i’m having a shit day, PLEASE repost this with your favorite bad joke
e.g., “why do chicken coops only have two doors? because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.”
e.g., “why do chicken coops only have two doors? because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.”
Comments
What goes ha, ha, ha, thump?
A man laughing his head off.
Centipede with a wooden leg.
My favourite joke in it is
It's a dogs delight to bark and bite
And little birds to sing
And if you sit on a red hot brick
It's a sign of an early spring
Thank you for the jokes people have shared... but... I don't think this has an off switch...
What do you call a Vicar on a bike?
A cyclist
A BABOOM 💥
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says "doctor, doctor, I can't tell if I'm a wigwam or a teepee" and the psychiatrist says "that's because you're two tents"
He's only got little legs!
A stick…
.
.
.
.
A stick.
A stick!
Because it wasn't chicken.
Three. A left ear, a right ear & a final frontier.
This joke will never get old for me & it’s so stupid 🤣🤣
I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.
The first man says "I just wish I could do a real good #1. Every day, it's just dribs & drabs."
Second old man says, "I just wish I could do a real good #2. Every day, it's a few small plunks"
The 3rd old man says, "every day @ exactly 7:25am I do a #1 like a dam breaking.
The other 2 men are puzzled and ask: "So why are you complaining?"
The 3rd man replies: ''I don't wake up until 9:30."
They wood.
A John Deere.
A: Red paint.
in his sleevies!
Dung!
Because 789.
Why was ten the most afraid?
Because 9/11
You go to the ICU
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No?
See how well it works!
Have you ever seen an cow hide in a tree? No? Because they're really good at it.
Why don't the farmers get the cows down from the trees?
Because the steaks are too high.
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
One leg? Steak
Elephants paint their toenails red to hide in *strawberry patches*.
To hide in cherry trees, they paint *something else* red.
This results in "What is the loudest sound in the forest? Monkeys eating cherries."
Fish and ships ☺️
An im-PASTA!
El Chupacabra
Dam.
a dumb bass
He's a small medium at large.
Dan Antopolski
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8216991.stm
“I’ve dropped my toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.
“I don’t have any flowers,” said Tom lackadaisically.
“Do you like these Levis I’m wearing?” asked Tom ingeniously.
It was two tired.
One looks sad .. “I’ve lost an electron” it says.
The other atom asks “Are you positive?”
Chris: "Who's there?"
Alex: [gleeful] "Interrupting Cow!"
Chris: [dubious] "...interrupting Co"
Alex: "MOOOOOOOO!!!!"
They were outstanding in their field.
No tomatoes.
Why was the ground all white at Custard's last stand?
Because the Indians kept cumming and cumming.
Make me one with everything.
"Hey, where's my change?"
"Change comes from within"
You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo!
Please read in brummie accent ☺️
A joiner works wi’ wid, and a carpenter pents cars!
You boil the hell out of it.
A golf course.
A small medium at large.
What do you do if you have a rubber trumpet?
Join a rubber band. 😆
Q: What do you call a man with a mean cat?
A: A scratched-up man.
A: A stick.
They're making headlines all over town 😆
(Idk where i heard it but it's been my favorite joke for 10+ yrs)
County during the early 1980s.
Bartender says "HEY! We don't serve food here."
What do you call a guy who just lies on your front porch? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms in a swimming pool? Bob.
What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other? Aileen.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
How does a soprano change a light bulb? She holds it in place and waits for the world to revolve around her.
What's the difference between a trombonist and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
What's the longest viola joke in the world? Harold in Italy.
. . . and boy, are my arms tired!
What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his bum? Warren
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him
wiped his arse
What’s the body temperature of a tauntaun?
…
Luke warm
Why don’t people eat Wookiee?
…
It’s a little Chewy
A: a white horse fell in the mud.
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other’s a busty crustacean. 🦞
A stick.
.
.
.
In his sleevies!
First guy wishes to go home. POOF! He's gone.
Second guy wishes to be rescued! POOF! Helicopter comes by, picks him up, flies off.
Third guy looks down and says "I wish those guys were here"
If they fell forwards they would land in the boat.
Because proper tea is theft
Also, I have a joke about the ceiling, but it's over you head.
He heard marriage was a union.
With Pajamazon.
I don't know but it's knot grate...
"Do you serve crab cakes?"
Waitress:"Yes"
Man: "Oh good, it's his birthday"
Batman says “Hey Robin—go check the battery.”
Robin looks at him and asks “What’s a ‘tery’?”
Few people understand vitreous humor.
Mickey and Minnie go into the marriage counselor’s office.
“He says I’m crazy!” Minnie complains.
“I didn’t say you were crazy,” Mickey says, “I said you were fucking Goofy!”
A bloody mess.
Is he outstanding in his field?
Yes
Well, he should get started walking home then, dinner's almost ready.
Does February March?
No, But April May...
A: BA-NA-NA - AHHH
(You gotta sing the notes)
What do you call it when a queen farts?
A: A noble gas
Why did the skeleton refuse to perform?
A: He didn't have the guts.
(D&D joke) What drink is banned at the tavern outside the wizard academy?
A: Fireball
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"No, who."
"Who are you?"
"The Doctor."
"Doctor who?"
"Yes."
It's okay, though. They woke him up.
Most people would say "R", but I know a pirate's first love is the "C."
"Dear customer, we've noticed unusual activity on your ISP..."
A cow consoles her grieving friend at a funeral: " the grass is greener where they are now."
HAND-EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE…
“I wish I was a little boulder.”
The next man ducks
A: in case they get a hole in one
* * * * *
Q: what do you get when you cross a mink with a kangaroo?
A: a fur jumper with pockets
A: a little over halfway...
Clerk: “Sorry, we only take cash.”
An Optical Aleutian.
Subordinate Clauses.
So these two guys were walking in the woods and they come across a severed head. One of them holds it up and says “Oh my God, it’s Kowalski!”
His friend says “No, he was taller than that.”
Both crews were marooned.
Take away their brooms
(Politely, of course.)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
barium
.. 'coffin'
Thank you Thank you that is my thimble full of improv training paying off Thank you You're welcome Thank you
Helium.
What's another doctor's favourite?
Curium.
ARRRRgon.
Everyone knows a buccaneer’s first love is the C.
Did you know there are as many oxygen atoms in a single molecule of water as there are stars in the whole solar system?
About 140 years after
…it’s making head lines
I said 'no, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.'
A receding hare line
When the humor becomes apparent.
"Nice belt!"
Ans: A pair of pliers
A. Because if they were small and white, they’d be aspirin.
A: Unplug it.
(Courtesy my nibling at age 7 or so.)
(And also very pleased bc it was the first time he -really- got absurd jokes like that.)
A. To hide in cherry trees.
Q. Butbutbut I’ve never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
A. See, it works!
Neither have they.
A. 2 in the front, 2 in the back
Q. How do you tell if there's an elephant in the fridge?
A. Footprints in the butter
Q. How do you tell if there's four elephants in the fridge?
A. There's a Mini parked outside
A: 2 in the front, 2 in the back, 1 in the glove compartment.
A: A can of Campbell's cream of elephant soup.
A: Have you ever tried to iron an elephant?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.
Of course, it’s been about that long since elephant jokes were popular.
One's just a little lighter
How much do rainbows weigh?
Not much. They are actually pretty light
up his sleevies!
I just read a book about how they built battleships in WWII. It's riveting.
Arrrrrr.
Nay! It be the C!
Because it was dead
Most people who own Delorians only drive them from time to time
(Telling that one to 200 Micheal J Fox Foundation employees is a life highlight for me)
"What's a pirate's favourite letter?"
"Arrrr!"
"Arrrr, you'd think that - but the C was his first love."
So they get into it. Bartender knocks the rope down, thrashes him against the bar, the stool, the wall, really beating the crap outta it.
Rope drags himself up, all covered in dirt and falling to pieces, goes back into the bar. Bartender gets huffy. "Aren't you the same rope I tossed outta here five minutes ago?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
My ten-year-old neighbor just told me this, and I gotta pass it on.
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
"WA-TAAAH!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through that thing?"
Because the horns don't work.
Four tops
Why shouldn’t you trust salivary glands?
They’re secretive.
So she could hide in the jellybean jar.
You ask for change from a ten and they give you two fours and a three.
Why did the cookie cross the road?
Because he was feeling crumby.
What did the General have up his sleeves?
His armies.
Duck goes into a pharmacy. Says to the druggist, "I'd like a tube of Chapstick." Druggist says, "That'll be 49 cents." Duck says "Put it on my bill."
The porcupine's pricks are on the outside.
I doubt they’ll forgive me for waking them up early on a Saturday for this, but #WorthIt
The giraffe gets wasted and falls off the bar stool
The guy gets up to leave and the bartender yells "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' here!"
The guys says "That's not a lion. That's a giraffe"
“Make me one with everything.”
Nonplussed, the Buddha asks,"Hey, where's my change?"
The cashier just smiles and says, "Change must come from within."
To get to the bottom!
Trump has never paid to have a garbanzo bean on his face.
Q: When does a joke turn into a Dad Joke?
A: When the punchline becomes apparent.
How do you catch a tame animal? Tame Way!!
Works better spoken than written, but you get the gist.
Woodsman replies "You might be a talking tree, but you will die a log."
…
You put a little boogie in it.
(Kid1’s favorite joke when he was eight.)
A shoe.
The horse says, "I don't think I am," and vanishes.
...
so they can scandinavian
You'll be mist.
But catscan.
He took a day off.
They don't have pockets.
Likely from Laffy Taffy
Q: What does a snake call socks?
A: Pants!
Wrap.
********
What do you call a canine magician?
A labracadabrador!
It's....
It's tear-able!
Djathinkesarus
Ken comes in a different box.
Can u get pregante?! 🤣
The difference is staggering.
One Two Three because... Un deux trois cat sank
About 150 years after
What's browwwwn and sticky? 🤮🤢🤮
A stick.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies..
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
Went down the road and turned into a field.
Because he wanted to use his drumsticks!
Boil the hell out of it.
A whale weigh station.
….
….
….
A brick :)
It's okay - they're velcrows
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was an orange.
Bartender says, "we don't serve bras in here!"
99 Bras yell, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!"
- It chickened.