I feel it’s time to rewrite my Rules for Criminal Plots for this new platform. Rule One: look at the shoes. If the new co-conspirator is dressed shabby like the rest of you but his or her shoes are neat and well-maintained, they’re a fed. /1 - ThreadSky

kenwhite.bsky.social • 501 days ago

I feel it’s time to rewrite my Rules for Criminal Plots for this new platform.

Rule One: look at the shoes. If the new co-conspirator is dressed shabby like the rest of you but his or her shoes are neat and well-maintained, they’re a fed.
/1

Reposted from Jane Coaston

Say it with me: even if you’re the Indian government, the hit man you’re trying to hire is ALWAYS THE FBI cc @gabrielmalor.bsky.social www.nytimes.com/2023/11/29/n...

Comments

angusm.bsky.social•500 days ago

A friend once told me “Undercover drug cops used to be required to have long hair/facial hair to blend in. But cops hate to look scruffy, so they all had ponytails & neatly-trimmed beards. Our rule was, if you’re in a dodgy situation & you see a guy who looks like an architect, he’s the cop.”

unseelieash.kawaii.social•27 days ago

My teenage bf’s dad was a bounty hunter former cop. He explained to us he used patchouli incense to smell like a pothead but now I’m remembering the mullet and the loud shirts over a t-shirt too and yeeeah.

stevebuchheit.bsky.social•501 days ago

There's always a tell. Like they iron their t-shirts, the hoodie strings are exactly the same length, line up of button-down shirt/belt buckle/pants zipper. They never let you see them take cash out of their wallet. Conspiratorial whispering into shirt collar. Something.

jnsq.org•500 days ago

https://youtu.be/AiXdWh_O1wg

mayaenaise.bsky.social•141 days ago

📌

achronalart.bsky.social•500 days ago

I knew this by the time I was a toddler. It's a good rule of thumb.

When I was little I was babysat by what turned out to be a COINTELPRO front where my folks went for social justice meetings.

beskarta.bsky.social•141 days ago

📌

seawolf.fan•501 days ago

A few months ago I saw a Twitter thread from someone who hired a hitman to kill himself (ie suicide by hitman). A few months later he got a refund and a note saying the hitman offering was a sting operation.

kenwhite.bsky.social•501 days ago

/2. Rule Two: if you have a kind of weak, twitchy co-conspirator, and they suddenly introduce a “new guy” who is going to provide the explosives or drive the car or something, the co-conspirator has flipped and the new guy is a fed.

kenwhite.bsky.social•501 days ago

/3 Rule Three: if the new guy is significantly better organized, motivated, or specific than you an your crew of big-talking futon-stains, and moves the discussions from general to specific and vague to particular, the new guy is a fed.

kenwhite.bsky.social•501 days ago

/4 Rule Four: if the “new guy” is going to provide the most difficult-to-obtain product or service to the conspiracy — like the radioactive material or the plastic explosive or the actual assassination — then the new guy is a fed.

fade.bsky.social•501 days ago

Back to the Future totally lied to me about this.

naomikritzer.bsky.social•501 days ago

To be fair, you probably don't want to get mixed up with Iranian terrorists, either, especially if you're planning to double-cross them.

fade.bsky.social•501 days ago

Yeah, conspiring with violent people you intend to double-cross seldom works well.

I mean, that's what I'd assume; I can't say that I've really tested this principle myself.

bullcityfats.bsky.social•500 days ago

Libyan. Libyan terrorists.

mikewmerritt.com•500 days ago

Doc Brown is known to pay off cops to look the other way during his experiments. Guy is totally corrupt and probably had lots of shady connections before his money evaporated.

kenwhite.bsky.social•501 days ago

//5 Rule Five: if the person is reading directly from model criminal jury instructions while asking you to explain your position, they are cooperating with the feds [this rule for benefit of Michael Avenatti only]

lawnerd.bsky.social•501 days ago

tears of laughter are rolling down my face

kenwhite.bsky.social•501 days ago

/6 Rule Six: if the new guy wants you to call the shots on the criminal conspiracy and make the “go” decisions, even though you live with your mother and don’t have a car, the new guy is a fed.

kenwhite.bsky.social•501 days ago

/7 Rule Seven: if the new guy offers to give you a ride to the conspiracy, the new guy is a fed

dickius.bsky.social•501 days ago

What if he’s wearing this specific hat?

danielsand.bsky.social•501 days ago

If the new guy wants you to repeat what you just said…but clearer and with more specifics…the new guy is a fed.

mtblah.bsky.social•501 days ago

Ok, but how am I, previously described very accurately as a futon stain, gonna know the model criminal jury instructions. Asking for a fellow futon stain.

noncompliant.bsky.social•501 days ago

As I read it, that was specifically for the benefit of Michael Avenatti, so…🤷🏽

dwjohnson.bsky.social•500 days ago

LOFL touche

drewkadel.bsky.social•501 days ago

This, as opposed to his skills in the courtroom, is where his experience being mostly limited to civil rather than criminal law, bit him in the ass.

pymundgenealogy.com•501 days ago

What's the fun if you can't tag him?

belfordfl.bsky.social•501 days ago

Rule Five: if the new guy wants you to go with him across state lines to pick up anything, then the new guy is a fed.

shoutingboy.bsky.social•501 days ago

Basically, it's a bad idea to try to do any major crimes in Delaware, for this and other reasons

tomscud.bsky.social•501 days ago

pictured: a fed trying to get some other guys arrested

mottebailey.bsky.social•501 days ago

i was just trying to show interest and let the crew know that I’m excited about the job, it’s called motivation

rodhillen.com•500 days ago

Ronin.

proportionwheel.bsky.social•501 days ago

Shoes: [not killers] I used to be on the board of the Graphic Artists Guild, & there was a guy whose graphic work we never saw, but who was active & wrote a history of GAG. Dressed casually like us, but wore shiny black shoes. I always figured he was FBI. Why they were concerned about us ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

aceckhouse.bsky.social•479 days ago

maybe a Pinkerton?

alun.pw•501 days ago

I have in my head-canon that "there are no master-criminals, or they'd have found a legal way to steal all the money without the risk". But then, there are also no "world's greatest detectives", either.

uncle-kridley.bsky.social•500 days ago

Let me introduce you to a large number of CEOs and elected officials...

alun.pw•500 days ago

Forbes cover curse.

mrmunchertoyou.bsky.social•128 days ago

"Criminal Genius" is kinda like the hyper-intelligent serial killer. Good cover for police incompetence.

See Bundy, Ted. Thick as shite in the neck of a bottle by any objective standard, but not when it comes to reporting on how he evaded capture.

jacobwisner.bsky.social•501 days ago

But the guy at the gun show wearing a Hawaiian shirt and aviator glasses - offering to sell me some special stock out of their trunk - is just a garden variety kidnapper and not a fed, right?

dorothywinsor.bsky.social•501 days ago

This made me laugh. I have a friend who's retired FBI agent, and I've heard her give the exact same observations.

thebarbarienne.bsky.social•501 days ago

Absolutely the kind of thing that would cause Jason Statham's character to object, then spend the rest of the movie keeping a close eye on and eventually murdering.

inspectorhound.bsky.social•501 days ago

My takeaway is: If there is a criminal conspiracy of >=2 people, at least one of them is a fed.

If there is a 1-man conspiracy, that person may be eligible for federal benefits and pension.

jrgiguere.bsky.social•500 days ago

A Paris police prefect once said: "I am like Christ. Wherever you meet, I will be among you."

mrthursday.bsky.social•501 days ago

If you ask him whether he's a Fed and he says no, he might be a Fed. But he definitely knows that you have no idea what entrapment actually means.

matthewsp.bsky.social•501 days ago

TL;DR: If the new guy has a pulse, he's a fed. Even if he doesn't have a pulse, he's still probably a fed.

cogenteur.bsky.social•501 days ago

So, by Rule One, the co-conspirator who believes he's Jesus is not a fed.

The co-conspirator who believes he's Julius Caesar is not a fed.

The co-conspirator who believes he's Clark Kent? Fed.

fieldmontgomery.bsky.social•141 days ago

First question I'd ask the new guy : "do you know the color of the roof of the boathouse at Hereford?"

If the answer is yes...definitely a fed.

lawyerdave.bsky.social•119 days ago

I don't think that's fair. The movie's been out for a long time now, and some of us non-feds googled it in the middle of the night when we were bored.

ginniesdaughter.bsky.social•141 days ago

denniswatson.bsky.social•501 days ago

Were there ever hit-men for hire? Has this always been an FBI sting? It feels like you have in-house hit men for criminal organizations and gangs, or they are Feds. There aren’t any freelancers for hire. Were there ever?

chazrunner.bsky.social•141 days ago

Happens in China apparently

whyknot.bsky.social•501 days ago

As a true crime fan, yes, sometimes they're genuine

denniswatson.bsky.social•501 days ago

That’s so wild. Of course the only ones we see in court are either grossly incompetent, like the idiots who killed the law professor in Tallahassee, or Feds there to testify against the defendant. We don’t see The Professional types.

davidseaver.bsky.social•501 days ago

At some types of event, half the fun is spotting undercover cops and feds. They have the same range of tells as anyone else concealing a firearm, but goddamn, the federales love their pressed Hawaiian shirts. So casual!
As in, yeah, that tourist look might fly in Disneyland, but not in San Jose.

lawyerdave.bsky.social•501 days ago

I've got seven Aloha shirts. 🙄

davidseaver.bsky.social•501 days ago

It ain't just the shirt, it's the way it's worn. Feds seem to get theirs pressed, I swear.
Also, any open shirt over t-shirt can be one indicator of a concealed pistol.
Finally, don't wear them with new-looking white Nikes or loafers, accessorized by sunglasses that were last cool 5+ years ago.

jrgiguere.bsky.social•500 days ago

I wear open shirt over t-shirt. Can I indict anyone I want?

lawyerdave.bsky.social•499 days ago

Depends. What kind of shoes do you wear?

jrgiguere.bsky.social•498 days ago

42 pairs of Mephisto…

davidseaver.bsky.social•500 days ago

I expect there's a few extra steps, first.

johnosborn.bsky.social•500 days ago

Serious question: Are you aware of any cases in which agents from different law enforcement agencies tried to entrap and arrest each other? Or where the entire enterprise consisted of under-cover agents unaware of each other?

lchupacabra.bsky.social•500 days ago

I SMELL A SITCOM

sainthomo.bsky.social•499 days ago

I wish I remember where and when, but there were a neonazi group where when it got busted it turned out that every single one (like seven) in the group EXCEPT ONE were either undercover journalists or undercover several different police/defence agencies. It was spectacular.

southernviolet.bsky.social•140 days ago

Yup happened in LA awhile back. Local LEOs and FBi were trying to entrap a some muslims in a mosque into being terrorists but just entrapped each other. The muslims got spooked by this guy talking about crimes and called the cops. Turned out the criming guy was an undercover fed.

dickius.bsky.social•501 days ago

I took my good dress shoes in for a professional shine the day before my daughter’s bat mitzvah and the shoeshine guy asked if I was a cop. He said my shoes looked like cop shoes.

dickius.bsky.social•501 days ago

the shoes

peterfsmith.bsky.social•501 days ago

With those shoes, I'd assume that you were for an elite spy agency.

dickius.bsky.social•501 days ago

That’s basically what I said! Cops aren’t spending Alden money.

drneocortex.bsky.social•501 days ago

How often do you really look at a man's shoes?

jmcp.bsky.social•479 days ago

Having watched that movie, read whole heap of Dorothy L. Sayers novels where it was a key plot point, *and* seen a school friend get rejected for Army officer school because he failed to shine the back of his shoes, I look at them all the time.

calieber.bsky.social•500 days ago

So none of this is entrapment, but we need a word for "the cops were instrumental in making a crime happen, then arrested the people who did it"

kipwilliams.bsky.social•500 days ago

engrapment?
enfrapment?

ohnonotagain.bsky.social•119 days ago

Sting operation

parlei.bsky.social•501 days ago

Where the feds smart enough not to wear an expensive wristwatch?

lawzag.bsky.social•501 days ago

🎶When you’re searching online
To find a hitman guy, that’s a FBI
When he calls in on time
For your plot hatched by wine, that’s a FBI.

Tells you once again to repeat every little thing, to his flower lapel you’ll sing “Kill my wife or my fella”🎶

benderdict.bsky.social•501 days ago

Bravo

abarthloser.bsky.social•501 days ago

Basically, if things start to feel like you're in an episode of Burn Notice, they're a fed

michaelengel.bsky.social•501 days ago

The voiceover telling me how to do awesome spy stuff is a giveaway too.

emilylorange.bsky.social•501 days ago

i feel like the clue would be waking up without any explanation in miami

michaelengel.bsky.social•500 days ago

Gosh, if I had a dollar...

engard.me•501 days ago

After 20 years we’re still not paying attention when Bubbles speaks? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUmcG85_irg&pp=ygUVd2lyZSBidWJibGVzIGRpc2d1aXNl

cuchulu.bsky.social•501 days ago

I immediately thought of Bubbles salient advice.😁

shake1n1bake.bsky.social•141 days ago

McNulty: He hurt your feelings?

Sydnor: a little bit.

shake1n1bake.bsky.social•141 days ago

McNulty: How come you've got all this wisdom and your life's so fucking hard?

Bubbles: I was just thinking on that myself...

evanbernick.bsky.social•501 days ago

Bar code on the back of the bald head, matching silver guns, red tie = might not be a fed (but probably still is) https://screenrant.com/hitman-agent-47-barcode-tattoo-bald-head-clone/

bosullivan00.bsky.social•501 days ago

herculinds.bsky.social•501 days ago

Addition for parents. Never ever turn to any kind of police, local or feds, for mental health assistance. We're a broken country without a place to turn in these instances, but going to the police almost guarantees the opposite outcome you intend

maximummary.bsky.social•501 days ago

https://youtu.be/tj1LR0cMRH4?si=4HdVKi1oKi1uTkgd

hellsop.ninehells.com•164 days ago

📌

parisdog.bsky.social•501 days ago

this seems like you are telegraphing advice to the feds 😎

lolephant.bsky.social•141 days ago

📌

phoneguy517.bsky.social•501 days ago

Can’t these all basically be collapsed to, “If there’s a new guy, he’s a fed”?

lawyerdave.bsky.social•501 days ago

Sometimes you need a new guy. The one with the faster car, or the clean record, or extra space in his garage, or the rich family that doesn't ask questions.

(I've heard.)

somedonuts.bsky.social•501 days ago

And if he looks like this guy…

southernviolet.bsky.social•140 days ago

Absolutely. I once had to meet a fed to be interviewed because my ex was getting a federal clearance and they were interviewing everyone he may have once spoken to. Anyway, he said "look for the guy who looks like a fed". No other description. I found him immediately because he looked like that pic.

amandabf.bsky.social•501 days ago

You can give the clearest outline you want, but as Ron White eloquently put it, "You can't fix stupid."

If they're having to consider who's a fed and who isn't while they're admiring their modified ARs and plotting whatever, their life path isn't littered with awards.

occupyonelove.bsky.social•501 days ago

nah!

feds do not have money...

they are spies...

I am telling SPIES!!!
🎉😜😆

marsrover.bsky.social•501 days ago

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Always do it for the new guy joining your meth-addled biker gang.

15c3po.bsky.social•501 days ago

This reminds me of a great reading comprehension test that Matt Levine wrote:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/newsletters/2021-06-21/money-stuff-lordstown-executives-had-good-timing

wiredog.bsky.social•500 days ago

Flashback to that Dead show at Cap Center where I was on multiple substances and the cop was so obvious I couldn’t stop laughing for half an hour. Laughed so hard my whole body hurt the next day.