One of the most interesting questions facing @bencollins.bsky.social: what to do with all of InfoWars’ inventory of snake oil and huckster unguents? Surely not sell them for consumer use.
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Bury them in a churchyard with Bryony root and water daily with cows milk. Dig up 3 months later and feed them to a jackal who will forge a homunculus powerful enough to withstand the breath of Roger Stone.
I propose labelling them 'Onion Pills to Prevent Fascism - Do Not Ingest' and selling them as novelty Christmas gifts so people can have a piece of memorabilia from this excellent joke.
Hear me out: collector edition gag gift boxes to help offset the purchase of the “empire.” As long as the money’s not going to AJ, I’d consider it, just for lulz
You know, since Arsehole Jones believed in only his own research, distrusted medical evidence, and the masturbation-sock fantasies of “the good old days of empire.”
Market it cryptically, say “you liked ivermectin, you’ll like this, too” along with a “not for human consumption” disclaimer and it will fly off the shelves.
Dilute them to oblivion and sell them as homeopathic supplements.
All of the profit (until the marks figure out what happened to InfoWars), a fraction of the cost, and most importantly no chance of some poor schmuck overdosing.
The CEO of Global Tetrahedron has said they’ll be taking all of the supplements, reducing them down into a candy bar sized “omnivitamin” and providing it to one unnamed CEO to give him a chance at immortality.
If they have researched and developed the formula that makes frogs gay I would like that because we have some just disconcertingly straight frogs in our neighborhood, like just really toxically masculine frogs
That dude has more self-confidence and self-deparation than anyone I've met..... If we could turn that into like an energy source we can power the Earth for at least another million years
You know I would like to know where we can buy that cuz we really do have loud straight frogs in my area right now and we could definitely get some gay ones be quieter at night when I'm trying to sleep
Yeah people don't understand that frogs actually can change genders if needed for the environment so but Alex likes to push this conspiracy theory that fluoride turns him gay or something or some bizarre chemical he found it you know is turning up gay
Ah. (I'd be rolling on the floor laughing if it wasn't (in the words on that T-shirt) "so fucking stupid".) Rather like the Flat Earth Society[1] advert "branches around the globe".
3:O))>
[1] The Earth _cannot_ be flat because cats would have pushed everything over the edges by now.
"The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into... a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators." Lol
When you buy a company, do you also assume legal liability for past actions? For instance, if the "supplements" are later found to be toxic, would they assume liability for the past sales? If so, I'd do a toxicology study and make sure they are just sugar pills.
The Tetrahedron Prize, sorta like the X Prize but the technology/knowledge transfer here is to find salvageable and veritably positive impactful use ... even if it's simply converting that shit to actual Shinola.
I think that the most interesting question is how many times can you sell the list of email addresses of people stupid enough to buy that stuff. That has to be really really valuable.
Answered by the Onion's very own Bryce P. Tetraeder
"we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive ... may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal."
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You know, since Arsehole Jones believed in only his own research, distrusted medical evidence, and the masturbation-sock fantasies of “the good old days of empire.”
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/entertainthis/2017/07/31/john-oliver-comes-for-alex-jones-his-products-last-week-tonight/524577001/
All of the profit (until the marks figure out what happened to InfoWars), a fraction of the cost, and most importantly no chance of some poor schmuck overdosing.
Someone needs to create a database of what they find.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2842049/
(Middle right.)
https://genkigear.com/product/rude-darwin-unisex-t-shirt
3:O))>
[1] The Earth _cannot_ be flat because cats would have pushed everything over the edges by now.
https://bsky.app/profile/bencollins.bsky.social/post/3lawgcptn7k27
10% of profits to child vaccinations
/sarcasm
"The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into... a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators." Lol
$50 buys you the right to smear them on an unwilling Texas GOP state representative.
(Apologies if this hackneyed joke format is frowned upon on Bsky - I'm new here and am unfamiliar with your exotic customs.)
"we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive ... may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal."