What's the worst joke you're committed to? Mine is to say 'thank god you're charging more for that. Every year, thousands die drilling those little holes' whenever website tries to upsell me more memory on some form of device. A joke that a) isn't funny b) no-one but me can hear.
Comments
"are you ok if I jump in the shower?"
"No, it's dangerous, you might slip!"
And
"Excuse me - could I just get in that cupboard?"
"I doubt you'd fit"
A: Poke 'im on!
Why, are you coming apart?
A ... A stick.
D’youthinkhesaurus
You oscillate its tit a lot.
To this day I think this whenever someone says the first part, and laugh to myself.
/end
Morecombe & wise classic dad joke
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A stick.
It works quite well in response to food items - “chicken thighs”, “skinny fries” etc. But I’ve just carpet bombed the thing “dry riser inlet” etc etc
Both husband and cat tolerate this, just about.
-have you got a match?
-yes, my bum your face
... is a classic. Sadly killed by Big Lighter.
I can't stop myself and I die a little inside each time.
What’s black, hairy, and flies at 1000 miles per hour?
King Concorde
-shall I call you an ambulance?
-yes please
-you're an ambulance
“Shall I put the kettle on?”
“If you think it’ll fit…”
https://youtu.be/sedG1kBtn1M?feature=shared
“But it won’t suit me.”
I usually just ask them how business is going today, have they ripped many people off?
My Dr Who obsessed son once fielded a call, & tried to convince them they'd got through to the Sontaran battle-fleet. I feel proud of him generally, but never more so than at that moment.
My children love* this
*they groan and eye roll which means they love it very much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=petqFm94osQ
A co-worker and I often used,
"that's just the way it is"
"Some things will never change"
Every time.
*in case doing this in written form somehow seeds a moral panic, I do neither of these things.
- Happy anniversary!
My dad’s used-to-death joke was - when offered mushrooms to eat - “oh I never touch mushrooms. I won’t have mush-room for anything else”. It’s a reflex for me to respond with this to a mention of mushrooms. Despite the groans.
“Funny, you don’t look like a bacon sandwich.”
It was extremely annoying.
No-one has ever questioned it or asked me to explain.
short answer: no
long answer: noooooooooo
How far is it to the top of the hill? 1 unit
How far is it to the beach? 1 unit
How far is it to London? 1 unit
“How big is that?”
“Eight?”
“Eight what?”
“Eight units”
“Could you pass that cup?”
“Pass it? I could hardly even swallow it”
Before I got it out of my system
“I don’t think it suits me.”
Es pera = it's pear
Espera = wait
So when I ask "What's in the cake (/ dessert / fruit salad)?"
They reply: "Es pera"
Me: Okay [waits 10 seconds]. What's in the cake?
https://thehabit.co/knowledge-is-power-france-is-bacon/
"You know what Julius Caesar said?"
"The guy who smuggled heroin in his prosthetic leg?"
"That one"
Me: "What do you call a three-legged donkey?"
My victim: "no idea."
Me: "A wonkey!"
My victim: "Groan!"
"Sag mal"
"Mal".
"Sag mal" is used all the time as "hey", or "tell me". But it's literal meaning is "say time (mal). So say mal. Mal.
What is the thinnest book ever. 100 years of German humor
(the first most common joke is something about giving back our bicycles - WWII occupation related, also not very funny)
What is the thinnest book in the world? "British fine cooking."
"Allora?" (Well? - my wife used to say this a lot)
"60 minuti."
"All'ora?" has identical pronunciation: "To the hour?" - "60 minutes."
"that sun's hot"
"Well, you shouldn't touch it then"
"How does an elephant ask for a cream bun?"
*waggling arm ,straight out in front of my nose and waving hand round and round right in the face of the victim*
"Can I have a cream bun please?"
He still likes it.
I then asked 'does this make me a cardoonist, then?'
I won't be asked back.
"Hullo hungry, I'm Dad"
In fairness my 8 year old still finds this funny. His older brothers less so.
“It certain don’t. It come expensive!” - a line from the Fast Show that made me laugh immoderately. In fact this does not qualify as it is one of the best jokes I’ve ever heard.
Me 'Hi Hungry, I'm daddy'
They do not find it as funny as I do....
I'm also a frequent user of 'Give peas a chance'.
And my reply to “I’m thirsty” is “Hi, I’m Friday”
From the Simpsons when Lisa has to make up an anagram of a famous person on the spot and comes up with “Jeremy’s Iron”.
"Ok but it won't suit me."
Whenever someone asks me what flavour of ice cream I would like I have to say Salt and Vinegar.
Whenever they then tell me to shut up I have to reply “so am I, must be the weather”.
I don’t know why either would be considered funny.
Me: “stay away fools” (à la ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52s)
He became increasingly livid each time.
I will use this line with this exact intonation every time something I predicted comes to pass.
I am the only person who gets this joke.
Everyone hates it.
Not one laugh, ever.
It makes no sense to 90%, and to the 10% who get it, it fails on the most basic level (Showa isn't actually pronounced shower), but it annoys everyone I tell it to, so I keep doing it
They’ve been hearing that for the last 14 years.
Eric Morecambe forever!
Because in France one egg is une oeuf
Every time, since we saw The Members in about 1979.
“You’re a gent/lady.
“I never believed what all those other people said about you.”
Me (stands up, solemnly raises drinking vessel, loudly proclaims) “The King!”
Bonus points for deployment at the actual Piccadilly Circus.
Hands about a plate's width apart "oh, about 9 inches"
I'm not sure any of them know what an inch is.
The joy is in watching them tense in anticipation and in hope I might not.
But always is always.
Decades later I still giggle whenever I see it:
I have a few people who will do this bit with me now.
She would flutter her eyelashes and say, seductively, “Tell me, do you enjoy sex and travel?” In response to the inevitable affirmative she’d say, “Good, so F*** OFF!” 😂
"Ok, but you'll look silly."
Hasn’t generated a laugh, never will do.
I'd walk a million miles
For one of your smiles
My edamame
Q: How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?
A: Stick it in the microwave till it's bill withers. *
*no ducks were harmed in the making of this joke.
“Don’t be daft, lad. It’s probably just a duck with a hat on.”
What do you call an angry Scottish bunny?
Crabbit.
My reply is-invariably-'it's about an hour and a half long/150 pages long'.
(Note: the signs say “Dogs must be carried.”)
(William Ulsterman reference, Harry Enfield, circa I can’t remember)
[me] No, it's just the way I'm sat.
(Last night I was asked upon arrival "Did you come on the bus?"
I suspect that has been mentally indexed as a question never to ask me.)
Every time.
- What do you want for dinner?
- Don’t mind
- I don’t know what aisle that’s in
Other half and I do this to each other almost every shopping trip. Remarkably we are still on speaking terms.
Receives various answers, 'til the last: "I'm a weasel, & I eat wide-mouthed frogs"
(Purse lips) "Oooh, you doon't see many of thoose aboout, doo you?"
My victims were that bit older & more inebriated, I'm guessing.
So when taking my offspring around any castle or ruin on spotting a well, fountain or water pump will point and say, “now that’s an aged well”.
Demonstrably not funny but that’s the point.
Always get a chuckle out of it.
*I work at an American sports bar lol
“Pass it? I’d thoroughly recommend it!”
In Dorset?
I'd recommend it to anyone!
I thank you!
Pointing at the meat on display the man asks “Is that your Ayrshire bacon?”
“Naw” replies the butcher, “just warming ma legs.”
I don't know why I find this funny. Certainly no-one at the checkout ever has.
Me: “won’t suit you”
“Shall I boil the kettle?”
“Just the water in it, thanks.”
“Just as I anticipated! I don’t know what it is.”
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.