids, read it cover to cover. They didn't have to have "The Talk" with me, I just asked my mom some follow-up questions. I quickly became the go-to person for my friends with questions.
A bunch of parents from our kids’ school hired a sex educator and it was really great. She met with kids (without parents) then met with parents (without kids) to debrief them.
honestly, having a couple of different books around helps a lot— i had david mcauley’s “the way we work” which is super anatomical and american girl’s “the care and keeping of you,” both of which i found helpful for understanding physiological mechanics.
honestly though i really wish i had had something like the book mentioned in this article— a lot of the information i had was specific to my gender, and i wish i had had more opportunity to learn what was going on with boys in a safe place like a book.
This is so true. Particularly since so much of what information kids do get around puberty often portrays the "other" gender (always presented as a binary, of course) as aliens from outer space--something that's changing in a way we can't comprehend and should be terrified of.
Books definitely help - but so does realizing that the more you worry about it the more weird it is. The one making it weird is usually the parent, not the kid.
That’s true and I am not afraid or ashamed. I’m in the health care field and am happy to discuss. I guess it’s more of know what’s appropriate for their age and not going too deep too soon.
That’s on the parents knowing their kids and actually parenting though though— it’s not like there’s a brain switch that flips on Birthday X and suddenly every human is “ready”.
Yeah, you’ve gotta feel your way through. My thing was that if they asked the question they were ready for the answer, but also I tried to stay connected to my own childhood and lay the groundwork as I felt it would be valuable.
My mom got me this book a little too late to be an introduction to learning about sex, but it kicked ass anyway and answered a lot of questions. I wish adults would learn that seeing images like this as “pornographic” is entirely reflective of their own sex education, not their kid’s.
This book reminds me so much of one of my childhood favorites, WHERE DID I COME FROM? (Peter Mayle) published in 1976. I was born in 77 and this was in frequent bedtime reading rotation during my early childhood. I turned out just fine btw.
You are not kidding "But flipping through the book’s pages finally, I was a little shocked. I had an involuntary reaction to seeing the nude cartoons, like I needed to make sure I was alone and hide the book."
Violence and even rape on TV but god forbid we teach teens about sex and bodies in a book.
Just because YOU don’t talk about it doesn’t mean it’s not being discussed. I’m the playground I saw a child in first grade giving filacio & just screamed my undergrad mind couldn’t articulate how to make it stop teachers intervened and I had a crash course in school counseling. Parents? Clueless
Buy them condoms encourage them to find who they are with the unconditional love you have as a parent. There is no closet in my home. You are who you are and we stand with you in that truth. Humans are more than their gender or sexual identity. We need to normalize these conversations.
It’s like “oh my goodness they’re just kids!” But what is happening at schools? What is happening on their phones? I read a similar book “for girls” that encouraged looking at oneself in a mirror, masturbation, a graphic image of sexual intercourse (pictures worth a thousand words it said)
I know it's larger than just evangelicalism & "purity culture", but it doesn't help that in swaths of the country schools have never been allowed to teach sex ed at all. My HS paper was censored over this my freshman year because parents didn't like anyone explaining contraception or consent.
I, the youngest of 4, remember one educational kids' book that might have explained some things floating around our house before my siblings made sure I didn't get to see it, and my parents never tried. Everything else was the Catholicism.
"Unlearning and relearning" :-\
Teaching kids to understand their bodies and sex and sexuality in clear, unembarrassed terms is one of the best ways to protect them from abuse and help them develop bodily autonomy and that’s why conservatives oppose it.
Why would I want my kids to learn about their bodies and sexuality from a healthy, educational book when they can just learn it all form pornhub without my knowledge!
Word. My kids are just starting school, but we’ve never euphemized their genitals, for one. I suppose that’s one way to start to de-stigmatize things and call things by their name.
What’s wild is this book is part of a series and anyone who finds this one too mature for their kid can just give them one of the younger versions. Kids can (and will) grow into this, with or without help from their parents.
That article is something else. It’s like he thinks we don’t have bodies or curiosity and need to be informed about them until we have adult perspective on them. I have these books to my sons at middle-school age.
This is the line that strikes me. How many of the “see both sides” crowd push past that obvious homophobia and bigotry to allow themselves to vote for politicians who use book bans as wedge issues? Do they not see themselves getting played?
particularly funny when they note the illustration of the girl bending over with a mirror, which is just a hilarious cartoon image of something every kid on the planet has done at some point, but it’s somehow shocking anyway
The saddest part is when special needs students are given no legitimate sex ed, because of course they are going to die a virgin. Opens the door to all sorts of bad outcomes.
controversial opinion I'm proud of the Slate guy for pushing through because it's Slate, they were telling women not to accept rides with men not so long ago
I wonder how different and better my life might have been if I had access to that book about 65 years ago. I mean, it all worked out in the end for me (us, married 53 years), but sex was so fraught when I was young, and the source of so much anxiety and fear mixed in with the libidinous hormones.
But as with any positive development in society over my lifetime, there is a negative reaction, which bubbles up from the depths of bad faith, political calculation, and the self-righteousness of those least entitled to it.
I try to refrain from getting mad about Slate articles because it only gives them more power. It is a Slate writer’s job to think of the most annoying and asinine opinion possible. If it rained ice cream they would have an article about the plight of the lactose intolerant up within hours
As often as a Slater gets it wrong, I think they get it right much more often. I think broad editorial latitude yields both foul balls and fair, but there has been a lot of really solid journalism under their auspices.
Do they still piss me off sometimes? Sure, but on balance they’re good.
I actually still like Slate, especially their podcasts, and was admittedly trying to make a hyperbolic joke about their ostensible quota on mind-numbing takes after that Martin Short article no one asked for came out. I’ve just learned to ignore those, not fallin for it!
Is it an asinine opinion though? The book in question is clearly helpful to a lot of families, but how available should it be at a public library? Just because one side takes an extreme position (OH NO! Gay penguins!), doesn't mean the other has to.
No, the extreme position of insisting a library must carry a book because someone doesn't want them to. A library is well within its rights not to carry something, or restrict access to it, based on their particular circumstances.
Not really fair to this article, I think, which follows the writer’s expectations, to feelings of misgiving, to dialogue, to moving somewhat off of where they started.
I did not even know about this book. I’m buying it. Dunno if I will give it to my two daughters (who might be too old for this kind of thing at 16 & 13), but I’m definitely going to take a look at it.
I worked on an edition of IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL ~20 years ago. Robie told me she gets a lot of letters from kids who read it and realised they were being abused - that what was happening wasn’t normal, & they got help and were saved. I told this story on Twitter, and some guy called me a groomer
I'm a biologist and my thesis was on reproduction, so I don't think any potential children of mine are going to suffer from a lack of information. They may beg me to please stop talking tho.
Predators count on the ignorance of their victims. I think it’s why religious organizations push so hard for purity culture. I’ve developed the belief over the years that all major religions knowingly protect predators and knowingly raise up new victims.
It's "graphic" to visually depict the information the book is trying to explain, which appears to be otherwise fairly unobjectionable to the author. Kids should just imagine it from words, that never leads to misconceptions...
It is wild how much these straightforward books bring up about how we did not get these messages when we were kids. My kid jokes that I've created a "puberty library" but the books were sanity-saving when they questioned who they were & where they fit. As the article says, they're not entertainment.
It's hard for many parents to have the frank discussions needed and books like these definitely make it easier to have the required discussions. The bans are not to protect the kids, but to appease the sensibilities of the parents. I have the right to decide what my kids read, not the government.
it's rooted deep within Christianity; sex and the body, are sinful and shameful and not to be discussed. that gross belief has a profound impact on our laws and lives.
it's a great book, perfectly calibrated to its audience, and this is a spot-on assessment of what makes this piece so weird. "The far right has a point in banning this educational tool" is a bonkers idea for the author to entertain when the problem is "I feel weird talking to my kid at their level".
an astounding number of self proclaimed “progressive” parents genuinely believe that if they keep their children ignorant of sex, it will protect them.
Related: I desperately needed hormonal contraceptives to treat endometriosis, starting at age 12. But my mom (a freaking RN) refused to address my painful disorder, believing that the pill would make me promiscuous. As soon as I went to college I hit Planned Parenthood for help.
A decade on the pill likely kept me from becoming infertile. By the time I had my tubes tied at 30, my doc said I had a lot of scarring and likely could not have conceived a 2nd child, had I wanted to. I had bleeding issues during pregnancy that were likely related.
I definitely was a 180 from my late Silent Gen parents. My 22 year old son had the HPV vax. At the time we knew he could be a carrier for a female partner. Now we know that anyone can be harmed by HPV. I'm sorry that your folks were so back-asswards about it, too. I expect better from my generation.
It is very strange. I have even seen people push back against things like teaching young children the correct names for genitals and other body parts, under some notion that it is inappropriate.
There's an instinctive resistance to saying the right words (maybe going back to when I was a kid and "penis" was a bad word in school) but there it was a huge relief for me to push past it and not have to spend the rest of my kids' lives calling it a "wee wee" or something
One of the rewards of teaching proper anatomic terms to my kids is watching my 6yo daughter, playing Widowmaker in the Training Mode of Overwatch, take careful aim at the NPC Tracer’s crotch and say “I’m going to shoot her vulva.” 💀
I knew the right names from the beginning. Mom was a nurse. We never even used pee and poop, but urine and stool. My brothers, when my mom was driving car pool, would say "hey Mom, give (whomever else was in the car) your sex 101 talk.
I admit I have cringed a couple of times when my small child yells about their "bulba" (vulva) in public BUT I did teach the correct name b/c it is safer for kids to know this!
It’s not only weird it’s dangerous. Children who can’t talk about their bodies can’t alert their parents or other designated reporters as to what a predator might be doing to their bodies
1980: My late MIL turned red when my then 2 yo came out of his bedroom to tell me, “My penis hurts.” (It was a heat rash.) We always used correct anatomical names for parts.
There’s another book in this series called “amazing you” that I’ve read to my kids since they were 2ish. They think it’s hilarious bc it has wieners etc. But bc of that they keep reading it and it has spurred many serious questions about sex and sexuality.
Recommending this for a 10-year-old seems a bit young, but looking at the article, this doesn't seem inappropriate for middle school. It's blunt, but not more so than the archaeology section of an art museum.
This would've been a nice alternative to what and where I learned at age eleven. I cut through the censors bc I didn't trust ppl who wanted to keep me ignorant, and ended up learning far too much and too fast.
Maybe my various abuses could've been reported- Or even prevented!- If I had any idea.
I don’t know what the first draft of this story looked like but it feels like it doesn’t actually know what its conclusion is, and the headline and framing only amplify that confusion.
This is a good introduction to the work of Cory Silverberg that uses Robie’s work as a point of departure. I like the template of parent/author thinking through their own reaction to sex ed. This story has less internalized shame and isn’t as much about book ban politics.
Kids think their bodies are awesome. The first time I saw my sons experience doubt about their bodies was in front of Abercrombie and Fitch at like ages of 9 and 7.
I do think the author comes around in the end to accept the book as appropriate, but it takes her awhile to get there. I wish it had been framed more about how although the book SEEMS shocking, it’s only our shame that makes it so. Instead that’s hidden until the end.
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"crazy"? no. an authoritarian overreaction? absofuckinglutely. it's a library, there's supposed to be a variety of books in there.
i hate ppl.
"It's forbidden knowledge woooo."
I learned sex ed from a textbook my mom got me and from cable tv. I hope he cracks it open when he's ready.
So wild that is one they're going after
It was all about sex, without ever actually really discussing sex at all. Like teaching JavaScript by talking about binary math and CMOS gates, and then saying "that's it."
I was always honored to be someone other people would trust their kids with, on those topics.
Me: "I'm gay" (this has evolved considerably in the last 11 years)
Cat: "meow"
Dad: "What she said"
*"conceived in the height of the HIV crisis" according to the article, that, to be fair comes around to endorsing its utility after wincing
Violence and even rape on TV but god forbid we teach teens about sex and bodies in a book.
"Unlearning and relearning" :-\
Do they still piss me off sometimes? Sure, but on balance they’re good.
Sad it is a day after publishing one of the best magazine pieces I have read in years.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/09/overdose-drugs-fentanyl-opioid-never-use-alone.html
If anyone’s got this all figured out, my kudos.
It’s one of the simplest ways to protect kids.
I get so frustrated with people setting their children up to be endangered by using cutesy prudish codewords.
Maybe my various abuses could've been reported- Or even prevented!- If I had any idea.